bullies to brothers (niall horan love story)

chapter 31

More Secrets Revealed

~NELLY'S POV~Me and the girls decided to go upstairs and have 'girl time' as Perrie said, god knows what she has in mind. When we got to my room the girls changed into their pajamas and we all got comfortable on my bed and Perrie took out a small notebook from her bag."What you got there?" I asked her and she smiled and looked down for a moment before looking back up at me."Well, I'm just going to get straight to the point here. When I was going through a rough time with Brad, I used to write my feelings in songs; like Niall sometimes does; and when Zayn draws. And I wanted to share it with you because your going through a shitty time right now and it might help a little. If you want to try that is, you obviously don't have to its just a thought." Perrie answered and shrugged a little before handing the book to us. I looked to her to see if she was sure about letting us go through what are basically her thoughts, past and feelings and she nodded.I turned the first page and it was just some doodles and a few words scattered around like 'fuck you' which made me smile a little, but then ones like 'ugly' and worthless' which made me frown. Two of the doodles were of a heart which had an arrow on fire going through it and cracks in the middle and there was an eye which had tears in it. El turned the page and it was a song called 'Good Enough'.'I am, the diamond you left in the dustI am, the future you lost in the pastSeems like i never compare, who'd notice if i disappeared?You stole the love i saved for myselfAnd i watched you give it to somebody elseBut these scars, no longer i hideI found the light you shut insideCouldn't love me if you tried.Am i still not good enough?Am i still not worth that much?I'm sorry for the way my life turned outSorry for the smile I'm wearing nowGuess I'm still not good enough.Does it burn, knowing i used all the pain?Does it hurt, knowing your fuel to my flame?Don't look backDon't need your regretsThank god you left my love behindCouldn't change me if you tried.Am i still not good enough?Am i still not worth that much?I'm sorry for the way my life turned outSorry for the smile I'm wearing nowGuess I'm still not good enough.Release your curse, 'cos i know my worthThose words you made i thought you ain't seen nothing yetYour love wore thin and i never winYou want the best, I'm sorry that's clearly not meOh, this is all i can be.Am i still not good enough?Am i still not worth that much?I'm sorry for the way my life turned outSorry for the smile I'm wearing nowGuess I'm still not good enough.'When i finished reading it i felt like crying for her, and beating the shit out of Brad. Who would want to make another person feel as if they aren't good enough? Thank god she doesn't feel like that now or bones would break and blood would spill."This one was when i was in the middle of leaving him. I wanted to leave him before he, you know......and this was when i wrote it." Perrie explained and turned the page for us.This one was called 'Turn Your Face'."In my memoryAll the small thingsLike daggers in my mindIn my memoryWhile my head believesThe words I'll never findAnd that i always meant to say to you 'i cant'.Cos you turned your faceAnd now i cant feel you anymoreTurn your faceAnd now i cant see you anymoreWalk away until your not standing at my doorTurn your face, walk away, and stayTurn your face.Oh, oh ooh.In my memoryI was hurtingLong before we met, ohI my memoryThey're still burningFingerprints you leftAnd i always meant to say to you 'i cant'.So just turn your faceUntil i cant see you anymoreTurn your faceUntil i cant see you anymoreWalk away until your not standing at my doorTurn your face, walk away, and stayTurn your face.Each time i take you backYou bring one-thousand criesAnd i accept them like a fool, ooh.So now whats your excuse?What do we have to lose?Since I'm already losing you.So hard to face that i cant feel you anymoreSo hard to face that i cant see you anymoreSo walk away until your not standing a my doorTurn your face, walk away, and stayTurn your faceTurn your face and stayTurn your face.'Wow. I look to Perrie who is reading back over her lyrics before her gaze returns to us four. She breathes out and speaks."This one is when i finally chose to leave Brad. It also talks about when i took him back after he cheated on me; when i actually was able to stand up to him and left him on more than one occasion, all for cheating that is except for the last one which was when he raped me..." She trailed off a little before turning the page over to another song called 'Boy'."Oh