May 14; My Day

Chapter Five 

I was coming to terms with the fact that if I took my own life, Alex would too. That was the deal. But when I had my random spurts of depressing thoughts, my brain would tell me we would be together in death. It seemed so right for a while, I pondered why we were even still alive. We were two depressed teens in love, and I saw no other ending. My logic was, we all die in the end, so why not do it on my own terms, with the person I'm in love with? We live to please others, and when others are pleased, we cease to exist. When the cuts on my arms multiplied, and my mind focused only on the fastest way to die, I smiled the most. It's easier to pretend than to have pretentious freaks who don't care, ask you how you are. I had given up doing homework straightaway, and soon after, classwork. My grades were slipping, and the administrators stopped asking me what was going on. My mum stopped asking if I was okay, stopped caring, really, and I gave up. The last thing to do was to kill myself. Everyone could tell what was going on, but noone cared enough to try to stop it. One day, when I was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, trying not to cut, I got a notification telling me someone mentioned me in a comment. The girl that commented, Hayley Williams, went to my school, and she waved and smiled at me in the hallways, but we weren't close. We talked for a bit, and she asked for my number. Hayley turned out to be really grand, and she was extremely nice to me. We talked over the weekend, then her friend, Taylor, gave me her number too. Me and Taylor became really close, and we told each other things noone else knew. I told her about my seven suicide attempts, and she told me she was sad and she worried about her weight. I had told Hayley about my eating disorder, and I wanted Taylor to know that I knew what she was going through. Hayley and Taylor grew a soft spot for me, and it was extremely noticeable. Taylor became a mother figure for me, because my mum was not a good one at all. Taylor watched my weight, and worried about me more than anyone. I continued to tell her things, as I trusted her with my life. Though that didn't seem to mean much to me, they would beg me to see things differently. As the end of the school year approached, I had managed straight F's, people yelled at me about how wrong being lesbian was, I was teased by my teacher's assistants, and I still had not ended my own life. I was getting fed up with the bullshit of everyday life. I wanted to sleep forever, that had never changed. 

A/N: ugh, it's getting deep eew. well, as this is all extremely true, shoutout to the people who had actually made an effort in my life and tried to help me, ya'll are rad

Chapter Six

The last two weeks of school were rapidly approaching, and I still had no clue as to why I was so sad. And that was frustrating as fuck. I had also given up trying to even figure it out, as I was under the impression I would die any minute.

Chapter Five 

Mine and Alex's relationship turned great, then sour. We fought all the time, and we never had any time together. None of it seemed worth it anymore. I was failing all my classes, I was a horrible girlfriend, and everyday I had more marks on my arms. Something was obviously going to happen soon, whether that was a breakup or suicide, noone knew. With summer approaching, Alex was getting excited as that meant more time for us to be together. I was thinking way too much about everything all at once, and that meant something bad was about to happen. I figured breaking up with Alex was the best option, and would solve many of our problems. Nothing felt the same with her. After I told her what was on my mind, she was heartbroken and seeking help. When a mentally ill and suicidal person finds love, they rely on only that love. When someone takes that love from them, things go horribly wrong. Alex was lashing out at herself, and the only way to save her was to love her. We arranged a day for me to go to her house to teach her how to play bass, but when I got there I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted to kiss her. I thought I didn't love her romantically anymore, just as a friend. But when I couldn't stop touching her in any way anymore and I pushed my lips to hers, she cried and asked me why I did that. When I couldn't come up with a reason, she pushed me off and walked away. That was my cue to tell her I loved her, but I didn't want to hurt her anymore. I had to explain myself, I just knew it would confuse and hurt her. I told her that when I'm with her, all I feel is love. But when I'm away, I don't feel anything. And as confusing as everything was, I was sure that I loved her. I wanted her and only her forvever.