Four
“I know what you’re thinking. ‘Why does Cody Jacobson the star baseball player cut himself?’ Am I right? Well, I’ll tell you why if you promise to tell me why. It’ll be like a kiss for a secret, but instead it will just be a secret for a secret.” He throws his shirt back on, and continues with the eye contact thing. It makes me really uncomfortable to talk about my feelings. Especially with someone I have only talked to a few times. I would love to know why he does it, but honestly I don’t care. His self-harm isn’t any of my business, and mine is none of his. My gut tells me that maybe I should open up to him. Maybe, this is God’s answer to my prayer. Someone who can relate to me, and actually lives near me so I don’t feel lonely in my own school.
I start to wonder why it all happened, and how I became the way I did…
“Honey, have a good first day of high school.” My mother said to me as I stepped out of the car, in my high waisted jeans and black crop top. I stood in front of the door trying to take everything in. I couldn’t believe I was already starting high school. My life was slipping out from underneath me. As I walked into the building, I hear my name being shouted from all different directions. My friends began surrounding me, and covering me with hugs. I feel lost until I suddenly spot my two absolute best friends, Claire and Madison. I walk up to them and greet them with hugs, when Madison says to me, “Have you put on some weight? Your chub is peeking out at everyone from beneath that crop top.” That comment was like a slap in the face.
Three days later, and Claire dropped the news she was moving in a couple of days. Her mom was going to stay back and try to sell the house while she and her father were moving to Texas. After she had told me that, I had become withdrawn, not so withdrawn I didn’t have friends. I still had all the friend’s I had before, but I just didn’t hang out with them as much. Claire and I were literally together all the time. That’s when the rumors started about us having a sexual relationship. It started because we were at her going away party. We had been playing truth or dare and Madison dared me to kiss Claire. Since we were close friends, it didn’t bother us. After Claire left, that’s when Madison told everyone I was a lesbian.
“I never really understood why everyone just didn’t like you anymore. I remember freshmen year, and I thought you were so beautiful. I even told one of my buddies about my crush on you, and he told me all these nasty rumors about you. He was telling me things like you were a lesbian who drank too much, and how you had slept with all these seniors so people would stop calling you dyke. I didn’t really believe it, because you didn’t carry yourself like you were that way.” I knew about these rumors, and hearing someone repeat them hurt. I had to listen to them just about every day my freshman and sophomore year. When I was a junior, things didn’t get better but they didn’t get worse either. Everyone just simply pretended I didn’t exist. There were no more rumors, or nasty comments about me. No one even felt like I was worth their precious breath.
“Yeah, and after all those comments is kind of when I turned to bad things for help. I didn’t do any drugs or drink alcohol. Instead I became anorexic, and began to self-harm.” It was really hard to tell someone that and by this time I was already in tears. He had been the only person I had ever opened up to besides Claire, and I didn’t even know why I was telling him this. It’s not like he’s going to be my friends in a few days. He’s going to forget about me, like everyone else.
“I kinda figured you were anorexic, because you lost all this weight so fast. I didn’t know you self-harmed. Last night, when I texted you I was having a really bad night and I wanted someone who would understand. Honestly, I think you can understand me more than I thought you could.” He then begins telling me his story about why he does it. How his dad is an alcoholic, who beats him and only cares about his work. His mom is crazy and forces him to play baseball like her brother who died when she was seven. His mom is in a mental hospital now, but by the sounds of it he still feels guilted into playing baseball. He tells me it’s sort of his escape. He started off hating it, but once his dad became more abusive he began to realize baseball was his excuse to get out of the house. He also told him why he had gotten kicked out for the night. His dad said he was going to cut off funding for his moms hospital bills, and file a divorce because he couldn’t be married to a crazy person. Cody stood up for his mom, which caused his dad to blow up and kick him out.
We continue to just talk, and tell each other about ourselves. It was 2am and our conversation wasn’t so serious anymore. We were telling each other our favorite books, and movies, and songs, and actors and singers. We quoted famous movie lines back and forth and would occasionally burst into random fits of song. We had intellectual conversations about books we had read and which ones we liked the most. His favorite book was anything by Stephen King, while mine was Go Ask Alice. Finally we both decided we were tired, but instead of one of us moving to the couch we just laid down and went right to sleep.
“Dylan. Wake up.” I hear Cody’s muffled voice. I think he’s trying to be quiet but it wasn’t working. I began to open my eyes slowly, and stretched, but then my hand made contact with something or rather someone. “Watch where you’re stretching. We have to go to school though. It starts in 20 minutes.
I feel wide awake at that comment. I run into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I skip the makeup step because all I can hear in my head is mom’s voice bitching at me for being late. I run into my closet, and Cody goes into my bathroom. I pull out a skater skirt that’s pink, and a black t-shirt. I throw on a bracelet, and shoot down the stairs. Cody following me, while hysterically laughing. Why was he laughing? I grab my backpack in books and run out to my car. I roll down my window when I notice Cody isn’t even in his car yet, and he’s behind me. “Cody. Hurry up. Get in your car, and let’s go. My mom is going to kill me if I am late.” He smirks at me, and takes his sweet time getting into his car. This flusters me further. I anxiously tap my foot against the gas pedal as I wait for him to finally back out of drive way and head towards the school. I do the same.
We had made it to school just in time for homeroom. Thankfully, I wasn’t late. The morning went by super-fast, and every single period felt like it was five minutes long. Actually, all day went by really fast. It was as God was sprinting on the clock. When 8th hour rolled around, it was just Cody and I again. “It’s weird that I’m in this class, isn’t it?”
“No, I don’t think so. Why are you in this class anyways?” I smiled at him as I asked this question. I thought it was really cool a guy wasn’t afraid to be in a fashion-design class. \
“Well, when I’m not playing baseball, I’ve been designing clothes. Like super sick skater clothes.” You could literally see the excitement pouring out of him. It was genuinely nice to have someone to make conversation with, and also someone who cared.
