I Will Love You All My Life

-Kier P.O.V-

We were close, as to be expected as we all grew up together; you, me, Shane and Drew. Even when Luke joined our little group we were all still close as could be. Were close. Not so much anymore and I'm sorry for the fact that we've drifted apart but I hate you. I hate you Laurence Beveridge. Oh no it's not your fault. Well, it kind of is, it's because of you... Because of every little thing you do. It's slowly driving me crazy because I don't want to hate you even though I have to, the alternative is far more maddening, for me anyway. So I'll keep watching from afar semi-regretting, semi-grateful of my decision to keep you at a distance as a means to protect my heart. I still keep you close enough that you're none the wiser though or else you'd start asking me questions and I'd break. I could never lie to you even as we are now. I suppose it's less that I hate you and more that I hate the situation I'm in in relation to you.

Whenever you put yourself down I was always the first to correct you, show you how wrong you were whether it was about your singing, your image, your guitar playing, anything and I still am. I could never let you feel bad about yourself. You're perfect. Thankfully these moments don't happen so much anymore however the odd bit of self-doubt still hits you and I'll work you through it. The band has helped a lot, the fans especially. I've seen the way you try to hide the small smile that tugs across your lips at their kind words sent to you and I know that no matter how much you ever deny it their words always pick you up and mean so much to you. You've gotten so much happier since we started it and I'm happy for you, I really am. I just wish that it had been me to make you feel like that. I wouldn't change how you are now though, I love the confident, sassy Bevers that you've become. It's a welcome change to the quiet, insecure one I used to know but either way I love you.

Yes. That's right. I love you Laurence Beveridge. I love you with all my heart and I have done for a long time now. I could never tell you that of course, you don't feel the same way so it would just make things worse between us. I know you don't. You told me yourself. I mean sure whenever we fooled around we knew it was nothing serious it was just fun and that's how that always stayed but you probably don't remember it as you were quite drunk and I was though nowhere near as badly as you, but we had sex and afterwards you said that it would never be anything more than that as you loved me but not in that way. It broke my heart Laur and I suppose I should be grateful that you don't remember it. That's why I hate you though, it's easier than accepting the inevitable pain I would, and still do to an extent, suffer as a result. I really am sorry.

You're the reason I'm envious of the Timids too. They might like to think their relationship is secret but let's face it we know them too well after all this time being together, hell even Luke has noticed and he's only been with us for a short while in comparison. I'm happy for them, I really and truly am, with all my heart but I want that. I want what they have and I want it with you Laurence. Even though I know it won't ever happen it's still what I dream of and I hold the tiniest bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, one day we could share what they have. I know that I'm just deluding myself really but you have no idea how fucked up I would be if I didn't hold onto that...

You all think I'm fine, don't you? That there's nothing wrong, I'm happy and everything is going right but that's not the case and if I'm being honest I'm barely holding myself together anymore. There's a difference between being okay and being able to pass off as okay and I really wish that I didn't know that. You always read in love stories about someone being able to see that sadness in anothers eyes but I've had that there for years and you've never noticed, none of you, so it's obviously not as simple as that. I'm like a package really, sealed up, contents out of sight. A few hints at what may be inside but the only way to truly know is to open it up but I won't open up. Not for anyone and certainly not for you, I'm damaged enough as it is already I don't need my last bit of strength to be destroyed too.

You've come into your own since we've started to get noticed on a larger scale. I still wouldn't say we're big but enough people know who we are that we don't have to worry about practically empty rooms when we go on tour and it's nice to be able to get to know the fans better anyway which we certainly couldn't do if we were more well known. I on the other hand have become a wreck. Sure anyone would think that I'm confident, that I'm cheerful but no not underneath it all as I've already pointed out. The thing is is that I'm not really sure how much longer I can keep this up. It's taking much more of a toal on me than I would like to admit and it's becoming quite a problem.

Whenever we play now we still get close, still do our thing and I both love and hate it, like you. I love the fact we get to be close, more intimate than usual but I hate how it just serves as a reminder of what it is I want but can never achieve. My love for you is a burden but I'll still love you, now and always even if you can't be mine. I'd still do anything for you, whatever you ask of me I'll do no matter if I end up suffering more in the process. I just need to be near you, to have you gone from my life would be too much for me to bear. I love to hear your voice, whether it's just mindless rambling, a meaningful conversation or your singing. Though, I do in fact, I think, prefer to hear your singing. It's beautiful and far better than mine and I still struggle to find a reason you should ever be adled with self-doubt about it. I love to see you smile too, not that smirk you have when pulling off a master plan or successfully playing a prank or winding up the Timids, no the one you get when you're genuienly completely happy with nothing making you feel down at all. Honesty I would do whatever I could to see you make that smile, all the time if possible, and that is what will be the end of me. I'm sure of it. I love you too much Laurence Beveridge. So much that it hurts me...

But I wouldn't change that for the world.

So I hope this is okay, it's actually the first fic I've completed because I've forced myself to leave it as a oneshot. Sorry if it's a bit short! I got inspired to write this when I heard NW5 in our college rehearsals for Our House. I may edit it to make it longer possibly but for now I just want to know what you think about it so please tell me? Thank you for reading it ^^

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- V xx