Rebels: A Hamilton AU (*DISCONTINUED*)

5.) All My Fault

Alex's POV
*Ring, ring*
I'm woken up from my short nap with John and our newly found cats by the ringing and glowing screen of my phone. Groaning, I unlatch my arm from around John's waist and unplug it from the charger to see who's calling: Thomas? I feel a smirk creep its way onto my lips; He never calls me.
"Hey Thomas," I say groggily, but still allow a twinge of excitement to find its way into my voice. "What's up?"
My joy that Thomas called is quickly refuted by an angry voice on the other end of the phone.
"Alex," he says harshly. "Could you explain to me why Eliza knows?"
I still haven't completely woken up, "Knows about what?"
"Jesus Christ Alex, you know what I'm talking about!"
His voice is so loud that John begins to stir next to me. Sitting up, I try and turn away from him to let him sleep.
"Thomas," I breathe out calmly and try to keep a low tone. "I'm so tired of having to keep this a secret. God, I don't even know what we're trying to keep secret anymore. What are we?"
He doesn't reciprocate my mildness and instead continues on with his anger. "I told you when we started this 'thing' that I didn't want anyone to know about it, no questions asked. And, honestly, lately, I don't even know why we're doing this. You've continually blamed this entire thing on me and keep pushing for us to go 'public', but we don't even know what we are. I'm done with you blaming this on me, you're a part of this, too."
I don't even know what to say; he's never done this before.
I must have physically jumped at Thomas's remarks, because I feel John stir discontentedly next to me.
"Alex?" he whines. "What's going on?"
I hold the phone away from me and rub his arm gently. "Shh, just go back to sleep. Everything's fine."
"Alex? Answer me dammit." Thomas's voice is still booms through the phone speaker and I get up to head for the kitchen, leaving a very confused and sleepy John alone in the other room.
When I get to the kitchen, I shut the door carefully behind me and lock it. My mood immediately shifts when I raise my phone up to my ear again and still hear Thomas rambling on about how everything is my fault.
I cut him off with words equally as cutting as his own, "How the hell can you blame this on me Thomas? You just call me up out of nowhere and within the first five minutes you just yell at me! This is so like you, you know? You just think that nothing in life has consequences, well guess what? You can't keep pushing people away like this and expect them to come crawling back every time! I matter too!"
And then there's silence.
I don't hear anything coming from the other end of the phone.
Oh God, what have I done? John's already slipping away from me; he has been for weeks on end. I can't lose Thomas, too. I knew I shouldn't have said that to him, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Maybe I'm the one being insensitive.
How did I manage to lose one of the most important people in my life in a matter of minutes?
"T-Thomas?"
"What, Alexander?"
"I'm sorry. Please talk to me."
"Is there anything left to say?"
Maybe there isn't anything left to say. Maybe I messed it up so badly this time that he won't be coming back. Why do I always mess everything up?
"Please Thomas I can't lose you. I'm sorry."
He exhales deeply. "It's- it's fine. We both said things we regret. Let's just talk about it later, okay?"
"Okay..."
After a silence longer than the first, he still hasn't hung up.
"Thomas?"
"Yeah?"
"I really am sorry."
"I know, Alex."
And then there's nothing again.
I hang up, sigh, and lean back on the counter. Why do these things keep happening to me? This is just all I can seem to do, mess things up.
Deciding against wallowing in my own self pity, I open the kitchen door and reveal a distraught John on the other side.
"John," I try to act oblivious to his state. "How long have you been standing there?"
I try not to look so upset, but I can tell that John isn't going to buy it. He's always been able to see right through me.
In fact, when I decide to drop my act and take a closer look at John, I see that his face his red and his eyes are puffy. When he breathes, his chest rises and falls shakily as though he's been crying.
I immediately try and hug him, but he grabs both of my arms and pushes them away.
"Why, Alex," he whimpers. "Why do you keep putting yourself through this?"
"John, what are you talking about?" I ask; I'm surprised he's being so direct yet so... sad.
"You know what I mean." he says, wiping a tear from his eye. "I can't keep standing by and watching while you do this to yourself. It's obvious that you aren't happy and I don't think I can take it anymore."
"John, I-"
"Don't even try and act like you're okay Alex, you're not. I just don't get why you won't-" he cuts himself off mid sentence.
"Why I won't what John?"
"Why you can't just be with someone who makes you happy, ok?!"
I'm taken aback by his sudden outburst.
"John, you don't mean you?"
He just looks at me with the saddest expression on his face and pulls my face up to his, kissing me softly yet desperately. Before I even have the chance to fully melt into him, he pulls away and walks out of the apartment, leaving me speechless in the hallway.

A/N: I'm back and... ANGST?
Hello everyone! I've missed y'all lots. Thank you so very much for continuing to support my writing even while I was away for *looks at calendar* FIVE MONTHS?! I sincerely apologize for my lack of updates. I had some real life things going on that were preventing me from writing, but I'll try to get a chapter out each week now that school has been fairly steady. And I may or may not have been inspired by someone to get off my ass and write something lol (you know who you are).
In my absence, I have done virtually nothing except seen Les Mis in Philadelphia on January 14 and Hamilton in the 19th. Broadway shows are all I live for.
Anyways, hopefully I will see you all next week!
Much love,
Amanda❤️