stars.
I remember laying outside with my friends and siblings when I was little, way past my bedtime, and marveling up at the sky, my world melted away into happiness, and I swear I could see that we were spinning.
Now I'm fourteen years old, and the only glimpse of the sky I get is the short walk home from school. The walk is unpleasant and wet, my lungs get irritated, I often return home with a cold. However if I'm being honest I enjoy the somewhat bit of solitude. You are not at your house, you are not at school, you are simply walking. An aspect of me craved that.
I am not a pleasant child by any means; I am a complete bitch.
I desire to put off a nice girl persona, to please everyone, but pleasing everyone under the sun is simply an impossible task. It makes me frustrated that the only privacy I get is within my own thoughts, for a girl like me that can be dangerous. I don't particularly understand why I have such a death wish.
dreams.
I never remember my dreams, my nights are boring. I come home, go upstairs to my attic room, and cry. Sometimes I end up screaming crying. I'm sorry. I really fucking am. I try my fucking best, what more do people want?
People want drugs, money and sex.
right? wrong.
We all have our desires and wishes. For some it is to please others, by getting recognition we feel as though we aren't failing you. I will do anything to please the people I love.
love.
"i have loved more deeply than you will ever know."
"and so, the lion fell in love with the lamb...
what a sick masochistic lion...
and what a stupid lamb..."
some of my few favorite love quotes. i don't know, love for me is a constant struggles, i've just been hurt too many times. i hope it's not too late for me.
i dont know if i love him, but he's so perfect. i'm even lucky i got to be with him for the short time i did.
he was my best friend, and he knew my darkest secrets, my biggest hopes and dreams...
woah.
i'll be alone, for a long time
depression.
i feel myself slipping back into this disgusting man eating hole of suicidal thoughts and sadness.
and i don't really give a fuck, why should i? isn't it okay to be sad? besides,
no one else gives a fuck.
it's just too late for me and my mind, not in the way that i want to kill myself, just in the fact that i'm okay with being depressed, it's almost comforting to be so sad.
i wasn't so sad when i was with my boyfriend, but my trust issues are so fucking bad since what happened to me that i got insecure and scared of him being unhappy when he was standoffish.
maybe he just needed space, did i have to break up with him?
maybe i did.
maybe slipping back into this depression was for the best. i think it was.
my friend told me i sound crazy...
well, maybe he's right. and if so then even more of reason to isolate myself from everyone.
s t a r s
I wish there were more starry nights where I live. I have no fucking idea what this is, but I'm done writing it. thanks. part two of my shitty life soon.
