Seldom Beginning

The Beat Of My Heart

It's around 9:30 a.m. give or take, and I've been up since the day before. "Get ready to go" my mom said to me angrily. It's funny to me because she never really talked to me even from the beginning. I'm in the 12th grade at this point and I live with my mom, stepdad, stepbrother, and blood sister. Can't bring my dad up since he wasn't in my life often.  I'm about three months away from graduation: I'm supposed to be going to the army after I graduate. "Send me to my death" I always thought in my mind as I crave to be killed by a stray bullet. Life to me isn't something I really enjoy, nor value. It's despair, an endless pit of darkness never shined upon. Nobody gets my pain and I couldn't explain it ; it's not that simple to do. I'd kill myself but I wanna go to heaven when I die assuming it exists. That's enough about me tell me something about you....I'm interested?

"Have you been taking your medication?" said the counselor.

"Yeah" I replied (obviously lieing, but she didn't know that. I have a lot of depression and the pills make me calm so I hate them)

"Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah I'm feeling very good today" I said with a smile (I wanna get this conversation over with so I have to pretend so I prevent her from giving me any further medications-that I won't take)

"Good, this is your last day so your free to go. To bad I won't be seeing you anymore; call me if you have any problem with his depression"

"Yes ma'am I surely will" said my mom

We left the building and the counselor gave her more medication to give me. We got back in the car and booked it out of there. Unfortunately she dropped me off at school since it was only about 12:23 at this time. Meaning I was in 4th period which was art so I'm not to mad about that. I walk to class and began my work like any other day. Happy to the unsuspecting eye but torn inside by the shallow prison we call existence. I thought to myself about the goals I want to achieve; saving life after life and preventing my adversaries from taking more lives. Then I got a text from my girlfriend.

"Malcolm....he keeps texting me on Snapchat. You need to do something about it" said my girlfriend
"He's all talk so don't pay him any attention" I gave as a rebuttal

I'm a territorial person so things like this made me uncomfortable even more than usual. My girlfriends pretty cute ; little lips and everything else is big but her. She's 4'11 and although she's the shortest girlfriend I've had she seems to be the nicest. She's white mixed with some other stuff but looks white. I have thoughts of suicide everyday and she makes me feel more sane by the second. I can't leave the eternal despair and not even she can save me from that. I turned my ringer off so I wouldn't hear anything. I wasn't intending on replying to any more messages. I got one last message from her.
"I love you"
I didn't reply

I got back to work on my art until I heard the bell. I left class walking down the hallway with my hood on and the same jacket I wear every day. The rest of the day was a blur to me so I don't care to remember. I got home and started rapping; rap is a way to express my feelings. I got called by my girlfriend mid way and she brightened the mood. It was a Friday so I was already happy I was outta the hell hole for a few days. We got off the phone around 8:30 pm and I got up to use the bathroom. On my way there I stopped by the closet: when I opened it a canister of oxycontin caught my attention. I heard it could caused death so I grabbed three plus an additional pain pill. I walked to the fridge and grabbed a mellow yellow bottle. I don't swallow pills so I crushed them up and sprinkled them in the mellow yellow bottle. The more I drunk the more I felt weird and after maybe 15 minuets I saw complete darkness; feeling my face hit the floor.

"Malcolm..........Malcolm......call the ambulance I think he just tried to kill his self"