Dreamcatchers

Part 9

I made it all the way home without crying, but as soon as I locked my apartment door and made it to my bedroom I collapsed into a puddle of my own tears.
Leaving Matthew was probably the hardest thing I've done since surviving the first few weeks after my mom died.  When he told me that he didn't think he was good enough for me, my heart broke.  Of course he was good enough for me.  He was perfect for me, but there wasn't any way for me to convince him of that.  I had to let him figure it out for himself.
The next morning, after I'd spent the night screaming myself awake from visions of my mother's dead body and Matthew being kidnapped as a child, I called the IDEAS human resources department.  Since I was the only person in the dreamcatcher waste department, the head of human resources was my direct supervisor.  The phone call began by the HR head giving me an earful about proper employee behavior and that it was my fault the information about Dominic Cross and Matthew Connors had been seized by the police.  They didn't seem to care too much that Dominic Cross was a suspected kidnapper.
After the lecture and the standard discussion on how I would have to be reevaluated to determine my value to the company, I said, "Thank you, Mrs. Jenkins, for your candor, however, I called you today for one reason.  I am resigning, effective immediately.  I am no longer able to continue to data dumps for the dreamcatchers.  You will have to hire someone else.  Please place my last check in the mail.  Thank you."
I hung up the phone without waiting for Mrs. Jenkins to respond.  I was pleased with my boldness.  What I had said to Matthew was true.  I had finally begun living since meeting him.  His broken pieces had started healing mine.  What I didn't understand was how he couldn't see that we were perfect for each other.  Regardless, he was out of my life now.  I had spent my entire life without Matthew Connors and I was sure that I could get through the rest of it without him in it just fine.
After quitting IDEAS, I needed a new job, but I also wanted a new career path.  For the first time in my life, I wanted to work with people.  Children, specifically.  I began to talk to universities to find out what was going to be necessary for me to become a school psychologist.  I already had a doctorate degree in psychology, but I needed a couple semester's worth of classes designed specifically for school psychology and counseling.  Then I would need to be licensed by the state of Illinois to officially begin my new career as a school counselor.
Over the next few weeks, I applied and was accepted into my desired program at Northwestern University for the summer semester and had begun a new job at the university as an adjunct professor of psychology for undergraduate students.  As a professor, I would have reduced tuition, which was perfect since I was still paying off my Harvard student loans.  I was happy to have settled into something so soon after quitting IDEAS.  I had always loved what the company stood for, but after working there and seeing the dreamcatchers, I just wasn't able to continue on there.  Hopefully, I would enjoy teaching and find joy in my new career path.
It was the middle of April, shortly after my twenty-sixth birthday, when I received a phone call. "I'm looking for Jaylyn Miles?" A familiar voice inquired.
"This is she," I replied.  "What can I do for you?"
"Ms. Miles, this is Officer Jacobs from the St. Charles police.  I spoke with you and Matthew Connors about his kidnapping and Dominic Cross in February."
"Yes, Officer Jacobs, I remember.  Again, what can I do for you.  I am rather busy today."
"I will be brief.  I learned that you and Mr. Connors are no longer in contact, but I thought you would like to know that Dominic Cross's trial for the kidnapping of Mr. Connors will be held this Wednesday.  It will begin at ten in the morning."
"Yes, sir, I am aware of the situation.  I have been asked to attend in the event that I am needed to testify."
"Okay, then, Ms. Miles, I just wanted to make sure you had the information."
"Thank you, Officer, I appreciate it." I hung up the phone and tried to rub away the headache that was forming.
I had put off thinking about the trial for as long as I could.  In three days time I would see Matthew again.  I wanted to be there to support him, I really did.  I knew that this could either be the best or worst day of his life, but I wasn't prepared for how seeing him would make me feel.  I had finally gotten to a place where thoughts of him didn't feel like I was being stabbed in the heart with a sword on fire.  Thoughts of him had finally receded to the feeling of a non-fiery sword piercing my heart.  Seeing him would most likely bring back the fire.
But I had no choice.  The prosecution attorneys had asked that I attend the trial in the event that I would need to testify.  And I would have shown up for Matthew anyway.  We started this investigation together and I wanted to see it through.  I also wouldn't have left Matthew alone on a day like today.  He had his family, of course, but they hadn't experienced the trauma like I had.  I knew what the kidnapping had done to him inside his soul.  It had torn him apart and made him feel like he was worthless and incapable of deserving love.
I wanted to smack the dummy for thinking that way about himself.
When Wednesday arrived, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach chasing each other.  I was so nervous for this trial.  I was in no way prepared for how seeing Matthew would make me feel and I was even less prepared for the possibility of Dominic Cross not being convicted.  I would testify on that stand if they needed me to, but if I did, I only hoped it wouldn't derail the prosecution's case.
I snuck into the back of the courtroom just as the trial was starting.  I didn't want Matthew to see me before the trial began.  He needed to focus on his testimony and his role with the prosecution.  I rose with the rest of the spectators when the judge was announced and took a deep breath as the trial began.  The prosecution and defense presented their opening statements.  The defense painted Dominic Cross as a troubled, yet upstanding citizen who was trying to get his life back together.  He had never been convicted of more than a DUI, so why would Mr. Cross be a kidnapper?  The prosecution, on the other hand, portrayed Cross as a monster, because only a monster would kidnap and hold a child for over two years.
The prosecution presented their witnesses first.  Police officers from California and family members of Matthew Connors came to Chicago for the trial and to present the little information they had about the kidnapping at that time period.  Officer Jacobs and Frank the sketch artist discussed mine and Matthew's presentation of information to them in February as well as the investigation and arrest of Dominic Cross.  Psychologists and IDEAS employees were brought in to explain how damning the dream evidence was.
Then it was Matthew's turn.  The prosecution knew they could present all of the information they complied and have expert testimonies, but that only an eyewitness statement from the man who had experienced the kidnapping would give the jury an emotional connection to the case.  They had to look at facts, but what greater facts were there than the eyewitness testimony of Matthew Connors.  He took the stand, was sworn in, and faced his attorney.  "Mr. Connors, can you explain to us the kidnapping in your own words?"
Matthew took a deep breath and launched into an emotional explanation of the chase through the forest, the isolation and chaining in the basement, and his escape.  When prompted, he briefly detailed the difficulty reintegrating back into society after the kidnapping and how it affected his life even today.  "I am broken," he said.  "I push people away because I don't I can be the person they need in their lives.  I have coworkers, not friends.  I have flings, not relationships.  This man took away my ability to trust in myself and others.  Not only do I fear that my entire life has been a dream and I will one day wake up back in that basement a scared child, but I fear that I have lost the best things in life."
He found me during the last part of that speech.  I think he had avoided looking for me during the majority of his testimony, but when he did, I could see the tears that were in his eyes and the regret on his face.  They say that eyes are the windows to the soul, and I could see his.  I could see the fear, pain, regret, sadness, and love in those beautiful sea blue eyes of his.  I forgave him in that moment.  I think I already had.  I knew what he was going through and what made him say those things to me in February.  But he needed to come to me when he was ready.  If he was ever ready.  There was nothing I wanted more than to be in love with him and in his life forever, but until he was ready for me, I had to keep living my life without Matthew Connors.
A few hours later, after defense testimony and jury deliberation, Dominic Cross was found guilty of the kidnapping if Matthew Connors and sentences to life in prison.  He would no longer be an ominous cloud of what-ifs hanging over Matthew's head.  Matthew could find closure.
If only I could do the same.