ugh, so the last month or....4 months have been super tough, and thats just with my boyfriend alone besides all the other crap so recently we've been fighting like...alot of fighting more fighting than we've done in the 4 years of knowing one another n he's moving on massively, new job, new house, new car n new life however his friend...hes..nice dont get me wrong i think he's a very nice funny person but he's let say has fuckboy tendencies and this guy lets call him bob, so he drinks and does drugs now my lil smol bean isnt like that anymore yeah he still did it every now and then..but not to the level he does now like hes either always drunk or stoned n i feel like its changing him n everytime i talk to him about it he gets snappy n like i know he doesnt realise it but i just really dont think this new 'lifestyle' is good for him, like i feel as if bob is not taking over but influencing his actions n like idk him personally idk what he's like and this is just a pure stab in the dark i feel but he's been so different and idk if i feel like this bc im jealous he can move on without me there while im stuck here, he gets a life n i do not idk if its bc im clingy n protective but im just worried..yknow?
SO like what is it with people in relationships friendships anything and its like everything is great and normal and perfect n suddenly it isnt, someone changes n throws everything of course n you sit there n blame yourself yknow? is it my fault? am i not good enough? am i boring? am i not funny enough? and you just go into a mental torturous state of self paranoia and it like i do try with him lets call him mike, so mike n i, we're in a fucking awful place, he lives very far away n i cant leave here for a couple more years n i know its so tough on him n he wants to move on, 'get fucked' as he calls it but i feel as if im in his way now...like im just one of them strings attacthced when he does something, like he's always thinking 'oh fuck gotta remember Emily' yknow so like if he did something like idk go clubbing n someone offers him idk a drug lets say i feel a if hes like fuck no i cant Emily would kill me n like i want him to have fun i do, but im a concerned girlfriend im clingy n overprotective bc ik life can be shit for him i get that i do n ik he wants to just get away from it by doing all this stupid shit n this bob is having such a major change o n him. i want him to be happy but i feel im in the way now.. if he isnt drunk he's high if hes not high hes drunk yknow? its like a battle with him, he cant realise it im sat here really trying with him n he cant see how awkward this is right heres some back story we were on the verge of breakup..well in matter of fact i was breaking up with him but he was laughing nd joking not giving one single fuck, he didnt care he was so high he didnt care n he doesnt care anymore n as a girlfriend im really worried, im sick with worry im scared for him, i dont look at him the same anymore, n idk if im building this up over nothing but im scared..of him, im scared if im not good enough he'll leave, bc he doesnt care, im scared if i say the wrong thing he'll get salty i wanna be perfect bc im so scared for him to leave, im defenceless n weak here he's not himself anymore.
i cant be myself anymore, n fuck if we tried to call i couldnt do it after this, im petrified. im scared of everrything i do now, just like i am here. im neutral i say basic to keep me ssafe n he was my escape from that n now thats how i am with him now, i feel utterly fucked
i cant laugh with him i cant be cute with him n fs i cant be me with him. hes changing, ik that n i am too but he-he just isnt how i know him..yknow? if this is how he is ill embrace it dont get me wrong, but i just know hes getting into that lifestyle again n its so so bad for him but i wouldnt tell him any of this shit n if your reading this now. 21;48 23/01/18 shit would have been too much n i would of had to tell you how i feel n this isnt everything..god im gonna write another 60 of these but i am..so worried about you. you're changing, n some good ways n some bad, but i dont recognise you anymore, i worry now if you see this you'll shout n be mad n i just cant deal anymore, im just gonna be basic, neutral bc im scared you'll get rid of me, like some object n i guess this is the goodbye..to Emily queen(yassss bitch slayyyyyy) but to the'' im doing everything you want to the extreme just to please you Emily''.(so hi.) n i want you kept safe n happy but i dont think you get both anymore. its tough for me bc i dont think things will ever be the same...
rant 1 of (infinitive)
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Dont be mad..this may of been a mistake..
