I look through my window or what I think is my window. My vision is hazy and everything is black and white like an old style movie. Of course it is only a dream but.... but everything is jist perfect, apart from the hazy vision.
I know Jemma is here. I step outside my door expecting Jemma to come bolting around the corner, acting as though Jemma didn't die six months ago.
Our phone was ringing, I ran to check the number. No way in hell could I have picked up the phone, it was the hospital.
"NO! NO!" I scream. My worst nightmare, the day of Jemma's death. I wake up, sweat pouring down my forehead, I start to cry. I stand up and walk, just baby paces to my window. I look out in a daze, wishing the day Jemma died never happened.
It was already warm, the sun shining. If Jemma was here she would be in our front yard either sleeping or reading. Jemma was beautiful, she had tanned skin and dark brown hair that was nearly always swept to the side.
Of course we looked exactly the same but her personality was amazing and that made her look all the more delightful. If I looked put my window when Jemma was alive, she was always there. Always there when I needed her.
Some days going anywhere near my window makes me cry, it just reminds me too much of her. Some days I can't even get out of bed, mum and dad don't mind though. They know how hard Jemma's death has been on me.
I wander into the kitchen, make myself some breakfast and sit down to eat. I do the exact same thing everyday like a mindless drone, what I do and when I do it is drilled into me.
I used to go to school when Jemma was alive, we had heaps of friends and were always swapping classes. Since Jemma died at the end of the Christmas holidays I didn't have to go back to school.
I was getting home schooled so I didn't have to face everyone at school with their "OMG I'm so sorry's" and "How are you coping's". They will never understand.
Jemma and I were inseperable until her death, I still think that we ae connected in some way. In a sense she is like my guardian angel now. I know it sounds absurd but in some way I know she is watching over me.
We were so close and all of that ended in a flash, no warning at all. I just wish I could talk to her again. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
Our bond was unbreakable and we never said a bad word about eachother. I just wish, on that dreadful day I had been there with her.
The last time I had seen her was at six in the morning when she said she was going for a ride on her bike. I wish I had just said "It's too early go back to bed." I knew she was going to die eventually just at the age of eighty-five, not fifteen.
She hadn't returned by ten in the morning and that was when we went looking for her. We were really starting to worry when we returned home and still hadn't found her. That's when we gt the call, the call that ended my happiness. It was the hospital calling. They said "We are deeply sorry but your daughter has been hit by a bus. We tried everything to try and save her but she didn't make it. I am sorry for your loss. You may come see her if you would like."
We hopped in the car, my mum already crying, my dad too quiet and me, I didn't know, I still didn't believe that she was gone. How could anything like this happen? Why did this happen? They were the thoughts that were running through my mind.
We arrived at the hospital I still didn't belive that she was dead until we saw her. Jemma's lifeless body, broken bones, mangled body and her face barely discernable.
Her funeral was two weeks later and all of our friends and family came. I still hadn't cried, I was trying to show strength when inside I was breaking.
I didn't know if I was going to survive without her. After the funeral no matter what I cried at least once a day.
Today mum and dad had arrived back from work and they asked me to sit on the couch.
"Carrie," they said, "We have something to tell you."
"I am pregnant," my mum continued, "Carrie, Jemma cared about you more than anyone else in the world, she will always be watching over you. You will have a little sister or brother to keep your mind off Jemma's death."
Maybe now I will be able to move on.
