The Girl And Her Thoughts

Please, For me

I never knew why I got to places, everything always seemed to move so fast that I never could ever slow down. I thought as the monitor beeped and my stomach rumbled with pain, how I got here. Obviously the answer would be I got here by the ambulance. But what drove me to this point? Was the ever longing sense of loneliness I could never shake? Or would it be because the one thing in the world I want most will never happen? Maybe, I thought, this is what I deserved. In a previous life I could imagine me being this terrible person who was selfish and self serving. Maybe I was paying for their sins. Or another thought, maybe in this world there are the few unlucky souls who dont deserve it but get it anyways because there has to be a balance in the chaotic universe. Maybe I was one of the few. This thought pattern however, never gave me what I wanted. Why did I choose to end my own life?

I was always a happy child, at least that's what everyone who knew me then told me. But how could I tell them the way I always felt was exactly opposite of happy. No not sadness, that was a temporary feeling but rather a deep pit of absence of all. Even as a child, I knew something was missing. More than just a loving home or friends, yes I lacked them, but I lacked something inside of me. I lacked the ability to feel complete joy I see others do all the time. Even things that made me happy, also brought me dread.

Still, I had this motivation to be better. To do better, better than my parents (especially my mother), better than my "friends", better than society it self. It gave me the power to push through anything. To get my high school diploma, despite being homeless. To go to college, despite my fear. To make better friends, despite the longing sense torture is what I deserved and my self destructive behavior. To not give hope on finding the one. The one everyone talks about having. The one who will be there for you. The one that I so desperately hoped to find. People said it was desperate, but I called it hope.

Now where am I? Drinking black shit because I so desperately wanted that water cup. Moreover; completely alone. The loneliness pulled at my heart more than any other sensation, including the guilt. Sure the nurses were nice, and the doctors were understanding. But I could feel their pity in their eyes. It made me feel so alone. I am so scared.

Everyone tells me I shouldn't bottle up my emotions, but who could I have told? Every time I tell someone I feel such a burden to everyone. They keep giving me the same look of pity and now self awareness to what they say and act. Each time it would hurt more.
Or even worse, they would use that as a way to hurt me more. They would trick me to trusting, only for it to be completely crumpled underneath the weight of hurt they caused. Trust was something now I barely give. I learned that mistake early one.

Was that why I was here? Because I didn't even trust myself with this dark secret I have? Or was it because I also want to help people, and I feel like compared to them my burden is nothing. I just wanted everyone happy, even if it costed mine.

The answer is unknown to me. All I know is I took some pills and my best friend found me. She called a teacher of ours and she called the campus police. I remember how foggy Every thing was. Like my body and time itself slowed down. Never did I feel like it, never did I feel so sleepy. But then I woke up quickly to myself hurling my guts out. Everything hurt. But what hurt the worst was her cries and please to me and maybe death himself. She didn't want me to die, she didn't want me to be taken away.

"You have so much potential." Her red tear soaked face remains in my memory along with her claim, haunts me. Not many have told me this growing up. When it was said, I never trusted her. She would say it now, but I knew my grandmother would also say the opposite. She never meant it.

But my friend, actually meant it and I could tell. She always told me I was beautiful and talented. And I never would refuse like I did to everyone else. She was always genuine, I trusted her. I decided, if I can't get better by my own motivation, I would do it for her.
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Yeah I know no one will read this so I'll leave it like that. I guess this could be the blog thing? Eh why not.