I would die for you

Flashbacks

I'm laying on my back eyes open its three in the morning and I have tears in my eyes. how will I tell him, my best friend forever, how can I tell him how much I love him. I get dressed witch takes me forever because I don't know color hat I want to wear. I decide on the blue one he got me a year ago. I brush my teeth and put on my leather jacket. I step into the warm humid night, the air smells faintly of pine. I walk into the woods as a shortcut to get to school. I stop by our fort we started in fourth grade. I keep all of my photos of us in there, we had some good times me and him. Like the time I tripped and he caught me around the waist with one arm. I almost kissed him that day. I run towards the school not realizing how much time I wasted. Sprinting I make it to homeroom just In time. Almost late on the first day yikes. Then I see him walk in his mild caramel hair contrasting with his pale skin and navy sea blue eyes. His shirt matches his eyes and he's wearing our matching jackets. I don't know how to tell him I'm in love with him. He walks over to me, he smells like strawberry and his breath is minty. "Hey Cindy" he leans over at me.
"Oh hey there buddy" I give him a friendly smile.
"How was your summer"
"Good yours?"
"Oh fine mostly worked with bobbie"
Bobbie is his step-father.
"Cool."
*bbbbrrrrriiiinnnggggg* The bell goes off I sit next to him on his left. The teachers name is Mr moose, I held back laughter at his name. The class went like any other class "no bullying, follow the rules, don't do drugs" that sort of thing. My next class is Math. Budd is in five out of six of my classes plus homeroom. I love him so much. I'm in math and he's not in this class. I'm sitting down when a voice calls behind me "hiya, I'm Mary and this is Arianna."
"Hey there." Arianna says
They seem nice enough and I only have one real friend so I tell them my name and ask if they want to hang out sometime. They accepted and then the bell rang for second hour. This reminds me of last year how Budd and I met a little group of four, two girls and two boys who turned out to be bullies. Me and him decided to never fully trust anyone anymore except each other. I'm in second hour when I see bud talking to another girl. She said her name was Tasha. I don't know why but I felt a wave of boiling anger and jealousy pour over me I wanted slap that b***h when I had the chance. She was so ugh! But Budd likes her and I just want him to be happy. It's lunch now and I'm waiting for Budd when I see him next to, her. I feel so betrayed for some reason. I guess he doesn't have feelings for me like I do for him. I run out of the lunch room and into the bathroom and sob. I feel the warm salty tears stream down my face. I wish things were different I want him to love me back, I want him to hold me and cuddle me when I'm cold and hug me when I'm sad. I want him to dance with me in his arms and kiss me all of the time. I want him to love me. It's not fair. "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" I scream tears falling onto my hands and I wipe them away. I haven't cried this bad since my dad and dog died in a car wreck when he was taking Josh to the vet. Or how my grandma got murdered in Detroit. Or when my aunt got an abortion with my only cousin. People say I'll be fine but I'm not fine and I never was I never will be. Budd was the first person to understand me the first shoulder to cry on. First person to share the pain . He was someone who I could talk to and someone who would listen to what I had to say. I feel so betrayed, so heartbroken, so rejected. I skipped fourth hour. I was suspended in fifth hour. I got caught. Better suspended than see that b***h's face for a week. I snuck some razors from my mom's razor blades and am using them to cut myself. The blood is a scarlet crimson color it drips onto the floor and runs down my arms it feels surprisingly cool against my skin. My mom is at work while I'm at home reading romance novels. And listening to music. It's Wednesday of next week and it's after school. Budd is with Tasha of course. They are dating now, I hate it so much I hate how I love him I hate that I hate her. I should be happy for him and not jealous but I am sadly the opposite I want him for myself and I know I'm selfish because of it. I'm sorry for myself I'm looking up answers for my homework when I hear a knock on my door but it is not Budd.
The knock was a hard strong slam. It is the police they told me that my mom died at work from falling four stories. I'm on my own at twelve I deny foster home or living with my other reletives. I go in my room to cry and mourn. God wants me to suffer. I want to die. I don't want to live anymore broken heart broken spirit broken family broken life. I am broken and I want to die kill me please. I sob and cry and scream till my lungs give out. My eyes run out of tears and I fall asleep. I have no more good dreams, only nightmares only sadness I am done with my life I don't want to live. It's Thursday and Budd walks over and hugs me. "I heard about your mom, I'm so sorry Cid you can live with me if you want" he is still hugging me when Tasha wants him to hug her. He refuses and she breaks up with him. One shred of good news. Sometimes I remember my nightmares they are memories of the past they are like flashbacks to the stuff I don't want remember. Nobody cares about me. He doesn't listen to me anymore he never talks to me. I still love him. It's almost Halloween and I'm going as a demon, that is what I feel like right now is a demon. I just want to be with him. I don't want to cry anymore.