"i-i'm scared josh. i'm really, really scared." the older boy shakily said as he leaned further into the crook of the other boy's neck.
joshua tightended his grip on the shaking makes shoulder, given it a reassuring squeeze. it wasn't ideal, sitting in a mediocre library bathroom at one-fourty-two in the morning, with jeonghan's textbooks and three unfinished papers scattered around a wodden table in what was most likely a desolate room.
the two sat in silence, joshua letting his mind wander to the content of the papers, trying to piece together events that pushed the brunette to the point of tears and frantic phone calls at half past one.
"tell me," the boy started as he lifted his head up. his shoulder length hair was tangled, the small bun on top of his head now a loose knot with smal fly always sprouting in every which way. if jeonghan hadn't been having a mental breakdown, joshua would've found it cute.
"are we really in a bathroom directly outside the library?"
joshua almost laughed— would've had he not heard and seen how serious jeonghan was.
the boy who's hair tinted to a lighter brown was taken aback by the question, as if a singular ten word sentence swept the oxygen right out of his lungs.
he figured jeonghan saught simple answers, answers that painted a minimalist panting. one with a plain background serving as a wall, with a shelf location to the right. on it, sat five houseplants, each simple but easy to differentiate and understand what was being communicated nonetheless.
"yes."
"then... why do i feel i'm not here. i— i know i am. i know i'm here, sitting, against this cold shitty half assed wall. with you. but i don't feel like i am."
he was so frantic, words uneasy and unsteady. he was scared. the minimalistic houseplant painted was now splattered with random bursts of paint. each at their own pace, adding disturbance to what was previously ideal.
joshua never got a chance to answer his first blurb of speech.
"sometimes i feel like i'm watching my own life, as someone takes control of my body for me. the work i produce, its mine. the artwork, it's mine i know it is. but, i can hardly remember doing it, or being there for it."
he continued after taking another shaking breath. "i can't remember things well anymore, things we've done with our friends are just blurs. i feel like i've been separated from myself completely and i can't do anything about it. i can't feel things happening to me anymore and it's terrifying."
he kept gradually speeding up. the paint splatters speed increasing to a point the painting was almost covered.
"i don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. i want it to stop, but i can't. i'm so scared josh i don't know what to do."
joshua couldn't say anything, didn't know how to. all he knew was to provide as much comfort possible to the shaking boy, as they both began to drift off.
by two-fifteen in the morning, two boys were asleep in the middle of a public bathroom to the left of the entrance to a university library in a city both didn't know much about.
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whoa heck i didn't edit or even read over that but i've been reading a lot about dissociation lately as i've been feeling a couple symptoms myself and some i know may be dealing with it as well and i kind of wanted to write what i'm feeling so i made this lil drabble (would you say it's a drabble??? it's a tad long i suppose but oh well).