yeah, me and Dani helped with this one didn't we?" El said to Perrie who nodded eagerly and Dani laughed lightly.'Do you remember what he said?I do, he told you he'd never, ever hurt youBut oh, here we go againAnother breakup, makeupWhen you gonna wakeup?I'm gonna be the one to call him outLook how many times he let you downWhen's he gonna learn to be a real man?I'll be the one to say your beautifulOne more word he never said at allI'm just saying you need to go forget that boyForget that boyYou know that boy ain't good enough for youYour holding back tears in your eyesThat boy wanna fight but I never see him fighting for youHe'll never realize what he's got until its goneAnd he'll lose you foreverGirl you'll be alright, forget that boyGirl don't you know you set the tone?I'll make you stop that, fight backHe won't get away with thatLook who's ringing up your phoneYou wanna call back, leave thatAin't nobody got time for thatIts funny how the tables turnWhen he's the one who's left at homeFind your own real man and go forget that boyForget that boyYou know that boy ain't good enough for youYour holding back tears in your eyesThat boy wanna fight but I never see him fighting for youHe'll never realize what he's got until its goneAnd he'll lose you foreverGirl you'll be alright, forget that boySee what your worth girl, look what you gotHe knows your out of his league if he likes it or notI know what your worth girl, you know what you gotYou knows your out of his league if he likes it or notForget that boyForget that boyYou know that boy ain't good enough youYour holding back tears in your eyesThat boy wanna fight but I never see him fighting for youHe'll never realize what he's got until its goneAnd he'll lose you foreverGirl you'll be alright, forget that boyThat boyI know what your worth girl, you know what you gotWe know your out of his league if he likes it or notGirl you'll be alright, forget that boy.'I love this one, you can really see how close the three are. It almost makes me jealous! I smiled at her, Dani and El and Dani spoke up."We didn't know how bad he really hurt her; that he physically hurt her and made her feel bad about herself and we we weren't as close then as we are now." She said with a small smile."Yeah, we thought it was just a bad break up. We called her over for girl time to take her mind of things and ended up putting this song together, even though us two can't sing. But Perrie can do this singing, Dani can do the back up dancing and I can do the chilling." El giggled and half hugged each of them."Its crazy that it was just over five months ago that we wrote this song in Eleanor's bedroom, right? And I started dating Zayn almost five months ago too. It feels like a couple of weeks ago." Perrie grins. I look at Ally who looks at me with the same, awed expression."You guys have one of the most incredible friendships ever!" Ally said with a huge smile"Hey, yous are a part of it!" El pointed at us and I chuckled and leaned forward to hug them, Ally at my side."I love you guys." I said while we group hugged.A knock at the door caused us to pull away and I closed Perrie's notebook."Come in." I said and Niall and Harry came through the door with their hands behind their backs."Hey, how-dee-doo?" Niall smiled and Harry grinned a dimpled smile as they both stepped further into my room."Were good, just chatting. Nothing important." I replied and the corners of my mouth turned up as a result of Niall's smile."What's behind your back? You handcuffed or something?" Ally asked and raised an eyebrow."Nope, we brought you snacks. None of you have been down for a couple of hours so we thought you'd be hungry." Harry said and pulled a big bowl of chicken tagliatelle and five forks from behind him. Niall showed two smaller bowls, one with a mix of Pringles and the other with different types of candy."Dinner is served. Two of the other lads should be showing up with drinks." Niall grinned charmingly and Harry passed the bowl over and gave each of us forks. Niall put the candy and Pringles next to the tagliatelle as Zayn and Liam came in with drinks with Louis behind them."We were gonna bring you Coke's, but we remembered what happened last time we gave Nelly a coke so we did cherry-ade, but we put a tiny bit of vodka in it with ice cubes." Zayn winked and he and Liam passed our drink too us. That sounds like heaven."And I brought straws." Louis chirped in and gave us one each."Well, we'll leave you to enjoy." Harry said professionally and Niall smiled at us then winked at me and the lads left."Thank you!" We called after them."Don't mention it!" They shouted back."What