42 days

24 August 2001

Well that was the most hectic, stupid, confusing, argumentative and generally fucked up fortnight of my entire life. Even though I know life will be better in America, well it should be anyway, its still hard to leave so much behind. Dad says we can't take everything so I'm having to say goodbye to a lot of the things I care about the most. My friends that stood by me, the city that shaped me, the house that will always hold the only memories of my mum; she'll never really leave me. Perhaps most of all though, I'm leaving behind my heart.

I really thought Lucy was the one. My hand in hers, my problems hers, my lips pressed against hers. Now its just a hole we share in our lives. Our goodbye was hard. I went round hers and watched some film I've never heard of. Swear that's a tradition in every relationship. It was even more weird as she wasn't right. I know we didnt know when we were going to see each other again but she just watched it seeming to contemplate life, saying nothing. Still, she was amazing. Made me feel like a king as usual. She's my queen. And no ones ever going to replace her. I know she feels the same. As I left, staring back at her standing in the doorway, I couldn't help but notice every single detail of her. Its so perfect. Then out of the blue, she ran over to me and threw her arms around me so tight. It felt like a literal bear hug. She's not one to show her emotions, perhaps that why we suit. But as she was holding me I felt a trickle run down her face and onto my jacket. Just one. No more. After what seemed like hours we broke away and there was a new look on her face. No sign of that tear. Before I started to cry I turn away.

That look on her face was confusing. That one last look that wasn't normal, or hers. Its unbelievable how long it took me to figure out what it meant.

9:25 pm and my stomachs being sucked into a chair by a jet engine. Its weird how that was the last feeling I ever had in England.