Fake

I'm Fake

       Hey guys thanks for reading this. I know I haven't been active lately and I'm sorry for not posting anything on my other stories but school has gotten a lot harder now that second semester is here and I am also going through a lot of rough patches.  I bet you are wondering why exactly I posted this. The truth is that I have no idea why I am posting this of all things but here it is and I hope you like it and if you don't then oh well.

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   I am fake they all say. Rumors spread like wildfire behind my back. People tell others things I say about them but only I know the real truth to the words they said I had said. I didn't say such cruel things about you and you still went and called me fake when I was telling the absolute truth. You called me a fake friend after everything you had put me through, you threw me in hell when we were together. But, part of what you said is not wrong, I was fake with you for the last two weeks we were together and let me tell you how I was fake.

At first I was real, I felt like we would actually work out with each other but then as time went on and the arguments got worse between us I no longer had hope for our relationship to last another month, and I was right, you left me through a text message and I felt the string of relief flow through me afterward. I was glad we split up, I no longer had to fake a smile. I faked my smile with you for a month when I was with you. I forced myself to act like nothing was wrong even when my world felt as if it was being swiped right out from under me. You affected me in so many bad ways and I was blind to it while others saw it and tried to get me to open my eyes. Yes, you depressed me, every time you drank, every time you went and got higher than the fucking rooftops, every time you talked bad about yourself, or whenever you talked about her to me. UGH! "Ace this, Ace that, Ace made me feel like this and then she tore my heart out." IM NOT ACE! I will NEVER be Ace and if you can't realize that no girl will ever be like Ace then you will forever be alone in the world. YOU need to move the hell on, she has moved on with someone that makes her happy so you need to get over it. She doesn't want you back.

You made me feel like a piece of shit whenever you talked about your ex's that had done you wrong in the past, I felt like you were comparing me, a piece of worthless dirt, to them, the ones who made you truly happy. I'm done trying to pretend that your constant whining about how happy they all made you and how PERFECT Ace was didn't hurt me at all, cause it did.
It felt like I was being stabbed constantly in the back, but you wouldn't have cared anyway you never cared about me. Whenever you talked about Ace I buckled myself down and listened quietly torturing myself and allowing you to dig my hole deeper into the abyss, I listened to you all the time and I tried to help you, not caring about how it was affecting me in the process of doing so. But, you didn't care, you just kept digging and I couldn't help you because YOU BROKE ME. So yes Butch, I am happy we didn't last because I would have died inside if we stayed together.

I would be dead, a lifeless husk without a soul because you burned it and buried it. You ripped and ripped and ripped and ripped and ripped at me, tearing me apart and I fought back, god I fought back. I did. I fought back because I didn't want to die inside, I didn't want to go back to that dark place in my soul that you were pushing me towards. I wanted to be me and you wouldn't let me be who I was. You didn't like my attitude, so I tried to change who I really was for you while you remained the same stubborn, alcoholic son of a bitch that you are. When you said that you didn't like my attitudes towards you when I was merely being myself I forced myself to become someone I wasn't. I have a wild and yet very insecure spirit that can be broken in a matter of seconds if I'm not careful; you didn't like it so you made it change. You wanted me to cage the real me up inside myself with no escape while you molded the "new" me to your own liking. Or at least that's how if felt to me as I fought a losing battle against you, so I let myself sink back into the hell I had desperately wanted to escape from with you by my side to help me fight. I thought you would be my rock to keep me grounded but you turned out to the hurricane throwing me deeper and deeper into the darkness of both of our demons.

I felt shattered on the inside and on the outside, I put on a mask to make you happy. I was a doll and you were the puppet master, pulling on my stings and making me dance however you wanted me to. Every time you got upset I was always caught in the crossfire and struggled to help soothe the wildfire that was burning deep inside of you. When you wouldn't calm down or listen to my pleading I got mad and I fought back because I wasn't going to let you trample over me without a fight. IM NOT A DOLL! I'm glad you cut the stings that connected me to you, cause now im no longer a doll in your control and I never will be again.

No our breakup didn't cure my depression. I am still very much stuck fighting my demons od depression while my absolutely terrible anxiety lingers around the next corner of my mind ready to help drag me down again as I second guess and overthink every situation that comes before me. But now I don't have you pulling me down with your own burdens atop of mine. I am now able to breathe again and fight my own battle. I will win it without you. I will keep fighting until my battle is won. Yes Butch at one point I did love you, I had true feeling for you and it scared me because I knew that you couldn't replicate them and you did not love me back. You were also fake. You faked your happiness with me. You faked you "love". You almost caught me in your web if I hadn't opened my eyes to see that you were faking feelings you could never feel for me. All you really cared about was turning me into Ace. You thought that if you twisted and manipulated me enough then I could become who she was and maybe then you could love me.

Ace, Ace, Ace. Her name haunts me just like you, lurking inside my head always taunting and threating to hold my strings once again one day, you made me think that one day we could really be something and you really cared about me. But, if you really cared about me you would have seen the pain in my eyes. You would have been able to break through the wall I had built up to keep me safe from evil toxin like you. You would have asked me what was wrong and if I was alright and whenever I said that I was fine you would have responded with something along the lines of "No you're not alright, I can see it. Tell me what's wrong please." But you never did do things like that, you never cared to see the pain you brought me. You were so blind to my own pain because you couldn't look past your own issues and you even forced your own pain onto me. That pain destroyed me, it destroyed who I was. I didn't want to eat, sleep, or even get out of bed the last two week of our relationship. I began to push everyone away, I tried and failed to make you happy but you didn't want you help yourself.

I couldn't handle it anymore, the pain was too much to bear with you. If you hadn't broken up with me I would have either ended my own life or ended our relationship. So yes I am happy Butch. I can be who I really am without your weight on my shoulders anymore. I can be strong again. I can be free. You won't be there controlling me and hurting me with your fake words. Your fake promises and your fake "love" will no longer stab into me like a knife. If you keep calling me fake go on ahead because in your eyes that is what I am. But keep in mind that I will NEVER be as fake as you are. If I am fake in your eyes then you are fake in my own. I can now see through your charade, the mask that you wear will be your eternal curse.

I really did care about you at one point in our relationship and when we decided to just be friends I was relieved that I could still be a part of your life and try to help you without affecting me in the process. But soon after we became just friends somebody told you that I was talking bad about you behind your back when I honestly was not but you didn't believe me. You instead decided to believe the person who was feeding your own fire of hatred towards me. When you called me a fake friend who lies and is deceitful, it destroyed me. Yes, I will talk about being happy now that we are not together because it is the full and honest truth. If people ask why I am so happy now I will tell them now I will tell them why I'm so happy about our breakup. Unlike you I'm not scared to be honest with people. Im not scared to explain my thinking of our toxic relationship that was slowly killing me. So if im fake for being honest then so be it. Im a fake friend, that who I am. Im fake for being me. But the truth is and will always be you are the one who is fake, you're faker than a Barbie doll on steroids. I hope you enjoy your fake ass life surrounded by your own lies and deceit. I know I will enjoy my life now that you hold no place in it. I am free without you.