Me, myself and him

Chapter 1

24 january 2018

How can someone tell the difference between reality and a nightmare?
It's been 9 months and 26 days and i still wake up every day staring at the white ceiling in my room wishing to unlock my phone to find a message from him. "Good Morning princess" was how i used to start my days. Simple three words were enough fuel for me to get through the exhausting details of my everyday. Now, all of that is gone, he's gone, or it was all a bad dream, would i be thinking to myself, but it's not, my pillow and blanket that i hug crying myself to sleep with knows, even the white ceiling in my room knows that it's not. I woke up, avoiding checking my phone like everyday wondering if this misery is ever bound to have an ending.

Today started like an ordinary everyday.
I laughed my lungs out with my best friends, ate really good food and avoided him like he was just another guy i go to college with. Looking at me from far one would think i was the most content and happy girl out there, especially after being dumped for another pretty, popular girl and me on the other hand not even bothering to skip a day of college to grieve let alone the high marks I've been scoring all of that made them look at me with awe glittering in their eyes. I can see it in the supporting smiles they give me as i pass by. Some even started rumors like " Sophie dumped Matt when she finally realized what a dick he really is! Thats why he started dating that girl just right after the breakup for revenge." This one is actually my favorite rumor, not because they think he's a dick and i deserve better, but because it reminds me of everything I've done and gone through just to cover up all the hurt i was feeling, it's like a victory reward, a reminder that i am strong and nothing can bring me down. I did what i did not to just get my revenge by showing him that I don't care, i valued myself more than to let someone who treated me this badly bring me down, i knew my worth and I wasn't going to let him, especially after what he did, ever underestimate me in any way possible. But it hurts. It still hurts.

Today started ordinary only untill something happened that jumbled my feelings up and down. I was talking and joking with my friends when i caught him, Matt, staring at me from far, although it was just a moment before i looked away, i felt the sorrow within his gaze, it had a mixture of sadness and nostalgia. That look he gave me touched a part of my soul, a part he used to own. I felt him looking at me several times more after that like he was waiting for something back from me but i never gave anything in return, i just couldn't. Everytime i look at him i see the asshole that stepped on my heart like it was any kind of dirt on his way, as much as i loved him, the part he owned of me is dead or more likely ruined, because i still love him, i still long to hear his voice or feel the warmth of his lips against mine again but I can't get myself to even give him as much as a glance.
Now I'm stuck in a limbo of contradiction. I love him but i also hate that i do. If only this was just a bad dream.