happened last time they gave you Coke?" El asked amused and we tucked into the food the boys brought us."I was staying over and I got really hyper. I was basically bouncing off the walls." I giggled remembering when I was giving them a lecture about slippers or somethingLike that. They laughed. Perrie's expression changed a little."Nelly, um, uh" She stammered."What is it?" I urged her."Um, how come you got so frightened when you saw the knife?" She asked me and my breath hitched in my throat from being caught so off guard. I didn't need to ask her what she meant by 'knife'."Well, i never told anyone this. But when he,you know, did it... he said that if I scream for him to stop again then he will make it even worse for me. I obviously didn't stop screaming because he was violating me and I wanted it to stop, so, he reached into the pocket of his trousers which were on the floor and pulled a knife out. He'd gash the tops of my legs each time I'd scream for him to stop so I was obviously in agony and eventually blacked out from the pain of everything that was happening. That night I..." I trailed off with tears in my eyes remembering it. The girls gave me an encouraging look and i continued."I actually contemplated suicide that night, and the night of the next week or two. I'd just lie there and stare atthe ceiling and wish it would just collapse on me. I almost never left my room, my mom and dad actually broke the locks on the door because I hadn't come out for two days in a row. I only let Wes in because he knew what was going on, he was the only one i ever, ever told." I finished and sniffled and wiped my eyes."Oh my god." Perrie gasped horrified and pulled me into a hug which Ally, El and Dani joined in."Do you want to see them. They're just at the top of my legs, nothing, you know, explicit if that's the right word." I asked and they looked at me to see if I was sure.I tugged the leg of my pajama bottoms up but it never went far enough so I pushed my bottoms down so you could see the scars on both legs. I wiped the tears away from my eyes then pulled my pajamas back up before sitting back on the bed with the girls who held a guilty expression. Why would they feel guilty? They've done nothing wrong."What's that face for?" I asked them while eating some pasta."I'm sorry for asking about it." Perrie said."Why? If I didn't want to talk about it then I wouldn't of. To be honest it feels better now that its off my chest and I've told someone." I assured her and she nodded."I can't believe it. Niall would fucking blow up if he knew this. You probably don't remember his face when you told us about 'The Big R'. He was seriously about to go murder him." Dani said."Are you going to tell the boys about it?" Ally asked."I don't know. How would I say it?" I asked them and bit my lip."Um, I'm not sure. How about if you just tell Niall then he can tell the others for you." Dani suggested."Okay. When though?" I sighed and brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them."Whenever you feel like it, now, tomorrow, the day after, the day after that..." Ally said and I pondered the idea of telling him now. What would I even say?"You could just go to him and tell him you want to talk in private for a moment. Then just say it." Dani said as if she was reading my mind."But I don't want to go alone-alone." I bit my lip again."One of us can go with you, I will if you want?" Perrie offered and I nodded."Now?" She asked and I nodded again and stood up."Now or never, I might as well do it now while I have enough will power in me." I breathed out."We'll be back soon." Perrie told the other three and they said 'okay'.We went down stairs and into the living room to find Louis, Zayn and Liam watching sports."Where are Niall and Harry at?" Perrie asked."Niall is in the shower and Harry is in the gym." Liam answered."Oh okay." I replied."Why?" Zayn asked."Just wanted to tell him something. Nothing important." I half lied and headed back upstairs."Should we wait for him to get out?" Perrie asked as we reached the landing."Um, wait I don't hear a shower." I said not fully answering her question and knocked on the door."One sec!" He called from the other side of the door. I looked to Perrie regretting knocking and she gave me a smile telling me its going to be okay.Before I could react, Niall's door flew open to reveal him with damp hair and a happy smile wearing sweats and a pajama tshirt-his usual bedtime clothing. Its not going to be a 'happy' smile for long though sadly."Hey. Wait have you been crying?" He asked concerned while opening the door further so we could walk in. We both got comfy on his bed