I was 4 years old the first time I realised she was always there when I fell asleep.
I would stare curiously at her, her light brown hair dancing in the wind as we sat side by side. She smiled at me, offering me a small flower, and I beamed back, taking it, and carefully setting it aside to avoid crushing it, before I run away, looking back and seeing her chasing me.
I was 6 years old when I learned what a soulmate was. My parents reminiscing about my dreams.
“That person you meet in your dream is your soulmate, Altagracia. They are the person that completes you, the perfect one for you.” My dad took my mothers hand, and she smiled sweetly at him. “Even if you try, you’ll never be able to love another. They’re the person you’re destined to be with for all of your life”.
Altagracia smiled. The idea of running around and playing forever with her seemed like a really good one. I made sure to give her an extra tight hug, and she reciprocated happily, before we both run to the swings, racing to see who won. And if I let her win on purpose, I’d
never tell her.
I was 7 when I realised she wasn’t actually always there when I fell asleep. 3 days after my birthday, I got really, really ill. My mom was frantic when she took me to the hospital,
and I had to spend about two weeks there while they fixed me. Pneumonia, they said. My mom
scolded me for playing outside in December, but the snow was so pretty, I couldn’t help myself.
There was absolutely nothing to do in the hospital, so I spent most of my time sleeping. That’s when I found out that she wasn’t there when I napped, but was there at night. I asked her why.
She rolled her eyes.
“We only meet when both of us are sleeping, you dollop head.”
Oh.
Well, that explained it, I thought.
I was 9 when I found out we didn’t live in the same country. I was sad. Really sad. Naïvely I had asked if we could meet to play when we were awake. She smiled softly, and told me that she lived in the other side of the planet.
I was 10 when I realised I didn’t know her name.
“You don’t need to know my name, Alta. I know yours, and you know who I am better than I know myself. That’s enough for now.”
I believed her.
I was 12 when she held me as I cried for the first time. I was moving to a new school without any of my friends and was terrified. “Don’t be an idiot, Altagracia, you’re awesome, and friendly, and have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s going to be okay. Everyone will want to be your friend the second they see you smile.”
She was right.
I was 13 when I realised I loved music. She laughed at me when I run up to her, all smiles and loud voice.
“I already know, you idiot. You’re always humming or singing something. I bet you’re the only
one who didn’t know.”
I was 14 when I found out she was older than me. It surprised me, but I didn’t hate the idea. She had always been extremely protective of me.
She was my best friend since I had memory. Always there to offer a smile or a kind word. The fact that she was two years older than me changed nothing, other than the fact that I wished I’d been born sooner, so that she wouldn’t have had to spend two years alone in her dreams.
I was 16 when I got into the music industry. She was so proud of me, so, so proud. She had hugged me so tightly that night, allowing me to tell her every little detail of my new life.
I was 17 when we celebrated the fact that she had gotten the full scholarship to the University
of her dreams. I loved to remember the smile, her sweet smile, her eyes sparkling with happiness, and her laugh resounding around us as I hugged her to my body and turned
around in circles. I spent the next week smiling like an idiot, and couldn’t stop talking about my
genius of a soulmate, much to the exasperation of my members.
I was 18 when I finally debuted, all cute and skirt concepted. She gushed about how adorable I looked and how precious I was, how talented all of us were, and how my voice sounded so
good, but not better than when I sang to her.
I was 19 when I got used to see her change her hair colour every month or so. My favourite was pink. She went through every single color on the rainbow, and would laugh when our hair suddenly matched when I got it done for comebacks. I bragged to my members about how my
soulmate’s hair constantly changed.
They rolled their eyes and allowed me to get lost in my own mind, thinking about how much I wanted to run my fingers through her hair in real life.
I was 20 when I asked her why her hair was only a pretty pastel pink, and had been that way for a couple months.
“Don’t you like it? Wasn’t pink your favourite hair colour on me, anyway?”
“Yes, but…”
“No buts. I can’t change it then.” And she pushed me into the snow, running away quickly, and squealing when I caught up with her, swinging her around.
I was 21 when I got the courage to ask her if wr could meet while we were awake. I had a concert in her country, and would spend a couple of days there afterwards, so I stared at her,
hopeful, but my face fell when I saw her doubt. My eyes watered, and she bit her lip, but told me an address, and told me to go there the next day.
“Altagracia…” I smiled at her. “There’s something you need to know…”
Her name.
It was equivalent to her beauty.
Maria Rizwan.
After 17 years, she had finally told me her name.
I was 21 when the taxi dropped me, Keyla, who was going there for picture purposes, and Joana, who was there because she had nothing better to do, and she didn’t want to spend the entire day in the hotel, in front of a park. I followed her instructions, and soon we were in a secluded part of the park, all three of us looking around to see if we could find her.
I was 21 when I fell on my knees, eyes welling, a gasp leaving my lips.
There she was, pink hair, sweet smile, eyes that squinted with the curve of her lips, in a cute dress.
I was 21 when I realised I was never going to see her when I was awake.
The stone was covered in fresh flowers, trinkets left there by a lot of people
“Beloved by everyone who knew Maria.
Dear daughter, sibling, friend
Good night, and you will dream of me”
I was 21 when my entire world fell apart.
I met her a couple of hours later, after Keyla and Joana were able to tear me apart off her grave, and carry me back to the hotel, tears falling down my cheeks all the while.
“You are not here anymore.”
“I am. This is the only place I will always be. You get a choice, you know? As I was dying, the
grim reaper gave me a choice. I could either go on and wait for us to meet in our next life, or I could live in your dreams for the rest of your life. I chose to stay. I know the rules, Altagracia. You’d been alone if I didn’t stay.”
“So you’ll always be here for me?”
“Always, I’ll be here waiting to see you, and I’ll be here to hug you as soon as you fall asleep.”
I was 21 when I realised she was truly gone, but still living in my dreams.
I was 21 when I was glad I wasn’t born in a universe where no soulmates existed.
And I realized what her words meant one day, "hey Altagracia."
"Hmmm."
"You were always my favorite dream."
And like that she disappeared like my memories written, but forgotten.
We were soulmates destined to be soulless.
