I Won't Run- A Larry Stylinson Fanfic (boyxboy)

Sunlight and Tears

Hey :) soo this is a pretty sad chapter, but necessary, you know? I'm dedicating this to my friends Lauren_Shannon_Emily, cause Lauren gave me Jenna's name and picked a song, Shannon isreally amazing and dedicated one of her chapters to me, and Emily is generally a fab person. The song is She's Only Happy in the Sunshine, listen to it cause I reckon it probably adds to the mood a bit? Anyway long Authors Note, sorry. Enjoy!

Sunlight streamed through the windows, illuminating the small dust mites swirling through invisible currents in the air. The detergent smell of hospitals filled the room, bringing back memories of sick relatives and friends. None of this I noticed. The only thing I saw was her. The tiny bundle, one hand free of the blanket, with its fingernails the size of half a grain of rice.  I walked slowly across the room, light headed, and took my seat in an armchair covered with terrible plastic hospital material. A nurse that I hadn’t noticed before cleared her throat as she gently lifted the child out of the sleeping teenage girl’s arms and handed my daughter to me.

The nurse left the room as the baby opens her eyes a crack at the change in smell and place.I see a flash of emerald iris before she settles into her quick breathing rhythm, her warm weight reassuring me and filling me with emotion. One of my tears falls onto her blanket, as a small sigh escapes her pink lips. Her tiny nose was like the cutest button I had ever seen, and a blanket of soft dark hair covers her head, still waxed down from birth. I didn’t know how I could have ever produced something so perfect, so beautiful: and how could I ever be good enough to keep her like this? Surely I would do something wrong, make the wrong decision and the baby would suffer. She mewed and curled her tiny fingers around mine as I smiled and let the tears that had been building up in my eyes finally release and drip off my nose onto the soft fabric of her playsuit.

Jenna’s eyes fluttered open. She turned her head and smiled across at her baby and I. “Hello, Harry” she said, her voice cracked and weak. “You came”. I sniffed and smiled weakly at her. “Of course I came. Look at her” “I know”. She closed her eyes for a second. "I just wish I could see her grow up". “No, don’t say that” I begged. “You can stay for her. You’re strong”. Tears spilled from her eyes as the baby squirmed in my arms. “Harry, you don’t have to lie for me. The nurses told me that they couldn’t stop the bleeding.” She stopped and took deep breaths, trying to stop the sobbing that was threatening to overcome her. “Just look after her. That’s all I ask Harry. That’s all”. She dissolved into sobs as I went to sit on her bed, stroking her hair as she cried into my lap.

When all her tears had run out and she could sob no more, I lay her head back down on the pillow. “I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell me before? Why aren’t you angry at me?” These questions had been playing on my mind ever since I found out the news. I wished I could have let her shut her heavy eyelids, but I was worried that they would never open again and I would never know the answers to the questions only Jenna knew. She gave me a sleepy smile. “I’m not a malicious person Harry. I didn’t want your career ruined, I didn’t think you deserved it” She gazed at our tiny child. “And how could I be angry at you, when we made something so magical?” I looked down at our baby, her little chest moving up and down in the rhythm of her sleep. She was right. I was ashamed that I was ever upset at the thought of her. She was so incredible; it was impossible to be upset by her.

“Jenna” I asked hesitantly, after about a minute of just listening to the short breaths of our child, “What are we going to call her?” She smiled. “Well.. There’s one name”. I turned my head to the side. “What is it?” “I’ve… I’ve loved the name Lola since I was a little girl and my grandma used to call me Lolly”. “Lola.. Lola, that’s so perfect”. A single tear slid down my face. “Little Lolly”. The corners of Jenna’s mouth lifted at my reaction. "Where are your parents, Jenna?" Her face fell. "When I told them I was pregnant with Lola they got so angry. They called me a slut and my father" She gulped, "He hit me. So I ran away and I've been living with my friend Steph". I was shocked. "Oh my god, Jenna, you should have come to us. We could have got a place for you to live, given you support" Jenna looked incredulous. "I just told you. I didn't want to ruin your career for nothing, and what if you had resented me or the baby?" I winced. I had to say she had a point, maybe if she had come to see me before she had her baby I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with her. But with the baby in my arms it was hard to be scornful.