and he joined us."Hey, uh yeah thats why I'm here..." I replied and Perrie nudged me. Niall noticed and gave a confused look."Go on." Perrie said and I narrowed my eyes at her before sighing."Hey, what's wrong?" Niall furrowed his eyebrows and took my hand in his."Nelly has something to tell you but isn't one hundred percent sure/confident about it, but she wants to. Its not good news but me and the girls think you should know and Nelly does too." Perrie explained and Niall looked even more confused and slightly worried."Well what is it?" He asked and looked from me to Perrie.This is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done and I don't think that anyone will understand just how difficult it is to say it. I looked from Perrie to Niall and sighed for the fiftieth time today."You know why I got so afraid when I saw that knife?" I muttered and Niall sat up straighter and shook his head slowly. I looked down at the bed while i continued and my eyes stung with tears again. I don't know what to say."Um, well when Joe did 'you know what',um if I screamed for him to stop he'd..." I trailed off and my voice got caught up in my throat. Niall caught my tears before they fell and Perrie put an arm around me to comfort me and Niall held my hands and his, his eyes full of worry."He'd what princess? What would he do?" He asked gently."That knife, he'd gash my legs with it if I kept screaming for him to stop, I-I couldn't help it though. " I stammered and cried silently and leaned an elbow on my knee and rested my head against it.Niall's expression went from worried to fuming in a split second and he cursed under his breath. Should I tell him about the suicide? No, he will probably just think I'm attention seeking."Suicide?!" Niall asked looking in my eyes. Fuck, I said it out loud. I nodded."Why would I think your attention seeking?" He asked and Perrie stood up."I'll just be in your room with the girls." She said and rubbed my back softly before tiptoeing out of the door."Why would you think of taking your own life? And as a result of that lunatic?" Niall asked with pain lacing his voice."I just felt so broken and shitty and my life couldn't get any worse at that point. I just wanted it all to go away and i couldn't think of another way to get rid of it. It was just eating away at me day by day. Sometimes i would lie there wishing that the ceiling would collapse with a great force and destroy me further. But that passed because i felt dead anyway. But that was then, I don't feel like that anymore. My mom and dad and Wes found out about my depression, but only Wes knew how it came about and they helped me get through it." I explained and Niall pulled me to him so i was near the top of his bed where he was and held me to him. I draped an arm over his torso with his arms around me."Your just full of shocks and surprises, aren't you?" Niall sighed sadly and I nodded lightly with a small smile at his choice of words."I know you wont but if you ever feel like that again, i want you to come to me. Any time of any day and tell me whats on your mind.. Promise?" Niall said and put his pinky forward to me and my heart fluttered. A little grin appeared on my face as i sniffled again as I looped my pinky, then my index finger with his."I promise." I said and we sat in silence for a while.I just realized that everyone in this household right now knows basically every single detail about me. I'm so stupid for telling them it all because now they can hurt me with it. Or they will see me in a different way. Why can't I shut my mouth when I need to? I mean, I don't mind telling this lot about me if they ask, its just, the things I just told them are practically at the peek of my darkest secrets and I told them without hardly hesitating. Now I don't thing I have any more secrets for myself because I've told them all. I just hope they don't see me as a week or vulnerable person or something. Or as someone who doesn't care, because I do deep, deep down. I only don't care of what people think much; my style, the way I look, the way I act. But if its about me; my background, my past, my friends and family then I will go ballistic. I hope I can actually trust them as much as I do."Are you okay?" Niall asked me, and I didn't realize that I became stiff as a board."Yeah. Um Niall, I want you to be really honest with me right now..." I began."Of course, what is it?" He asked me."Has the way you see me changed at all since before you found out about my parents and Wes, like at all? Be honest." I asked him and he took a minute to think."Well yeah, but not in a bad way. The obvious one is that I see you as more