What You Can't Have

      As I stood on the balcony and looked down, I couldn't believe my eyes. 

      "Can I talk to you?"

      You always did those grandiose things when it came to us. I've relived that night every day since it had happened.  The insanity of you being there.  It was midnight, and the air hung thick like summer.  I didn't want that night to end because I knew once it did, we would, too.  There was so much I wanted to say, but instead we just stared at each other with the same kind of excitement as two flies that had just found shit.  

      We're both misunderstood.

      I want you more than anything in the world, and my chest is collapsing because I can't have that.  I want to stroke your leg while you're wearing your torn-up jeans.  I want to touch your hand like I know it's mine.  I want to look into your eyes and not feel sad because there's not the same shimmer that I had always loved like before.  It isn't the big things, but rather the small ones. 

      If you apologized, maybe we could be friends. You could come over and we'd watch movies and play board games like we used to.  I bet you'd still always win.  I don't know how you'd do it; winning every time without cheating.  But all I can think about is how somehow our legs would likely intertwine underneath the table.  You'd flirt with me to try and distract me from my strategy.  That wouldn't happen anymore.  You'd drink your coffee and I'd drink my diet soda in my lonely living room, and then you'd hug me before you leave. 

      No kiss.

      You'd tell me there will be drinks at your house tonight if I want to join.  You might call me later. 

      But you wouldn't. 

      I wouldn't.

      You told me you're sorry you left so suddenly.  You're sorry for wrenching yourself away from me when it hurt us both.  You don't know why you say.

      We went inside and talked for hours.  You kept looking back at me, for some reason; like there was something wrong.  I would have stared longer at you, had I known I wouldn't be seeing you again.

      We said our goodbyes, and I went home feeling really good about everything- thinking that we would get back together, just like old times.  But, I was wrong.  That night, you truly broke my heart.

      And now, maybe a month later, I sit without you on this balcony.  I often stay out here until after 2 a.m., staring at my phone thinking just maybe...

      Now all I really want is your apology for coming back in the first place.