Blue Mirth

Shattered

Lost Boy - Ruth B.

PS: Try not to cry.

PPS: This isn't the end.

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John Kenneth

It's been four days since she's gone. I've tried to hold on, but sometimes I lie in bed and think that maybe I was too late. Again. I swallow the black coffee that's keeping me up. I have a Chemistry test tomorrow, which I haven't studied for at all. The Spring Dance is less than two weeks away, and I don't even know who I'm going with. Maybe I'll go by myself. Nobody wants to talk to me anymore, anyway. Ever since they stopped seeing her at school, everybody just thought she'd been expelled. They started to look at me weirdly, because I was the last person she was seen with that night. I think they assumed that I'd done something to her. I was glad they cared enough to pay attention to the fact that she hadn't been coming to school. I trusted her the most in that horrible place.

If she says nobody cares, nobody cares. Except me. I hope she saw that before the world stopped seeing her. Her world. Her small, beautiful world. Her colleagues were her world. Everybody she talked to became part of this world. Everything she listened to became part of her world. The music, the movies she watched, and all the people who told her to shut up, when all she wanted to do was smile and be so abundantly happy. Her friends became her world. Those friends, who had no idea about her whereabouts that night, or any night that she'd been through. Those friends, who didn't even think twice before pointing fingers at her, and accusing her, and threatening her, when they knew she was the only good and pure person among them. She loved her lying friends so much, it made her blind to all the toxic reciprocations.

Kylie was the biggest of them all. She lied to me about loving me, and she lied to her about being her friend. She was a good liar, I'll give her that. When I saw her after what happened, she didn't even shed a tear. Sure, she pretended to be sad, but I could see right through her. Jordan Vivian. Oh, the girl always hated Ivy. She didn't cry either. She didn't even look a little bit sad. At least she isn't lying. Savannah truly is an angel. She didn't stop crying until I told her I'd take her out for a Swiss Roll marathon. She still sniffled the whole way. I'd started to cry then, too. But I didn't cry out loud. It was hard, but I controlled myself from exploding. She saw it, and we both hugged each other and wept, till both our eyes were barren of water. I was grateful for the support. And a new friend.

The first night was the hardest for me. Even though the party had ended for us at ten, I'd come home at two in the morning. I was exhausted, but I still couldn't sleep. How could I, when I'd seen her like that? I'd lain in bed that night and tried not to sob. I'd cursed myself for not being there for her when she needed me. I'd prayed that she'd forgive me. The next day, everyone at school pretended that things were undisturbed. But I knew better. It took so much to be able to concentrate in class, and not think about her carefree giggles. It took all my will to not expect her at her locker, her back to the whole world, in her own little fairy-tale. I'd wondered what she kept in that metal cupboard of hers, that always kept her so occupied. It's a wonder everyone took two whole days to realise that The Girl with The Bad Reputation was nowhere in sight, when I couldn't even breathe properly ever since I left her.

I've seen Lucas around a little, and it takes everything in me to not walk up to him and knock him out. It was his fault too. He was the one who gave her too much to drink. He was the one who'd put those extra antidepressants in her. He's with Jordan Vivian. They truly deserve each other. Luke still has the audacity to smile. As if he wasn't the cause of all this. He came up to me on the first day, apparently concerned. Told me he was sorry if he'd done anything to aggravate the situation. I had to keep my fists clenched that time. "We'll be missing that black-clad girl, bro.", he'd said. I'd shrugged, and subtly shoved my way through the crowded hallway that very moment. I felt everything too deeply ever since. hearing Luke say that triggered something in me. It felt like everything attacked me.