I have decided that I'm not gonna let a boy that I like be an affect on my life. I just didn't wanna go bc of my attacks and bc I was afraid he will get closer with someone else and forget about me or replace me. I have decided that what happens happens and that's I shouldn't be stressing out about a boy because if I'm even special to them that they won't replace me or fall for someone else. If I come back and he got closer to other girls and doesn't even talk to me anymore it's gonna hurt a lot for a while but if we were meant to at least be friends then we will talk again. I guess that I was just afraid to be replaced especially since I'm almost leaving and everything will be different. I know that he wants to talk to other people more than me and that has always hurt me. I know that if I go to dc and I come back that he'll be great friends with other people more than me and that they'll have their own inside jokes and that they'll wanna talk to each other a lot more while I'm just in the background. And that always hurts to think about but I have to get it over with because there's no point in putting him first in front of everything else if he's not gonna do the same. It's not fair for me to be stressing out about being with him if he doesn't even give a fuck about me. I need to grow up. This crush has been going on for so long but has been getting worse. It's gonna hurt seeing him laughing and smiling with someone else. It's gonna hurt so much for a very long time. It might never stop hurting. I know that I'll probably still have a crush on him for another long time and that he's probably gonna move on and that's never gonna make me feel better. He doesn't even notice and he probably hates me. He'll probably never care for me and it's gonna take me a long time to accept that even tho it might break my heart. I always say what's the point and that I don't need anybody. But that's not all true. I knew that there might've not been a point to being with but I keep on liking him bc I hate to see him with someone else. I don't need anybody but it's nice to have someone you look forward to talking too because they would always make you feel safe and worth it. I guess I got attached. I'm probably always gonna want him to be in my life. But I do have to start putting my wants and life in front of him and start thinking of what will make this year better instead of thinking "what can I do to get closer to him". It's not like any boy is ever gonna get a hint of what girls do for them.
