Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there. And let me tell you how I became the master of crab seduction.
*Clears throat*
It all started, not long ago when I sat watching my Dad's fish tank through the corner of my eye. My eye caught on his crab "Mr. Crabs" (Unoriginal I know) waving his large claw at me on the other far side of the tank.
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He was waving that big claw up and down slowly like a robot. And me, being the bully I am, started to mock him in a teasing way. I would wave my hand at him, and I soon just started moving whenever he did. I didn't think he would pay mind to it at all because he's a crab.
But he definitely noticed.
Before I knew it, he was strutting (and I mean strutting) his way towards me. And soon we were face to face, eye to eye. And we were challenging each other.
In other words, He was trying to attract a female, and I accidentally told him all the females belonged to me so he came at me like, "Oh yeah? You wanna go?"
And I responded of course, "Heck yeah, I wanna go."
So I now have this crab trying to climb out of the fish tank to come fight me.
And I thought it was hilarious and terrifying at the same time. Because I constantly live in fear of things that look like spiders.
I showed my local parent what the crab was doing and he responded, "He probably thinks you're trying to steal the girl crab."
I looked at him like, "Waaaaa?" Because I thought that Mr. Crabss was the only crab in the tank.
My dad proceeded to inform me that there was a female also in the tank, it was just that she hides every day in one of the decorations. He even said that he forgets she exists or that she might be dead, he just doesn't know.
Mr. Crabsss was still trying to get my attention so we could fight.
But I had a thought pop in my head.
And I present to you the science fair project I should have done for my grade in science, but it was too late.
Can I seduce a female crab enough to make her leave the male for me?
I skipped the research process and just went straight in for the hypothesis that...
Yes, I could.
So I figured out where the female was and get in a position where she could see me, and Mr. Crabssss could still try to fight me.
I ended up going to the other side of the tank, where Mr. Crabsssss had been in the first place. And I started to wave my hand like the male crab did.
He got pissed off pretty quick running back to where I was trying to kill me, but I was getting upset because there was no sign of the female.
So I got over it and went back to watching tv, pissing of Mr. Crabs⁶ once in a while.
I took a small glance to see if the crab was still threatening me when I realized that a little bit away from Mr. Crabs™ was the female.
I showed my dad, and he thought it was cool at the time, but now he's scared to leave me alone with the crabs in fear I might start making them be my servants (which isn't a bad idea).
So in a way, I had successfully seduced the female into coming out of her hiding place.
But I wouldn't be able to say that my hypothesis was correct, because a short time after, she went back into hiding.
But I would say that I am the crab seduction master, and all male crabs must fear me.
