Find My Way Home (Bulldogs MC #4)

9: I Am Nothing

^^ Skids ^^

I've never genuinely hated anyone before. I didn't really think I was capable of it. I either care about someone or I don't, and the people I don't care about, I don't think about them enough to hate them. I can be angry with people, and there have been plenty of times when people have riled me up so much that all I can think about when I see or hear them is hitting them as hard as I possibly can. But I've never known what hate feels like. Not until I sat in that meeting next to Lenni, listening to my mother belittle Smiler. I know that Smiler cares, and I know that Lenni is more than capable of standing up for them both, but I can't help myself.

I get this feeling running through my body that feels like it burns me from the inside out. I feel droplets of sweat gathering on the back of my neck, and my palms are clammy in the middle of my clenched fists. It's not until I'm on a bus heading towards Flagstaff that I identify the feeling. Hate, pure hate. That woman made me; she carried me inside her body and gave me life. She held me when I cried, was there for my first steps and my first words. I've heard her heartbeat from the inside of her body, and her blood runs through my veins. But she walked into that room, and it was like I'd never existed. Lenni, her boss George and the lady from DCFS all spotted it too. Even Mr Gregory knew that when he was singing my praises, she couldn't have looked less interested. I could tell from the looks they gave me. Not pity exactly, more like sympathy, if there's really a difference. She bounced my brother on her knee, and I tried my hardest not to let my eyes wander to him. He was the only thing from that house that I missed. I wondered what he'd be like when he grows up; whether he'll keep her interest where I couldn't. I hope that in a few years, he's not sitting in a room like this while she ignores him.

I tried so hard to keep my temper, even when Lenni had stood up and put my mother in her place, finally gathering some interest from her. I told myself that Lenni had this; that she's the most amazing person I have ever met, and if anyone can handle my mother it's her. And she does; I see how hard it is. Her jaw clenched, fists so tight her knuckles are a bright white, but she keeps hold of her temper and I follow her lead. Until my mother starts talking about Smiler, making out like he doesn't care because he's not here. That's all it takes, and I snap. I look out of the bus window, watching the desert pass by, my words ringing in my head.

"Really, mother? You of all people are going to come out with that? How long did it take for you to notice I was missing? Oh, that's right. The police turned up two weeks later to tell you I was gone. He, on the other hand, notices if I'm even five minutes late home from school; or if I get so engrossed in my homework that I haven't eaten dinner yet. Or if I'm slightly quieter than usual, he notices. Then he goes out of his way to do something about it. Who do you think you are to judge him because he's covering for a friend who's been in the hospital for weeks, seriously ill? You make me sick."

There was so much I wanted to say to her, so much I wanted to ask. I wanted to know what I'd done wrong, or if it was something inside her that broke and meant she couldn't love me anymore. I wanted to ask if my brother was my replacement; if I'd disappointed her so badly that she wrote me off and tried again. I wanted to know if I'd ever been good enough for her. But I choked; I couldn't ask because I was too scared to face the pain that would come with her answers. That I wasn't good enough, she'd put up with me because she had to, until I was old enough to look after myself. I knew when I saw her face as she spoke about Smiler that she wasn't going to make this easy. She wouldn't give me up and let me be with someone who loved me. And it wasn't because she cared, or couldn't handle the thought of me not being with her. It was because she didn't want to admit she failed; she didn't want someone to succeed where she couldn't. She didn't want someone to love me when she never did. So I ran; I bolted out of that room and I didn't stop until I got to the bus station. I couldn't bear to be there when they told me I couldn't stay with Lenni. And if I couldn't stay with Lenni, I sure as hell wasn't going back to Atlanta; not with that woman.