When you lay there wide awake at 6 in the morning feeling completely useless. Completely done. When you lay there thinking about all the shit you with you could fix. When you think of how good it feels, the cold metal on your skin. When you lay there hungry but refuse to eat. When you lay there cold and tired but can't sleep. When you lay there shaking from crying, trying not to wake anyone. When you lay there alone questioning why your still here. Laying there wishing you could just disappear. That's the scariest moment. The moment where anything can happen. You never know. You could slit your wrist open. Or someone walks in and you have to pretend your asleep. You could even fall asleep from crying so much. But no matter what you do you realize you'll still be alone. Even tho there are people all around your alone. None on them care enough to help you. You have felt like this for nearly 10 years. It's been the same for 10 years so why don't you just end it. It's not like they will really care anyways right? Right. Cuz if they did they would have helped you long ago. But they didn't. All these thoughts going through your head as you shake writing down your last words.
Most of you probably saw this coming. And you think this is me saying I'm sorry. But I'm fucking not. I'm not sorry but you should be. None of you helped me? Wasn't it obviously I was hurting. I mean you had to of noticed at some point throughout these last 10 years. You pretend you didn't cuz you think I'm just being a "dumb bitch" wanting attention" "just being drama" yes I want attention. I want fucking love!! I wanted to be held and told everything will be okay that I'm not alone. But you didnt fucking did it... Why?!? Why didn't you help me. I'm your fucking blood why not help me? Why let me feel like this. Why?... Do you all really think I've been pretend that I want to die for 10 years. I have tried to make you realize I wanted you to help. I guess none you care about anyone but yourself. Ha it's funny cuz that's what you always told me. That I only cared about myself. Well FUCK YOU!!!!!! I am so tired of all this stupid shit. I'm tired of hurting I'm tired of being strong. I'm done. I give up. Fuck all you.
You wipe your eyes as you stand up and go to your bathroom. You lock the door and turn on the water. You look yourself in the mirror. The broken girl looking back at you, doesn't even look like you anymore. You have gotten so pale and skinny. The purple bags under your eyes make it look even worse. You strip and step in the tub. You take a deep breath in then out then you pick up the shiny little piece of metal on the side the tub. A tear runs down your face as you look up and Mumble the words sorry as you slash the blade on both your wrist blood pours out. So much more then usual.. you gasp and go under water. You feel dizzy and you slowly drift to "sleep" as your about to completely go you hear someone walk to the door. It's your little brother? He's woken up and is wanting food and cartoons.. you come up just enough to say 'I love you so much baby. I'm sorry.' As you completely fall under.. it's all done. It all over with. You've done what you've wanted to for 10 years are you happy now?.. no your not.. you realize that you have made a horrible mistake... That you weren't alone.. your brother was always there. He loves and cares about you. And you left him. You gave up on him?. And the bad part.. you were his age when it all started for you? When the pain and scars started.. he knocks on the door trying to get your attention and ask for breakfast. He knows your in there he hears the water. He tries to open the door but can't. But it's a shitty lock..? He can easily turn it with his nails. He opens the door and runs over screaming trying to help you.. he hold on your your lifeless body and your mother comes running in the room to see what has happened. Then screams and grabs your brother. He's covered in your blood he's crying and screaming your name begging for you to wake up to be okay.... He cries and cries. Till he eventually falls asleep crying in your bed snuggling your pillow with your smell.. you look down at him an you still hurt.. you hurt cuz you hurt him.. even with you dead you still hurt cuz you have broke his heart leaving him like this. His big sister is gone. He loved and looked up to you to keep him safe and love him and now you have left... You slowly go and kiss an head and whisper I'm so sorry. And he wakes up cuz he felt something. he looks around and there's nothing around. He cries more and lays there missing you.. When suddenly you jolt awake. Your laying in your bed and you look and it's 7 and your little brother comes in asking for food and cartoons. Your pull him close and hug him tight. And you cry a little. "I love you so much baby." You hold him and rock him till you both fall back to sleep.
