His name was...

I've only ever been in love once and I don't speak of it much to anyone. Most people think we just had a 'thing' and that was it, so I nod and smile on the inside at their lack of understanding of what we had.

back then I was a wild child who enjoyed loudness and big crowds of fun, I befriended anything with a pulse. When I first saw him he was lagging behind an administrative officer walking into our class and I immediately tried to talk to him.

I laugh now but back then when he just stared at me and said nothing I was hurt and embarrassed. I avoided him at all cost after that. I kept an eye on him from afar and always noticed he kept to himself, always doing his work and going straight home when school was over.

Months later when my friends mocked me for listening to Fleetwood Mac he came up to me after class and said, "Those people aren't your real friends. Whats it going to take for you to notice that?" and then he walked away.

We became close friends shortly after. It was odd because our personalities were the complete opposite of each other but we made it work nonetheless. He was intelligent, had As in every subject and was placed in college math classes and I strived to do better in my own classes.

I knew I would fall in love with him when I awkwardly invited him over to my old neighborhood, and he actually came. I led him to a dried up lake and he told me things he would never to others. They were random things, small things like how mustard should be illegal and Thomas Edison was an asshole.

I held on to those small things like gold.

He kissed me for the first time at that lake. He leaned in and I closed my eyes and waited and waited but it never came. I remember I opened my eyes and he was grinning at me and then laughed, I remember his laugh was soft like cotton.

Then he kissed me for real.

I was so much in love with him, and I didn't even know what love felt like and neither did he. He was a sad soul and it was always hard to get through to him but it never faltered the love I had for him.

afterward, when we were no longer together, I found myself searching for him in others.

whenever I thought of how much I loved him I would kiss his knuckles or his shoulders, just to let him know, and he would reciprocate the act and whisper it in my ear. I always told him he was the most beautiful person I ever laid eyes on and he always just shook his head at me.

In the background of my life, my relationship with my friends was deteriorating day by day and I felt relief. I became more relaxed and calmer. I was no longer ashamed or embarrassed to talk about how much I loved to read and listen to old music. He taught me how to be myself, love myself. He taught me how to be okay in my own company.

He was right about everything he ever said. About my friends. About how I wouldn't be the same person I was then like I always thought I would be. He gave me perspective on things I would never have come up with on my own and I loved him for that. He was magical like that.

He was my first everything. I never felt the need put our relationship out there. we didn't need proof or approval from anyone and I think that's how love should be.

His name was...

Well, it doesn't matter what his name was because he was and always will be more than just a name.

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