Another question presented itself to me. "So, if your family have kicked you out, what's all of these from?", I said, gesturing at the balloons, flowers and toys that were positioned around the room.  She bit her lip, smiling. "I have a very supportive network of friends. And not all my family are horrible- a few of my Aunties came in, and my big sister has been with me until she heard you were coming". Jenna smirked at my shocked expression. "Scared of the angry friends and in-laws?" "Slightly", I replied, acting terrified. "It's okay, just distract them with the baby". "Will do" I smirked back at her. Jenna was silent for a while as she lay and thought as her fatigue set in. “Can I hold her, Harry?” she said, with a strange look on her face. I wordlessly walked over to the bed and gently put the child into her arms. As her eyes closed and she drifted away into sleep, the silent joy of her last smile was etched on her face.

The nurse re-entered the room ten minutes later with me kneeled beside the bed as the beeps of the heart monitor became further apart until finally, they stopped. The nurse left, mumbling her condolences as a sob wrenched its way from my chest. Suddenly my cheeks were wet with tears I had barely registered, and I was crouched on the ground, shaking. She was gone. She was dead. And I was the one who killed her. If I hadn’t had that stupid, drunken night with her she would be at school, only concerned with assignments and friends and boys, hospitals and babies a far off concept, years into the future. But because of my stupid revenge, my heartless using, she was in that bed, lifeless and alone.

Shaking with my silent sobs, I hear hesitant footsteps behind me. An arm wraps my waist tightly, and Louis’ body presses into my side. “Just cry, Harry. It’s okay”. He says softly, his cheek pressed against mine and his breath glides over my nose. “She’s gone, and it’s my fault” I choked out, my throat constricted by grief. I heard a sharp intake of breath. “Harry, how can you think that? You shouldn’t blame yourself. There is no one to blame here. This is just life”. I give a small nod, and Louis gently lifts me up onto the armchair. He takes the baby from the lifeless girls arms and rests her in the crook of his. “Hello there, bubba” He said, smiling a little at the baby, though his eyes too were glazed with tears “Aren’t you beautiful, hey?” He looked back at me. “Do you have a name for her?” “Her name’s Lola” I said, calmed by the name. “Lola, how gorgeous. That’s your name, isn’t it, Lola?” The tiny girl curled her fingers around Louis’ finger. “She likes her name”, Lou said, delighted. “She likes you” I laughed a little and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “There you are Haz, you’ll be okay”. I sniffed. “Yeah, I s’pose”.

We got up and left the room. The corridor, which it seemed I hadn’t seen for years, hadn’t changed- the hospital hadn’t changed. Yet everything was different. My whole world had shifted, re-aligned. It seemed impossible that the whole world hadn’t stopped, that everyone still moved even though Jenna never would again, that people still talked about things that weren’t my daughter. My daughter. I looked at the bundle in Louis’ arms. I still couldn’t believe that something like that could have come from me. Deep in thought, I had stopped in the middle of the corridor. Louis raised his eyebrows at me. “Harry, you okay?” Oh. “Sure. Let’s go find the others”. Louis nodded. “They’re in the cafeteria, they’ll want to see you and the baby”

We finally made it to the cafeteria after what seemed like kilometres of walking, stairs and elevators. Lola started crying in the crowded elevator, but somehow Louis hushed her within seconds by jigging her up and down and singing a few words of some horrible song from Eurovision. It was my turn to raise my eyebrows. Eurovision? Really? Louis shrugged. God. Teaching my child Eurovision. Louis was so not going to be left with that child when she was learning to talk. When we made it to the frosted glass door outside the room Louis looked at me. “Ready to show off your much prettier daughter to the band?" I rolled my eyes at him. "I was a very pretty newborn, I'll have you know". Louis mock sighed. "And then it all went downhill from there. What a shame". I glared at Louis. "I would definitely hit you if you weren't holding my baby". "I know" he said in a sing-song voice, smirk on his face. I look at the line that had built up behind us while we were talking. "Er.... Louis, shall we go?" He handed me Lola and nodded, as we pushed open the doors and entered the massive room.