The Fault In Our Stars: When "he" Came Back

I wondered-yeah, I did from time to time about what would become of me, you know, after I died and all, but what weighed upon me and my mind more than anything was what would become of my dear Hazel; what would become of her pure and loving-heart.

There was no way of knowing, no, not before, but there is now...

"Augustus?" She calls out to me in her dreams, her voice, but a whisper in the night, "I need you. I want you here-with me. Where did you go?"

I drop my head in regret.

"I didn't mean to," The words flow over my lips, "If I could have Hazel, I would have stayed, but, the painful truth is-I just couldn't. We both know that. I was too sick to fight the cancer anymore."

The darkened bedroom is lit suddenly by the pale moonlight that shines through a nearby window. It reveals the face of my lost love, who is, as of this moment-found again. I've found her.

"I've tried so hard and for so long," My eyes water; I fight the tears away, "But tonight, here and now-all my efforts have proved not to be in vain. I've come back to you Hazel, maybe not in the way that you or I would've originally expected, but I am here, none the less. I'll stay-with you-forever.

I gaze out from the bedroom into the hallway, studying a figure in the dark. It makes its way quietly to Hazel and I.

The shadowy figure comes to a halt and stands almost inhumanely silent at the threshold of the door. It peers in for a moment before it enters.

A pale, blonde, long-haired woman wearing a white, woven night gown grazes my shoulder with hers as she finds her way carefully to Hazel's bedside.

I recognize her instantly as the moonlight chases away all the shadows that cover her face. The woman is Hazel's mother.

"Sweetheart," She runs her fingertips down the side of Hazel's flawless face, "You're dreaming about him again honey. Wake up sweetheart, please wake up..."

I stare at the woman from the doorway wondering if she even noticed me, but I know deep down that it's virtually impossible for her to.

"Augustus!" Hazel desperately calls out to me, tossing and turning, perspiration dampening the stray strands of hair that sweep across her forehead, "Augustus, please Augustus-Please. PLEASE!!!!"

I take a few steps toward the foot of her bed slowly and carefully, hoping my presence isn't acknowledged.

I'm only, but a spectator in her life now, nothing more, nothing less; just a silent, but ever-present watcher.

"Sweetie, wake up now," Hazel's mother grabs a hold on both her daughter's shoulders, "You're having a bad dream. Wake up honey, wake up."

Hazel's eyelids fight to overcome the drunkenness of sleep and exhaustion.

"Mom," She murmurs, "Is that you?"

Her mother nods slowly.

"Yes my dear," She seats herself at the corner of the bed, "It's me-it's mom."

Hazel's eyes dart around the room.

"Wher-where is," There's panic in her eyes, "Where's Augustus?"

Hazel's mother sighs. She brushes her daughters, now, long and flowing hair back behind her ear, before she parts her lips to speak.

"Hazel, sweetheart, we've gone through this night after night for 2 years now," Her mother stares deep into the mirrors of her daughter's soul; all she sees is longing and unfathomable hurt, "Augustus, is gone-remember?"

Hazel stares back into her mother's eyes confused and frightened.

"What's there to remember, mom? I don't understand." Hazel searches for the answers she isn't ready to find. "Where did Augustus go?"

Her mother drops her head.

"He left us to be with-God," All the blood drains from Hazel's face, "He passed, year before last sweetie-you know that. You received the phone call..."

Like an earthquake, the emotions erupted and she cried, cried like I haven't ever seen her cry before. Hazel cried like it was the very first time she heard the news, like it would be her last.

She cried like everything in her world had been lost, never to be found again, like there was nothing left, but her and her pain, gripping her heart, gnawing endlessly at her soul.

She cried until her eyes could no longer shed anymore tears, until her heart could no longer bear anymore of the hurt-she cried herself back to sleep.

All her mother could do was rock her devastated daughter over her shoulder as tears streamed down her cheeks.

I know it hurts Hazel's mother to see her daughter's hurt.

A single tear falls from my own eyes, but I catch it. I wipe it away. I must be strong-for her, for them both, for each of us.

I walk over to Hazel's bed as her mother finally lays her down to rest the night away. Her mother seats herself in an old wooden armchair not far away, and closes her tired and baggy blue eyes.

I can see for the first time, just how much my death has taken a toll on those who I cared for and who cared for me.

"I love you Hazel Grace," I whisper softly, after climbing into bed alongside her, "I do and always will."

I exhale in complete bliss, feeling again just how comforting, how right it felt to be this close to her.

"I was gone, but now, I've come back," A satisfied smile tugs at the corner of my lips, "I'm right here next to you, so please don't cry, don't worry, because I know some way, somehow-everything will be Okay. Okay?"

I kiss her cheek gently.

Hazel rolls on her side to face me just before she mumbles something under her breath.

"Okay..."

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