than a friend...obviously...I see you stronger as a person; I see that your more courageous/determined; I see that your more open about things. I just see you as your beautiful self but i notice more things the more I'm around you." Niall said and I did a small smile with a little blush in my cheeks since he called me beautiful."But is it a bad thing that I'm so open about things?" I asked him."No not at all. Just as long as you only tell the people you trust because if your secrets, or whatever your telling them gets in the wrong hands then your in serious fucking trouble. I like how you don't hold back on telling us things, it shows you trusts us. And you should." Niall assured me."Why do you ask?" He inquired."Long story. Doesn't matter." I said Niall nodded."Love you Niall." I added."Love you too princess, don't ever doubt it." Niall said and kissed my cheek. I kissed his too which caused us to chuckle.~NIALL'S POV~Fuming. Angry. Livid. Sick to my stomach. Vengeful. That's how I feel right now but I won't let Nelly know about it. I-I'm just speechless. He scarred her, physically as well as mentally."Hey, are you going to tell Harry, Zayn, Liam and Louis about it?" I asked her knowing she knew what I was talking about."I don't know. Not right now though, its all a bit to much with him." She said not saying Joes name. I don't blame her for it, I can barely say it without almost choking on my own puke.We went downstairs after a short while and everyone was there with a cup of tea before they went to bed. Nelly turned to me and gave a small smile before going to Dani, El, Perrie and Ally who were in the kitchen and I went to the lads who were in the living room."I can't believe its like 1:30AM and we aren't even in bed yet." Liam said."I know, its been a crazy day right?" Zayn agreed with him."I know. He won't give up, I just know it." I shook my head."All we can do is just be ready for him to show up as he does and prepare to kick his ass." Harry stated and I nodded agree in with him. The girls came in the living room."Were going to bed now." Nelly said and came over to give me a hug and kiss before giving the other boys a hug. The girls gave us all a hug too as they usually do when they stay over."Wait, what are the sleeping arrangements?" El asked Nelly and yawned."Oh, I don't know..I never thought about it." Nelly facepalmed and turned to me and the boys for a suggestion."Should we make the huge bed down here again like last time?" Liam put forward and everyone looked at eachother and nodded.All of us went to our rooms to get our quilts and pillows except to Dani, Perrie, Ally and El who went to get spares from the cupboard on the landing. After we retrieved them, we put them down in place on the floor once we cleared a space. When we did that we set our alarms and plugged our phones in then got in our usual places, from left to right: Me, Nelly, Louis, El, Ally, Harry, Zayn, Perrie, Dani and Liam. I turned the light off since I was the last one to get into the bed.We said our goodnights and went to sleep. Well, all except for Nelly and I, I always wait for her to fall asleep first but she was staring at the front door, as if she was waiting for it to swing open."Hey, what's up?" I whisper to her, her eyes stay glued to the door."I just feel as if he's going to come in while we're all sleeping and do something." She whispered back without shifting her gaze."He's not coming anywhere near here, you or anyone in this house." I reassured her and shuffled closer to her."I know but-I don't know. I'm just being silly." She shook her head and turned onto her side so she was facing me."Will you feel better if you had this with you?" I asked quietly and slid out of the bed, retrieving the gun from on the side table next to the sofa and giving it to Nelly. I got back in the bed next to her and ran my hand along her arm."Thanks. Its not that I don't feel safe here, its just that if he got in here somehow once then he can do it again. I'm just being paranoid." She sighed and looked at the gun for a moment before putting it just above her."Your not, you have every right to worry but you shouldn't because there is nine of us and one of him; he has no chance even if we're half asleep." I reassured her and she smiled."There is ten of us." She corrected me trying to sound smart."Nope, the princess doesn't fight." I winked joking and she shook her head while rolling her eyes. We got more comfortable in the bed and I wrapped my arms around her as I always do and she snuggled into my chest."Night Niall." She said closing her eyes."Night Nelly." I replied and kissed her head before falling asleep.