In my own World

If only the loud music wasn't blaring in my ears. If only I had listened to the old man who had indicated that I should take my earphones off. If only I would have realized that someone's world was crumbling in the car purring next to me.

It wasn't until I was on the other side of the traffic light, and every vehicle I had left behind started honking, did I realize that something was wrong. I forced my bike to stop by kicking the sidewalk, something you should only do if you want to put yourself in mortal peril. But I should not have worried as every other vehicle on the street had come to a ghostly standstill.

All the humans were getting out of their cars and swarming towards the spot I had recently vacated. I hope you are not offended that I have used the word 'humans', instead of 'people'. I am just describing it exactly how I perceived it. I guess my first encounter with death made me feel a bit out of my body.

I do not know when did I realize that the lady in the car was dead. In fact, I have no clue how I knew it was a lady. I do not even remember looking in the car. All I remember is the voice inside my head, telling me to bike away from that spot and go as far as my legs would take me. But, as always, my stupid brain just did not register this voice.

From that moment till the time the detective closed the door, of the investigation room behind him, everything went by in a haze. I was still confused why the man in the uniform dragged me to his car and brought me to the station. Now that, after hours of waiting in that dingy room, I had returned to my senses, I found my head flooding with questions.
Who was she? How did this happen? Why am I here? Where is my bike? Will it be too insensitive of me to ask for some water? When can I go home?

"Is she dead?" Seriously! Out of all the questions I could have asked, my brain picked up the only one I had an answer to. I just wish I had more control over my brain. I also wish that the detective would have responded more politely.

Before I could ask anything relevant, the detective sat down and started bombarding me with questions. I will not trouble you with the details. I will just try to include the relevant ones.

" At the time of the event, did you see anything suspicious?"
"No"
"You were the closest person, if you did not see anything, then no one did."
"Well, I guess then no one really did." I don't know why I was being so arrogant. I guess the movies and TV shows had unknowingly influenced me.

"Are you sure?"
" Yes"
"Did you hear anything?"
"No, I was listening to music"
The detective raised his eyebrows and said." What, while riding a bike?"
I was starting to feel a bit scared now. All the interrogation scenes from the various shows I had seen were clouding my head. "Yes. I am very careful." At this, the detective gave me a look indicating that his brain was mocking me for being so immature. I do not understand if people want to tell their inner thoughts to the world or if they just have no control over their expressions. I hope it is the latter, because I wouldn't lie, that look made me very angry.
"OK. could you please recall that moment and describe what all do you remember?"
"Err. It was just a normal crossing. I don't remember seeing anything unusual."
"Could you please tell me what stopped you from running away from the crime scene?"
I could feel all my defense signals lighting up in my brain, "I wasn't running away. I... I was just following the rules."
" I am sorry, but it is just hard for me to believe that you would see a dead person and continue riding your bike."
Well, now I was really terrified and a bit angry. " I do not know what you expect me to say. I already told the inspector that I did not look inside the car."
The detective straightened up a bit more, and opened his mouth to speak. Cutting him off, I said, " See, I know that you are just doing your job, but, I am running out of ways to tell you that nothing that I saw is relevant. In fact, I did not see anything I was just waiting for the traffic light to change." After a small pause I said, "I am tired, could you please let me go."
The detective looked a bit startled but then he immediately composed himself left the room instructing me to wait.

He came back after a few minutes, with a form, telling me that I cannot leave town till this investigation is over. By that time, I just wanted to get back home and I did not really care about anything.

I guess it wasn't until I lied down on my bed and rewound the day in my head, did I realize that I had almost witnessed a murder. Also, I had cost a woman her life by filling my ears with music. I know that her death was not really my doing, but there is a high probability that I could have prevented it.
At that point, I started imagining all the possible conclusions today's event could have had if my ears were open. I must say that in most of the permutations things did not end that well for me either. I am certain that if I would have moved my neck 90 degrees counterclockwise the human claiming this woman's life would have done everything to stop me from saving it. Even if that meant adding one more murder in the logs.

I could not take it anymore I had to find out what had happened. I sat up and flipped open my laptop. The four digits, indicating the time startled me. Due to the rush of the day's events I had lost track of time. I had to get myself to sleep if I wanted to be awake during tomorrow's lecture. I started pushing the lid of my laptop down, but then I remembered that my ignorance had already cost that woman her life, at least I could try and bring her to justice.

Within a few seconds, I was hit by another surge of guilt as my search engine prompted me to feed it with some keywords. I was ashamed that I did not even know the woman's name yet. Fortunately, it wasn't difficult to find it as all the news websites were giving this murder their full attention to gain audience. After reading a few articles I realized that in almost all the articles I was described as an ignorant college student. I guess that was the first time I was on the same page as the majority.

Ignoring the comments, I started digging into the woman's life. Every click widened my knowledge of the crater this woman's departure had caused. I had witnessed her child's first day of school, her marriage, her graduation, and a few other celebrated events of her life. The guilt I felt started pouring out of my eyes and I was forced to turn my laptop off and lie down. I couldn't help thinking about the events that took place. The face of the old man telling me to take off my earphones floated in front of me.

In a flash, I was up on my feet. I grabbed my keys and headed for the door. How could I not have noticed it before? In the past three months, I had taken the same route home and I had made an eye-contact with the man almost every day. Why was it that today, for the first time, he told me to remove my earphones?

I was riding towards the shop, in front of which the old man always sat, at my fastest speed ever. If there was anyone apart from me who had a clear view of what was happening inside the car, it was him. I was almost there now. I could feel my legs shaking under the pressure. I could see the door of the shop now, but there was no sign of the old man. My legs could not take it anymore. I entangled myself from the bike and dropped it to the ground. I walked towards the shop, thinking I should check inside for the old man. As I approached towards the door I had a feeling that everything was melting around me. I remember thinking that maybe, it was just the adrenaline rushing through my body.

As the crack of the door slowly widened, I could see a well-lit room with a vacant comfortable couch and an old man sitting on a chair. The old man looked up, smiled, and said, "Oh good, it's you. I thought you weren't going to come in for today's session. Oh, and I see that you have at last removed your earphones. Now come and sit down. Let us try to have a productive session today."

I was a bit dazed and confused, but I knew that I trusted the old man. As I settled into the couch, he started speaking again, "Maybe today you could start by telling me what you were seeing yesterday? I think you saw a woman passing away. Also, I think you were imagining yourself to be on a bike"
My mouth went dry. I think it was at that point that I started realizing what was happening, but I just had to confirm, "What do you mean?"
"Yesterday, when you came in, you refused to take off your earphones and you kept asking me if she is dead. Who were you talking about?"

All my fears came true. Not again! I thought I was improving. I thought I had stopped seeing things. Now I remembered, why I was startled when I registered the time flashing on the digital clock next to my bed. I was getting late for my appointment with my therapist.