"Hanbin... It's late. What are you doing here?"
There goes the girl who has been the apple of my eyes for years and still hasn't change. I could smell myself and judging by the way she wrinkled her cute pointy nose, I could tell she could too. I felt my lips and my throat dry even when I've intake a lot more liquid than I could.
Even when I've drank to drown the pain away.
"Can't I visit you like this? We always see each other even late at nights." I slowly took the steps to reach her and even though I was staggering, I wished it was always this easy to get to her. "You love it even."
She crossed her arms and it was only now that I realized that she was barely decent. In no way would she let anyone see her like this. Pale white skin were only covered by that long black shirt and comfy shorts as if she was that fictional immortal in stories. Luscios lips as red and kissable as if she drank blood and it tainted her. Not to compare her with a cold hearted vampire or heartless monster but it seems like she'll live like this for a long time.
And I could love her forever like this.
She looks perfect now. Always have and always will. I could stand in front of her all day and stare at her all night but the ache in my chest never goes away no matter what I do.
I miss it so much. The way her eyes twinkle for me, the way her lips curve into a smile for me, the way her hand would always reach out for mine... They didn't disappear out of sight but it changed drastically. It changed with only a few letters yet it changed our lives ever since.
Those things that were for me became things that are for him.
"You should go home, Hanbin-ah."
She's pushing me away but with words that I've been used to hear a lot now, I could stay right here in her porch for however long it takes. I sound like a creepy stalker. I'm even disgusted for how I'm acting and what I'm like right now. I have everything a teenage boy wants in life but it's not enough.
It's never enough.
It's never enough to walk side by side with her in the streets knowing that he'll be holding her hand instead of me. It's never enough to look happy when I'm only acting because I know that she's happy now. It's never enough to only think of her as mine in my head when I know he's whispering those words to her sensitive ears.
It's never enough to only be her friend when I love her so much more than that yet her heart's been taken by someone else.
I kept thinking back of those times I should have paid more attention to her. Those times I should have run towards her instead of hesitating because of possibilities of losing her. Those times I should have held her hand and never let go. Those time I should have confessed I like her a lot instead of keeping it in.
I kept thinking of those times she would have been mine if only I actually tried.
My regrets piled up like multipile rocks enough to be considered as high mountains. My fear shadowing me almost every day enough to darken even the cleanest and lightest road. My chest almost falling apart with my heart pounding and cowering back with every thought of her.
I swallowed my pride, my hesitations and pitiful self. She stared at me with worried eyes. I was so close to her that she had to place both her hands on my shoulder to keep the distance.
"You're drunk. You need to get some sleep and rest."
How can I get sleep when you've been running in my mind, keeping me awake? How can I rest now when I've relentlessly followed you all these years? How can I stop and give up because you love someone else?
How can I do all of that when it's only been you for me all this time?
"Aren't we friends? Why don't you stay with me and make me sober like old times?"
"Hanbin..." She sighed and we gazed directly into each other's eyes. "That can't happen too much now. Bobby's protective and even if we're all friends... He won't like it."
I tried not to cry. I won't ask her anymore. She has decided with those words. She chose him over me. Over anything and everything else.
I won't cry. I did a lot of those already. I just try to memorize the way she looks tonight.
She's still beautiful.
I can't have her and it hurts.
"Okay. I get it."
I understood now but only for once...
I reached out and wrapped my arms around her. I didn't squeeze her hard and her arms didn't reciprocate. It hurts that it had to be this way.
"I'll leave after this. So just for now. Please..."
There was this awful silence yet I'd like to stay in it if I can. I'd let time be stopped. I'd let the two of us be stucked together like this.
I closed my eyes and started to imagine a clock ticking. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and settled myself with this unrequited love.
"For 10 seconds... Let me hug you just once for 10 seconds."
I can't be selfish with her. Even when she finally wrapped her arms around me, enveloping me in the warmth I longed for and wished to have for the rest of my life.
I didn't pull away to see her beautiful face. I succumb myself to her warmth. She won't be mine but I'd like to at least have this.
"Just hug me for now, Kim Jisoo."
