trust • jb

09.

It was 3am and I was laying in bed, my head filled with unwanted thoughts when I heard my bedroom door bursting open. Lifting my head up from the pillow I saw Justin. I thought he left? his flight is in two hours.
I was about to ask him what he wants but all I could do was stare, I don't know why.

"I know I told you I love you. And I know the feeling is not mutual. And I know that I'm leaving for over a year. And I know that you see me as your best friend and nothing more. And I know that everything is messy right now but I just can't leave without a proper goodbye" he said, leaning on the wall next to the door.

I looked at him, kind of speechless, I'm still overwhelmed with the situation, how could he keep the way he feels away from me all this time? How did I not see it? Am I blind?

"What do you mean 'a proper goodbye'?" I said looking at him studying his features. He cried. He most definitely cried. He walked slowly towards the bed I was currently sitting on, eventually sitting next to me. He took his phone out of his pocket along with a pair of headphones, just the simple ones. He plugged them into my ears and connected them to his phone, he unlocked it and I don't know what he did exactly but after a few seconds I heard a song, it's Justin's voice I'd recognize it anywhere.

"What is this?" I asked, taking the left headphone out of my ear, looking at him with a slight smile on my face. He mirrored the smile, taking the headphone from between my fingers and plugging it back into my ear. I took the hint and I listened. Throughout the whole song, he studied my expressions, and when it was over he took the headphones back and just looked at me.

"What do you think?" he asked throwing his phone aside, resting his face on his palm and his elbow on his knee, something he does when he truly pays attention.

"One of your bests" I said "It's beautiful" and I meant it, the words are amazing and the melody is beautiful, not to even mention his voice.

"It's called 'Mark My Words' and it's the first song on the purpose album" he said, looking at the ground, sadness in his eyes. What's going on with him?

"It's beautiful, Justin. I love it."

No comment. He just continued looking at the ground, not saying anything. "Are you okay?" I asked, putting one of my hands on his causing him to take it away almost immediately. I was about to say something when he interrupted me.

"I wrote it about you like a year ago by the way" he mumbled "Mia I love you with everything in me, and I really cannot se-"

"Stop Justin. It's useless. I already told you I don't feel the same way and you sitting here saying all those beautiful thin-"

"Let me finish" he said not even looking at me "typical you not letting me finish." he said finally looking into my eyes chuckling. "I love you. And as hard as it is for me to say, I think we should.." he trailed off.

"We should what?" I asked, I was so confused at this point I don't even know how I feel,

"I think we shouldn't keep being in touch when I'm away"

And that's when I felt my heart physically dropping, what does he mean shouldn't keep touch? Like not talking anymore? At all? I looked at him confused and I didn't know what to say.

"You don't have to say anything but I want you to know it's only because it's the only way I can move on peacefully, maybe date someone? I don't know. But what I do know is that as long as you're in my life I'm never getting over you." he said putting a strand of hair that was on my face behind my ear.

He grabbed my cheek as tears welled up in my eyes, "don't cry. Don't you dare. Not over me" he said rubbing my cheek with his thumb. He kissed me on my forehead after I nodded, silently agreeing not to cry, at least not in front of him.

He got up from my bed, which used to be ours until yesterday, walked towards the door and only when he reached it, looked back, he gave me a slight smile and I was about to say that he should lock the door and turn the lights off but he got ahead of me.

"I will" he said like he already heard me saying it, he closed the bedroom door, and that's when I lost it. I just couldn't bare the thought that he's not gonna be in my life from now on. He's gone. So I started crying, I cried for hours and hours and I don't even remember how or when I fell asleep but I did.

The next morning I woke up like I just had a nightmare. It was a Saturday morning, me and Justin used to go out for breakfast on Saturdays. Justin. I jumped out of bed looking at the living room, it was empty, and all tied up like a hotel room which made me sick in my stomach, not because it's clean but because it means he truly left. There's nothing left of his in here. Not his jacket hanging next to mine's on the hanger next to the door, not his t-shirts thrown on the ground at the corner next to the tv because that's where he always throws his shirts, not his shoes, nothing. Just a living room.

I was just staring at space when my phone rang and snapped me out of it, I walked back to my bedroom to take my phone. It's Hailey.

"Hey" I said after sliding my finger across the screen and putting it to my ear. Wait what time is it? "Hey, what you doing?" she asked while chewing something. " Nothing special" I said looking at the clock hanging above the tv in my room, 11am.

"Wanna hangout?"

"yeah sure what do you wanna do?" I asked walking into the bathroom, looking at the mirror realizing I look like shit. "I thought we could just go eat or something? What do you think?"

"What about driving out of town?" I asked hesitantly, "I'm down, where do you wanna go?" she said immediately, weird. Hailey's never down for anything like this.

"Boston? Not that there's anything to do there but like just walk around you know just seeing the actual sky for a change and not just buildings?" I said, getting myself excited about the trip myself.

"Isn't it like 5 hours drive?"

"Four, so what?"

Next thing I knew we're both in a rented car driving to Boston. We decided I'll drive for two hours, and she'll drive the rest, we were currently screaming the lyrics to Kendrick's songs since he's one of our favorites. And the drive went on and on we were both screaming at the top of our lungs just being happy, and for once in the past two years, I didn't feel Justin's absence.