Dear Tyler
It's been two months now. And I've finally worked up the courage to write.
First things first, I miss you. I miss your smile, so soft and welcoming. I miss your laugh, the witch cackle. I miss your hair, the colour of lilac and the way it felt when I put my fingers through it. I miss your eyes and the way you could get lost in them in a second. I miss your hands and the way when I held them it felt like a miniature hug. I miss your personality and the way you could make anyone happy. I miss your YouTube videos and the way they'd make me smile. I miss you!
I also need you to know that I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. Nothing can change that. You will always be the love of my life. The one that I want. The one that I need to live.
You helped me through thick and thin. Through the dark times. Through the cuts and the tears. When I was damaged you fixed me. You made me more of a person. You healed the scars. You stopped the pain. But now it has started again. The pain is there again. But the cutting doesn't stop it now. The cutting doesn't even help. You aren't here to kiss away my tears. To hug away my pain.
All your things are in the same place as they used to be. Your clothes are still in your half of the wardrobe. Your side of the bed is still unmade. Your spare glasses are on the bedside table. Your laptop is on the floor. Every evening I put one of your sweaters on. It almost feels like you are still here with me. Like you're giving me a hug.... But it's not. It's slowly losing it's scent. Slowly losing the sense of you being here. Your pillow is starting to smell like me. The sleepless nights when I feel like cuddling you but your not there, it's the closest thing to you.
Why did we have to fight? We never fought! I shouldn't have disagreed with you. I was wrong! I knew you had had a few drinks too and I still let you go. I let you run off. I let you get in your car and drive away. The drinks intoxicating you. Why didn't I go after you? I just stayed there! I thought you'd come back! But you didn't!
Where were you going? Grace and Hannah's? Korey's? Because you told me you'd never leave me! You told me I'd never be alone. You promised Tilly! You promised!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry I was so inconsiderate to you! All you did was love me and what did I do made you mad. I made you upset. I am such an idiot. I'm sorry for being an idiot!
I don't eat much anymore. Everything tastes like cardboard and every time I eat I feel sick. I don't sleep either. I wait for you to get home. I know you will come home.
Connor and Korey came over yesterday. They told me to stop leaving the door on the latch or I'll get burgled. But I leave it on the latch for you. I don't want you to have to wait on the doorstep in the cold when you come back. When are you coming back? Connor told me to get over you. To forget what happened between us! But I can't. I still love you Tilly! Nothing can stop me loving you! Korey tells me that you're not coming back but I know you will. You will come back won't you Tilly? Please say you'll come back!
When you get back I'm going to give you a massive kiss. I miss our kisses. They were so nice. They made me feel warm inside.
Zoe insists on having me Skype her at least once a week. I talked to her this afternoon. I told her I had to go. Your dinner needs to be cooked. Then she started to cry. She told me that you didn't need dinner. That you wouldn't be home later. You're never coming back. She cried and cried and told me to stop. To stop thinking you're still here. To stop thinking that you're going to come back.
I'm beginning to have my doubts though. As every day passes it gets harder and I become thinner. You're not really gone are you Tilly? You told me you'd never leave me. You told me you'd always be with me. I try to talk to you but I never get an answer. Why don't you answer me?
You are gone aren't you. I saw your body. You're dead. Just another body in the ground. A body that will be forgotten about. Just like all the others. But you cannot be forgotten because your Tyler Oakley. And I Troye Sivan will not let that happen. But it already has. Your not here anymore so people forget. They forget what you did in the world. You made people happy. You made people smile. You helped them on their journey of life. But they've forgotten that.
I miss you Tilly. Please don't leave me. I love you. I don't think I can live without you. I want you to stay. To be with me until we're old, like we talked about.
I love you!
-Troye
