The fault in our stars - A letter to Augustus

Dear Augustus,

After your funeral I felt terrible. As hard as your pre-funeral was for me, the real deal was harder to get through. The only thing that still keeps me up is that I know, I will join you some day soon.

I still see your parents, not much, but I do. I remember the first time I went down to the basement, I wanted to look for the ending you told me you were going to write. Isaac told me that you may have written it on the computer. After I looked at your computer and found nothing, I just laid down in your bed, wrapped in your cover and just felt your smell in my nostrils.

I knew it was going to be hard to lose you, but this is beyond hard. I've never lost a person I love so much as I love you.

It's funny how life both give and take, don't you think so Gus? I mean we're born, we're suppose to get ourselves a life, and then out of nowhere it all just crashes somehow. There's you who died, there's Isaac who got blind, and there's me who can't breath by myself and just wait for the time to die. Either way we suffer, but also in all the suffer one always manage to find some comfort. Everyone find comfort in different things. I don't know about Isaac and what comforted him. But the one thing that comforted me, was you Gus.

Before I met you Gus, I just stayed home and waited to drop dead. I had nothing I felt I wanted to live for. It felt like I stayed alive for my parents and now that don't seem as a good enough excuse, not now when I know that they'll be find. I found out that mom is going to be a Patrick. Isn't that great Gus? She can help people who's hurting and because she is and going to be one of them, she may be able to help in another way, because haven't been sick, she have a daughter who's sick and is going to die, and that way she saw the illness in another way then me and even you. Don't you think that she'll be a great Patrick? I do think so.

After I met you I started to live. You showed me that there's no harm in enjoying life while you still have it. I think you stopped my depression because while I was with you I was happy, and I didn't think about death.

You Gus, made me feel like a teenager.

When we were in Amsterdam, we met Peter Van Houten. He was terrible. Now I know why. He came to your funeral, and after he broke into my car and refused to leave, I found out that he lost someone as well. He lost his daughter, and Anna is his daughter, they're so much alike. And that's another thing. To lose someone close can either break you, or make you stronger, but you're the one choosing between them.

I've started not to feel the pain from my cancer. I have something much more painful to think about now, and that's you Gus. As much as I love you, it hurts so much to think about you. And this is a ten, this is what hurts the most. I really don't understand how everyone can take for granted that physical pain is the worst pain, because it isn't, this is.

I tries to keep you away from me because I didn't want to hurt you, I'm a grenade that can explode any time, but as it turned out, you were my grenade and you exploded before me and I was left behind, not you. Maybe that was for the best. I haven't figured that out yet. I wanted you to live, but I also didn't want to leave you.

After you died I bought a pack of cigarets. I just star at them. I haven't even open the package yet. I just have it and whenever I see it, I remember our first meeting. I can clearly see how you sticks the killing stick between those soft and warm lips of yours, but you never lit it, because you refuse to give it the power to do its killing. I remember not knowing what you meant at first. But you were so smart Gus, so smart.

I took one of your shirts, don't tell your parents, but I did. It still smells like you, and whenever I wear it, it feels comforting but at the same time a slap in my face.

Gus to tell you the truth... It gets harder and harder for me to breath even with all the oxygen I get. Every time I take a breath it hurts in my chest. But I'm happy. I know that I'll meet you when the pain disappears.

I hope you're waiting for me. You better wait for me Gus otherwise I will be angry. But I know you wait for me because I know you love me. That's one thing you never let me forget, and I'm happy you didn't let me forget that, because that's good to know now when I don't have you around to tell me anymore.

I don't know how long I have left. I spend as much time I can with my parents, Isaac and Kaitlin. Isaac don't want me to die. He tells me that I'm the only like he have left of you Gus, and that the world will be even more empty without both of us. I wish I could tell him that I don't want to die. But those words can't come out of my mouth. I can't manage to say them. I want my pain to end, and we both know that that's the only way for the pain to go away.

I miss you so much Augustus Waters, and I can't wait to see your face again...

And here is where you are suppose to say Okay? And my answer is always going to be the same, since this word is our own little vow.

Okay.

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

I hope you liked this mini short story. I'm no good at this and this didn't turn out so well, but I hope you liked it a bit anyways :)

Please tell me what you thought :)

-Josephine xx