Pain

The beginning

She's laying in her bed, wondering how she got here. What has she done to end up like this? She's exhausted, she can't think straight anymore. Any false step can crumble all the efforts she's made until now. And why that? You might think. Well, she's been wearing a mask all her life. In public, she's the person everyone likes and wants to be. But at home, when she takes it off, she's more lost than you might think. But who? Who is this girl, as simple as it is. It's me.
But that's what's happening right now, let's get to the starting point shall we? Where it all started. "The beginning" as we say it.

"Beginning" Nice word huh? But have you ever thought about the fact that everything has a start, everything happens for a reason. Why? Because everything has a beginning, sort of a moment in time where something follows, whether it's good or bad. I think of it as a checkpoint. To recall an important event in my life, I always search for them in my memory.

So let's start with my beginning. Well, honestly I have a lot of beginnings. How? you wonder. Actually, it's pretty simple, every moment in my life has it's own beginning. I guess I'll tell you the one that changed my life forever. The one that made the "me" I am now. Am I happy about her? You would want to hear the cliché "yes" answer, but let's be real, I'm so fucked up inside that I just want to change it.

June 2016. Ahhhh what a moment. It's the end of the school year, summer break is coming up. I have a crush, we've been real close this past months. I wanted to tell him how I felt right before we were going to part our owns ways. It was a way to also escape if he wouldn't feel the same way about me. But somehow, somehow, my stupid scared self took over and I didn't get to chance to do it. You might think I have a multiple personality disorder? No don't you worry, I'm as normal as you.
Am I? Am I as normal as you? Wait, are you even normal? Is anyone normal? Isn't it just an excuse for everyone to hide behind of? Aren't we all lost somewhere? Desperate to find ourselves?
Don't worry, I'll save the deep talks for later, or maybe not? Anyways, let's get back to the story. But wait, do you trust me? Do you want to hear the rest? Even though you just met me? But you're still here, carrying on. I guess it's just thrilling, you're feeling part of my life right now, we're going through this together! You're helping me, you feel special too now, right? I guess I'll accept you then. Let's move on.

I felt kind of lonely that summer. Wasn't I always lonely in a way? There's only me. Family? Just some people I share my blood with, but are they inside me? Don't get me wrong, I love them. But, do they know how I really feel? No! No, they don't. Nobody knows. Unless I tell them. But why would I? Will it change anything? Oh yeah, but you're here, you know what I'm thinking, so you get to know how I feel too. You'll understand me right?
I wanted him to acknowledge me, I realised he only liked me as a friend. Well that's I thought. I started to like kpop that summer. In case you don't know what that is, kpop is also known as "Korean pop", its Korean idols singing hella amazing songs. Perfect people with perfect bodies. Yes, you know where I'm getting to :

Eating disorder!

But wait! Before you intend on leaving, please listen to my story. After all, I trusted you. I let you come along this journey with me. So please, give me a chance.

Me and food haven't been in good terms since I was a child. I felt fat, but that feeling wasn't new, I always thought that way of myself. I realised I was out of control, I had gained some weight, and I guarantee you, it wasn't a small amount of it. Overeating was the answer. But why? Why did I eat a ridiculous amount of food, why did I stuff my face with it? I don't even know. Loneliness? Emptiness? Or maybe just a way to espace. Like a drug, you just don't smoke it.

I started looking at pictures of skinny girls and wondering, how could I be like them. I thought that if I changed, I could maybe be noticed. Noticed? Was I doing this for a guy? Pffff! Of course not, I was doing it for myself. Because at the end of the day, I matter the most. And you of course. You know why? Because you stayed. You gave my an opportunity to prove myself. You maybe judge me in the beginning, haha! the return of the famous "beginning". But now, you're here, listening to me. Thank you.

I made a diet plan, started working out. I was loosing weight. Wow man, I was looking amazing, maybe you thought I was fat to begin with but no, I was your average girl. Not fat but not slim either.
Several months past by and I realised something wasn't right. But did I care? No! Should I have cared? Oh hell yes!
I started eating way less than I should have, I was happy if I couldn't finish my plate because that meant that I would drop more weight that I had planned. The scale was the reward, the numbers kept going down. Wow! I felt happy for once, I was finally in control of myself. But you guessed it, I had already tricked my mind. I was never in control. I was just desperate....