If Only || Gyuhao

16 hours.

16 hours.

That was all it took.

I thought that my whole world was complete with you.

I thought that our connection was actually real.

I was so stupid.

But,

I was happy with you.
So damn happy.

But that shear bliss all came crashing down in 16 hours.

That's all it took for you to ruin my life.

That one word and a few actions.

That's all it took to drive me into
a hellish state of depression and paranoia

But why the hell

do I still think that you meant it.

"I love you"

It seemed so heartfelt.

But it wasn't.

It couldn't have been.

During the next few days after those 16 hours.

You tried to convince me that those
3 words were the truth.

I didn't believe you.

I don't believe you.

I don't think I do.

If I had a penny for everytime you said sorry, I'd probably be living in a grand palace, away from you.

I'd try to buy happiness.

I'd try to run away from my problems and forget you.

But even if I had all the wealth in the world,

Why do I know that I'd never be able to forget you?

Why do I remember how warm you felt when we hugged eachother the day we started our relationship?

Why do I still remember your nervous expression when you confessed?

Why can I still recall the ethereal smile on your face when I accepted your feelings?

Why do I still feel so warm and safe at the thought of you?

I don't want to.

I don't want to remember the good times nor bad.

Because every memory of you,

now feels like a stab in my heart.

Unable to stop aching for you again.

Why does it feel like I still love you?

Even though I can't.

I can't love the heartless beast that tore me apart and turned my mental state into a living hell.

I can't love the monster that almost threw me off the edge of life and forced me to climb back up.

Pretending I was ok.

Pretending that I knew that I'd meet someone better.

Pretending I don't love you.

Since we parted,

My life has been filled with nothing but fake smiles.

If Only.