Drowning In Self Worth

Pen Name

Hello.
Hi.
Hola.
Bonjour.
Guten tag.

I don't know any other languages. I promise you I'm still not boring. No lies, I completely forgot to update this story. A lot has happened in the last however many months. I don't care for how long it's been. But I do have a lot to tell. Settle in. Grab a snack. Here comes some more riveting tales of my life.

Where to start? Where I left off from the first chapter. That is to say, the guy that was (and still is) taken. He read my post. It was vague. But still obvious. He didn't care. And after long, neither did I. In fact, I owe a thank you to his boyfriend who probably unbeknownst to him, really helped me out once. Thank you kindly. Even if you're not reading this, I never had the courage to express myself to you directly. That's the short version of things though. And this Wattpad story is for the extended version. I'm not here to cut corners. Every grisly, embarrassing, gut-wrenching detail will be spilled. That is, what I can remember. Here goes.

The amount of pressure from my new job was getting to me. I'm not the kind of personality who gets along swimmingly with everyone around me. I often refer to myself as "an acquired taste", and in all honestly, that is genuinely how I see myself. People started to turn their backs on me. Especially as I pretty much obsessed over someone who was unattainable. And I knew that. But the pressure of the whispers behind my back, it drove me beside myself. I was, and still am a mess. Essentially I was going to plagiarise 13 Reasons Why in my own, sick, twisted way. Thinking back now, it all looks so... Attention seeky. To be less vague, I had 4 notepads and a list of names. Each person who had damaged me or hurt me would get a chapter. This went on for a few weeks. I got about 7 chapters in before someone, who now hates me, made me see it in a different light. I burned the pages. I ripped them all up into tiny pieces. And since then, I never really spoke to the man or his man again. They're good people, and I was the problem. That's going to be the common denominator in every story I tell. I am the problem. To you two gentlemen, I bid farewell and I hope I no longer have any issues that result in your names being inked in a bright green notepad. The song I gift you with is Jealousy by Will Young. Old but gold. (I can hear my mothers screams of approval at the choice of a Will Young song from where I lay, typing this now)

Where next? So much has happened. Let's go with the first of two gentlemen callers. The second one will be nearer the end. I vowed not to name names unless I have nice things to say. Whilst the things I say aren't awful, they're not absolutely brilliant. Bare with me. This guy, 18, tall, cute face, similar interests. Seems like the total package upfront. Let's zoom out a little bit. Closeted, lives far away, too busy to be able to maintain something more than friendly. But still, be captivated me like a box of chicken nuggets. Captured my heart like a field of kittens. No pairing can go without its issues. Ours were odd. I made my mistakes. As did he. It was the most inconsistent relationship I've ever been in. Even today I'm not sure where we stand. I have a vague idea but I can't be certain. Unimportant. It was a tragedy on a Mean Girls type of level. When two people try too hard to be together but they know they're trying too hard and they keep pushing. That's how I saw it. Our relationship was so unstable I never deleted dating apps from my phone because of how uncertain I was about this cracked vase of a relationship I was in. We're both at fault for all the issues. Maybe at points I was too careless, definitely at points he overreacted (sense the slight tone of bitterness), but it wasn't meant to be. When he ended it, I'll admit, I was in a dark place. It felt like being punched while I was down. It was a cold time. It still is, but it's warming up, I hope. But he ended it for a good reason. Our relationship was too toxic. For not only us, but the people around us. I don't regret what we were because there are some memories I will cherish, even if I've moved on. The first real kiss, out of sight from our friends, in the dark. It was pretty magical, and looking back, I can't help but smile. Maybe I can't remember a lot of the bad because I've just filtered it out. Mark my words, and he would agree, our relationship wasn't meant to be. Even if, piled on top of what had just happened to me, it was too much to take. To you, my dear, I leave you with the original song by The Cast of Glee, Loser Like Me.