Hey you wont leave me will ya cos I don't think I could go though having another one of my best friends leave me cos the last one took it out of me but the worst was sam I didn't think I was worth anything that I was the worst friend anyone could have and the school kicked in and took any bit of Confidence I had left in me out of me I wasn't a person I was a thing that had no meaning that didn't have a purpose. I know am deep sometimes but that's just the was I am and I can't help that. I know that I'm all happy and bubbly most of the time but when you have a wall up for so long it's hard to just take it down. I get people have been thought hard shit then me but the amount of times I've just wanted to Throw myself of a bridge or just wait in the middle of the road a little longer so the car can just hit me then my family comes to mind and I just don't know what I would do without them and I know it's not been long but I honestly see you as family cos you've been there for me even though am a pain in the bum and a bit crazy but I'm just starting to feel like myself again and I don't want to ever lose this friendship.
Control them that try to harm me but it's not that simple cos how do you make something go if it's the reason you can't.
These demons that consume me are all in my head no wonder no one wants me maybe that's why I fantasise about having a wedding cos deep down i know it won't happen and nobody's cared for so long that I've just stopped waiting and become the nothing i already am. Mum thinks am happier well let her keep thinking that. I don't know how to control it anymore writing down helps but all I want to do is just scream, punch and cry all the time I don't want to be here anymore i don't want to be apart of this world who would Want to be all it's full of is pain
There no amount of music that can drown out these thoughts spoke to Stacy about it last night she was the one who said to listen to music and it helped for a little while till I could fall asleep. I try to district myself as much a I can cos I know if I stop the voice will come back I hurt myself for the first time last night after I got off the phone Stacy say I should have to feel like this and I agree. I agree that no 16 or 17 year old female or male should have to feel this pain to wake up and not want to live anymore cos to be honest I've felt like this for awhile but I've only just started to open up to people about it.
