Breaking Ice

2.

" So wait," Liam whimpered with laughter that left him breathless. "You're telling me that you went to a sex party and you only remembered it after you felt your ass on fire?"

I knew I shouldn't have told him anything. He's always been an asshole, but he's been my asshole for the last year and well...sometimes you just get attached. The sky seemed brighter today, bluer—as if Bob Ross had personally painted positive vibes in the atmosphere. There were virtually no clouds, so the sun shone uninhibited, hurting my eyes. 

"Don't be mean, I think I ate some bad 'shrooms and that's why I'm suffering like this. Bad memory is the worst, don't you think? I've been kind of living in this black-hole of information for the last two years and frankly, I'm getting tired of it. The LSD makes me feel alive but is it worth it?"  I responded wincing at the glare bouncing off the hood of a car. Didn't I bring my shades? The brightness was getting annoying. Noticing my discomfort, Liam opened up his umbrella and placed it over my head. "Thanks," I rest my hand on his shoulder and watch the heat rise to his face.

I knew how he felt about me.

"No problem...so what else happened that night?"

"I can't remember, it's so strange. I just got up and walked out like it was nothing and I never heard from anyone there ever again. I seriously should get this checked out but how my bank account is set up..."

"Don't you think you should've, oh I don't know, call the hospital or the police? Maybe some of them had overdosed. And you'd have more than enough money in your bank account if you'd just stop couch hopping, using Airbnb and renting cheap motels and come live with me. Of course, I would never charge you."

There's more than one reason why I didn't take Liam up on his free rent offer. Mooching off rich friends has always gone strictly against my Pride Code. He clearly had more than enough for himself but it wasn't my place to take advantage of it. Besides, how else would I gain such useful real-world experience for my poetry if I don't get out and see the world, one couch at a time?

Besides, being with Liam would only make his feelings more pronounced and give me more opportunities to make really bad decisions. I'm a people's pleaser,  especially to those I already have an attachment too. Being around Liam 24/7 would only guarantee that at some point I'd allow him to crawl into my bed and have his way with me. And while I'm all for sexual exploration, toying with someone's emotions isn't right.

Then why do I constantly do it?

Because I'm the real asshole.

What more is there that I could offer him? If I didn't feed into him then this would be a completely unbalanced friendship where I receive a godawful amount of benefits and he gets nothing in return other than the smell of my farts buried deep within the cushions of his love seat. Twenty-two is the age of not having your shit together, isn't it? I'm allowed to be a complete mess in every sense of the phrase and still recognized as a young person bursting with untapped potential. Or so I hope.

Liam has always been a very direct person. I remember us meeting for the first time at Jerry's Subs down on Terrell Avenue. We locked eyes across the room and shared a brief grin, his caramel skin stood out amongst the eggshells that were scattered across the room. Taking the first step, he seemingly glided across the room and sat down on the chair next to me. Made some remark about the book I was reading but before giving me a chance to respond he said, "You are honestly the most handsome man I have ever met. I mean, my God."

Flattered, I quickly said thanks and made it very clear that I was not on that side of the fence.

"You don't have to be gay to have that one special person."