PHIL
For the rest of the day we were in each others lessons which was lucky. We just chatted a lot and got on really well. I instantly felt like I could open up to him trust him. He is one of my only friends though. If he sees how broken I am then he might get scared and run away. I don't want to ruin a friendship.
It's only him, Louise and Connor. Connor and Louise are the only ones who accepted me after I came out. And then they didn't run away when people turned their backs at me. They stayed with me and I could really trust them. I still do. But I haven't seen them in a while. And they don't come to my school so they can't protect me. God, I sound so weak.
I strip naked about to get in the shower. I walk over to the mirror, ready to "assess the damage".
I look terrible. I am bruised head to tow. Literally. I actually have bruise on my toe. My stomach is the worst it is yellow and grey with purple blotches. They were right. I am fucking ugly. And fat. You can see My stomach so visibly, I really am fat. I might just skip tea again. Everything they said was true.
I touched along my jaw line where it was purple and squinted my eyes. It felt so tender, it hurt so Much. Then there was my eye. It was swollen and black and dark blue.
I turned away from the Mirror. Don't want it to crack, do we. I got in the shower and let the hot water melt my body. At first it stung and hit my bruises hard but soon it started to sooth them and my muscles and joints relaxed and slowly I became less stiff and the dirt staining my skin from lying on the floor disappeared.
I lathered my self with fresh raspberry smelling body wash. And eventually got out the shower wrapping a towell loosely around my hip. Looking in the mirror, I looked slightly better. My skin was still like an ink stained sheet of paper but I looked more alive despite the bags under my eyes. Well at least I smelt good.
I got into my pyjamas and just went straight to bed. I was so exhausted. My head was pounding and my body ached. I know sleeping will just make it worse, not that I will get much sleep anyway. The nightmares will happen once again on repeat. Just a montage of my phobias and fears into one getting me worked up so I awoke at like 3 in the morning but I can barely keep my eyes open. I. Need. To. Stay. Awake. But it's too late. I am already drifting off to sleep.
To start with I think of Dan. My saviour. He cares. He is nice and wants to help. But my mind twists it. I know nothing in my nightmares is real but it feels like that and when I wake up I have a panick attack. I will wake up crying and screaming. Shaking and alone with major trust issues.
YOLO! let the world of horrors that is my mind overtake me. Ruin me. Control me. Ignore them-I can't Help yourself-I can't- wake up. I. Can't. wake up. Why should I. My life is a nightmare whether I am asleep or awake. !
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Dream (authors p.o.v)
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Phil's dream started off nice. He was sat talking to Dan in a club somewhere with Louise and Connor. He was laughing with a genuine smile. Something he hadn't experienced in ages.
Then these guys came over to talk to them. It was sawyer but dream world phil did nothing. He just at there as if the beatings never happened. And they actually got along. Sawyer and phil the best though.
They were chatting and sawyer and phil were getting so close. Then sawyer lent in for a kiss but missed and pulled phil into an arm lock dragging him up to the "room". It had nothing in it but darkness.
His "friends" dragged dan into the same room on opposite ends.
Then they all left and dan and phil were alone in the darkness. Did I forget to mention Phil was afraid I the dark.
