Just putting down a few words takes too many thoughts as if what I say could somehow play a role in my downfall. I'm just thinking that anything could happen. I could slip and fall and lose all of what I care for. Wake up with a smile and only to fall asleep upset and in denial. To start my car only to move on and be split apart in a calamity.
What if I say one wrong word and ruin everything we had. You would just forget every kind word I said, every caring deed or much needed compliment. You would just erase me and hate me, leave me behind and let me burn up inside.
What if I think about how life is ripped so quickly from those who aren't lucky enough to have said goodbye first? What if that's just too hard to accept? I'm here and they are not, I'm wasting away and they are forgotten but I can't forget because the thoughts get stuck in my mind and it just leads to me feeling resigned.
I know it doesn't help to let these dark thoughts stain my brain like blood on a carpet but I can't help it. I know it's fucked to think of the state of the world, a concept I can't even grasp, and give up.
I think everything is a fight because you can't just passively live life. If you don't fight then you earn nothing, gain nothing, and you stop finding a reason to feel okay. I just can't help but think that maybe I just don't want to fight, I have no drive, I feel I can't thrive. But I know there has to be something surely or else how can so many others lose their lovers and lose all they love yet still fight every moment of their suffering of the mind?
Maybe I'm just blind and twisted inside. Maybe the world looks wrong to me and somewhere along the way I need to stop feeding my addictions and begin to fight for my passions.
And now I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe I just need to participate in life and stop stopping to think about my purpose or choice in words. It's not really that I feel like nothing, I'm just disconnected, like the wires were ripped out and I tipped over the side of the cliff without any connections to hold me back. I think I need to feel a burning in my chest instead of in my head. A heartache rather than a headache.
But I also think that if my heart breaks it won't ever be the same, nothing will be. Nowhere will feel safe and no one will make me feel sane anymore. I'll be blaming it on my weak heart and I won't bother to try and restart it when it inevitably fails.
What if I can't stop myself from only feeling sorrow and plainly feeling sorry for myself. I know it's pathetic but I don't feel I can help it. And you reach your hand out to me but I feel too broken to grasp it. I think I need you to do more than reach, you've got to leap and take my hand because I know you're stronger than I am. Please don't just let me fade. Say something, do something more, it doesn't have to be extraordinary it just has to breathe a little life into me.
I think I'm done thinking for once.
I think I've expressed every worry even though most of it's nonsense. I'm still tense but I guess I'll try to rest and stop my thoughts.
