Me, Myself and Her

Prologue

I've almost always known who I was and who I liked. This was the one thing that I knew for sure, and I also knew that my parents would despise me for it. All they wanted was the perfect daughter. The typical kind that most parents hope to have, but only rarely ever receive. If you're confused about what I'm talking about, I can give you a short list. Extremely smart, absolutely gorgeous (or handsome), talented in everything, thin, athletic, and an all around master at everything on the first try. The biggest one of all, especially from my parents of me was to have the perfect daughter who would one day marry the perfect husband and have perfect children to create the perfect family.

Their first priority of me when I once asked them was not "be happy," but instead it was to "be great at what you do no matter what." Could that have meant you get to do whatever you want as long as you are good at it? Possibly, but knowing my parents far too well, they probably expect that I become a doctor or a lawyer. When I was young I told them I wanted to be a teacher and my father's response was "teachers don't make much money" and my mother's response was "you won't be happy if you do that, and remember that time you tried to teach the dog how to sit, and it died the next day?" Of course I remember that.

I remember most of the conversations that I have with my parents. They are both very successful and have high-paying jobs, so they don't really have much time for me. My father is a doctor and my mother is a nurse. I was often left home alone, even at the ages of 5 and 6 (which I looked up and learned that the youngest age that is recommended to let your child stay home alone is age 7 or 8). It gave me plenty of time to contemplate who I was and to figure out my identity. In fact, I knew who I was by the time I was 11 years old. I know it seems young, but that's just how it worked with me. I was my own best friend when I was really young, so I had to give myself the best advice and had to solve my own problems. Of course, until I met my actual best friend Ella when I was in 5th grade.

I remember the day I met Ella better than anything else. I remember how scared and nervous she seemed on the first day of school. She was the new girl after all, and I still don't blame her for the way she acted. She was very jittery and couldn't stop looking everywhere, probably taking in her new surroundings trying to memorize every little bit of the small schoolhouse that we went to.

There weren't many kids that went to that schoolhouse since we lived in a small village with very few children. In fact, most of the population in our village were elders and animals. I never really talked to anybody in our village except for Ella. When I first met her, I didn't recognize her as the new girl that had just moved in across the dirt road from my house. However, when we were in school together, I overanalyzed all of her features. At that age, she had beautiful, long brunette hair and mesmerizing blue-green eyes. I still remember all her features from whenever we first met.

As we got older and I started talking to her more, I also took many notes on her personality. I quickly noticed that she had a similar personality as mine: gloomy yet kind with a touch of "my parents expect too much of me." The major difference between her and I was the fact that she had an extreme obsession with boys, and I had never felt that way. The only obsession that I ever had with anybody was with Ella. From the moment I actually met her in that schoolhouse, I knew that I liked her, and it was a difficult realization for me.

Being best friends with someone isn't heart-wrenching and it shouldn't make you completely flutter, but being in love with someone is all of that and more, especially when you are around them or when you are thinking about them. To put it simply, I always felt nauseous around Ella because I liked her, so I always made excuses to not hang out with her.

I waited for the day that I would fall in love with some guy just so I could fulfill my parent's dream and be happy at the same time, but that never happened. The closest thing I got to "liking a guy" was when somebody at school invited me to a birthday party sleepover in 3rd grade and we were playing truth or dare, and I had to say who I liked so I just made up some guy's name and said it, when I really never even liked anybody at the time. Keeping this secret from my parents was difficult, but I knew telling them would be even worse, and possibly even get me kicked out of the house. I didn't want or need that.

In all honesty, I wasn't doing this for attention or to "get back" at my parents for never being there for me. I promised myself when I was younger that I would never do anything to hurt anybody on purpose, even if they deserved it. I try to live up to that promise every day. The only flaw within that, is that I never promised not to hurt myself or to keep myself happy. So now, in order for others around me to be happy, it may end up in being hurting myself or not going with my feelings. I already know that this is going to lead me to the problem that I have between my heart's desire for other girls and my homophobic parents. Long story short, it sometimes isn't horrible that I rarely see my parents.

On days that Ella and I are both at home, I go over to her house anymore. I know that it contradicts "avoiding her at all costs because I don't want her to find out that I like her and it's extremely difficult to hide," but she's my best friend and I still want to be around her. I'm hoping that one day she finds out that I like girls and she accepts me the way that I want her to. My best case scenario is that she tells me first that she likes girls, and then I could tell her and hopefully we would all be happy, but the likelihood of that happening around here is about zero to none. Besides, maybe it would be good for me if she just liked boys. It may help me get my head out of the clouds.

When I go to Ella's house, her parents are almost always home unless they are running late at work or they are having a date night. Unlike my parents, Ella's parents work at their friends' restaurant. Granted it's the only restaurant around, but it's still work for them and its enough money for them. They, at least, don't want a lot of money to get whatever they want for themselves. Her parents have welcomed me to stay here any time that I want to as long as they were home. They're super accepting of almost everything, and it's hard to believe that they live in the same universe as my parents do.

My next goal is to tell Ella that I'm gay. I know that this is going to be a difficult task, but I trust that she will still accept me for who I am. I think the worst thing that could happen would be that she says that "it's okay as long as you don't like me or something." I've heard of so many people getting told that by their friends and that's the last thing I want to happen with me, because Ella is my only friend and I don't really have anyone else to go to. The only thing I know for sure is that if I can't tell Ella, then I definitely will not be able to tell my parents. I don't even want to think about how they would react to it, so maybe not telling them would be the best option for me.

Telling Ella that I'm gay is going to be my goal for this year. If I get anything accomplished, I definitely want it to be that I tell Ella the one thing that I've been hiding for so long. Even though I'm in my senior year of school and I am almost an adult, it is still terrifying for me to tell my best friend for almost my entire life about the most obvious thing about me. I've thought about this situation for years now, and I've come up with so many bad endings to me telling her that I'm gay. I've come up with a few positive results as well, but there aren't nearly as many.

Last year when I thought I was going to tell Ella finally, I kept dropping hints at it. I kept asking her what her opinion was on girls who like other girls, and she said it didn't really matter to her. Getting that far was a huge accomplishment to me, and from then on I couldn't go any farther with it. It made me realize that maybe she won't hate me after all when I tell her, but it still worries me because that's all I ever seem to be good at. This year, however, I'm probably going to tell her in a note.

I know what you're thinking, a note seems ridiculous. Wouldn't it just be easier and sound sincerer if I just told her? What if she gives that note to my parents? Well, if that's what happens, that's what happens. At this point I don't really care if my parents find out. As long as Ella is still accepting of me, I can always go to her house and stay there if my parents kick me out. I'm not that worried about Ella accepting me, though. She's not religious and her parents aren't either. In fact, her mother is bisexual and her aunt is transgender, so she's definitely familiar with the LGBT community. I'm just worried for nothing, right? I guess only time can tell.

*A/N*

Okay so I have no idea why Wattpad decided to to whatever it just did, but I think I fixed it now. Sorry for the confusion! New chapter coming soon hopefully!