In Between

Chapter 8 - The Letters

Eleanor read the first letter without a blink. She couldn't imagine growing up like that. Her mother was never an example, but her parents' marriage was not a lie. And Eleanor knew that, for most of the time, their parents had loved each other very much. More importantly, they never made their kids feel unloved and unwelcome, even with all the crazy rules that ruled their lives in the monarchy. Knowing this about Jasper could allow her to forgive some of Jasper's trust issues, and she knew she would be softer with him after this.

When she started the second letter she also started to cry without even noticing. Jasper's words hurt her more than she expected.

"Dear Eleanor, I miss you so much!

I want to tell you more about me, and it could seem that I'm trying to make a victim of myself, but this was my life until I meet you, and trust me, it was not a good life back then.

I was about seven and came home from school, as I enter the house I noticed a cake on the table. I knew that it was not anyone's birthday so something good must have happened. My mother entered the room and informed me that today she and my father were celebrating their anniversary so they wanted the house to themselves. As if it was the most natural thing in the world she gave me five dollars and ordered me to leave and not to come back until midnight or so.

That night I walked around the city for hours until I ended up falling asleep at my front door because I was afraid that I was coming home too early. How could a mother let a son sleep on the street and not even check if he got home when he was supposed to you may ask, well that was my mother. In the morning I woke up on the street and went home to take my breakfast. They were still asleep and guess what, the rest of the cake was in the trash because apparently, I didn't deserve to eat a piece. That day I went to school with an empty stomach and a pain in my chest that took me years to realize that was the feeling of rejection.

You were the first person that I allowed to see the true Jasper, the broke and insecure Jasper that is used to being rejected and used by everyone.

You were the one that for the first time in many, many years made me feel wanted and I can not thank you enough for that. And that is also why I love you so much and why every day I spend away from you, had made me relive all the insecurities that have haunted me for so long.

I love you and I hope you don't give up on me!

Jasper Frost"

Eleanor cleaned the tears that she didn't notice she had wept and tried to picture a little Jasper curled up on some shady stairs, sleeping in the street. Who would do this to a son was a question that she didn't know the answer to, but knowing this made her fall in love with Jasper all over again. This boy that was so mistreated in his childhood had grown up to become the most kind-hearted man that she knew.

Laying on her back she faced her room's ceiling and tried to decide if she should run to comfort Jasper or if she should run away for good. Her brother's words could not let her be. Did she come here to fix her brother or to fix herself?

She suddenly got up and left the room. The tunnels always were her favorite spot in the palace, she usually hid there to think, to cry, to get high and lately to meet Jasper. Somehow she felt closer to him there because as much as she wanted to hug him after she read his letters, she knew she was not sure about how she would handle being around him so she thought it was better to be alone for now.

But a few minutes after she entered the tunnels she heard steps behind her and without turning around she already knew that it was him, without facing him she knew Jasper was two steps behind her, his determined and almost unheard walk couldn't fool her. She could recognize it everywhere.

"Len? Is everything ok?"

She nodded and tried to gain time to pull herself together before she faced him. Without turning she said: "Yes Jasper! Why wouldn't be?"

"Because you are alone in here and you usually come here to hide from the world."

"Wrong! I usually come here to be alone, but that seems pretty difficult right now!" Once again her tone made her regret her words, but she couldn't control it.

He placed his hand gently on her arm and could feel her shiver lightly. Without giving him time to talk she added: "I read your letters."

He felt his heart racing and turned her so he could face her. That's when he could see she had been crying. He knew her so well that he noticed the small shake of her hand and the cadence of her breath that was still altered and it totally broke him knowing that he was the one to blame for that.

Once again, before he could say anything, she spoke: "I'm sorry that you had such a screwed up childhood, it really breaks my heart knowing that you had to leave like that, but I still don't get why you don't trust me. I know you wrote that to justify yourself but..."

"Len," he cut her off. "That was not why I wrote those letters. I wrote them because I wanted you to really know me, not to justify my damn insecurities and way of living, before I meet you."

"Jasper, as screwed up as my family and this monarchy stuff is, I never felt unwanted or unwelcome. I felt they didn't understand me, I felt unfit, but never not loved like you did. Most of the stuff that I put up, were silent screams for attention in a family where I had no designated role to represent, but never did I feel that they didn't love me like your family made you feel."

As she spoke her tears started to fall again. He hugged her because he had too. He was the one responsible for those tears and he would beat himself up forever to cause so much pain to this amazing woman. As he tightened the hug he could feel her body relaxing, slowly he felt her settle down and lay her head on his chest. Feeling her so close to him made him relax too. He could not believe that he had her in his arms again. He would give his arm to kiss her right now, but he could not do that. He had to give her all the time she needed to let him be a part of her life again, to trust him again. For now he would be happy with this hug, with cleaning her tears and saying thank you for caring. Thank you for allowing me to tell you my story and most of all thank you for being you.

As he whispered his thank you's in her ear she enjoyed the comfort of his hug, the healing of his touch and the sweet taste of his words that made her feel herself again. As much as she was feeling comfortable since she started working on the amazing Sebastian project, just now she realized that what it really meant to be comfortable and good and herself again, was this hug and this feeling of being home that only Jasper could make her feel.