Art and Whatnot

Why

Why is my favorite word

I can ask it to ANYTHING and the person either gives me an answer, no answer or lies

I asked my mom why all my art sits on the top shelf of my closet when we moved in, she said

" Because we're going to get frames and hang it up all over the house" her exact words.

Now.

4 years later I wake up this morning and go to school like everyone teenager, I finish this peace that I have been working on for months. In my opinion it's shit. Because I knew in the back of my head it would end up on the same GOD DAM SHELF

My friend Braden asks "why are you so down on your self" I knew I couldn't tell him the reason. I can't just trust people anymore. I have so much trouble trusting people.

I tell him

" Because this won't make history, this won't even make it on my wall"

He didn't talk about it till the end of class

I got home and I waited for my mother to get home. When she finally did she didn't even notice the pice of art till I pointed it out

" oh that's nice, that would look good in your room" that was it. The same thing she says. The same thing every time.

Rage filled up inside of me but I covered it with a silent, thank you.

This is most hated topic honestly, cause every time it ends with me realizing more, and MORE. That my parents don't support what I am going to do with my life.

I want to be a lead animator for Disney, I want to make rides, to design them, and help design the parks.

I want to see people enjoy life, to see them smile, to hear their laughs day after day. I want to give them the childhood I could never give myself.

Sure I have money, my mom has told me several times that " You're such a spoiled brat"

Sorry mom

I know I honestly know

I get FUCKING EVERYTHING

a room, cloths, food, good schools. I am spoiled.

I COULD LIVE STARVING!

I COULD BE SECONDS FROM DEATH

I don't want any of it. I could live without it. It is all for pleasure and for living.

I could be on my death bed and the only thing I would want to hear is

I'm

Proud

Of

You

She could say it now and I would know she is lying

WERE WAS THAT WHEN I WAS 4

When I was 8

when I was 14

She needs to hear it, she needs to know she is doing good, to know you are proud of her

My boyfriend yesterday said

I'm proud of you

I look over to him. I just smile and ask

Why?

Because why would he

" Because you're doing your homework"

He doesn't know how much that meant to me. To know someone appreciates that I'm actually trying to do something

He said something my parents have almost never said to me.

I remember my mom said it once. She said she was proud because I didn't give up

I didn't stay down after getting rejected Volleyball  for "not being good enough " ((Exact FUCING WORDS ))from show choir TWICE. And eating Legit ALL of my friends make it. And HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COMPLAIN. Imagine

" Yeah I'm so sore from dancing and rehearsals." ... " I didn't get a solo but they did" 

Imagine having to support them after they complain about something you really wanted. About listening to their shit and watching their shows and supporting EVERYTHING

Getting rejected from the musicals 3 times and not making crew. The shit of the show. The people who make the damn sets

I made crew ONCE In IN MY LAST YEAR

I can't even say I'm proud of myself.

I need to try harder. To GROW THE FUCK UP

I don't want to grow up

I'm so scared