Pain

New step

"Never judge a book by its cover"
The quote everyone hears. It's inside us. We all know it. But somehow, deep down, it's what we all do. We judge. First impression, they say. Isn't it just a way to cover up the fact that we are all a society that selects? We are all cruel. So yeah, I had to fit in. But I was already part of a group. I somehow didn't feel it. I had friends yet I didn't feel confident.
I didn't get to see my crush at all during break.
High-school then started. I was 16, freshman. Gosh it was so scary! Will I make friends? Will I be the same quiet girl as I was before? No! I didn't want to. I only needed to make one friend and I would be fine. That's what I thought. Or you know what, if I don't socialise, it won't effect me that much right? Guess what! I can go through this alone. No friends needed. And also, you're here with me now, you're kind of my friend too.

I saw some girls from my previous school and stayed with them. We got along pretty well. Chemistry I guess. Or maybe we were just all scared and stuck together with the "familiar" faces. Cuz the unknown is pretty scary if you asked me. I tell to people what they want to hear. That's how the world works. You give what they need, they take and then they stay by your side. Reciprocity is required for any social connection. Give a little and you'll obtain whatever you need.

Maths, my first actual class of the year. I struggled to find my classroom, but here I was in front of the door. I looked around. Who is more compatible with me? I was thinking. Finding friends is like a hunt right? Ironic, we are still trying our best to survive. Because when we are alone, we are more likely to fall.
So let's see, to whom will we go to? Who will we aim at this time?
There are two boys. Funny thing, we're a class of 18. One of them is Asian, he has black hair and his rectangular glasses surround most of his face. The other has wavy dark hair, he seems kinda quiet too. Should we go to them? No not this time, too complicated to start my very first high-school bond with boys. Let's look to the left, shall we? Two girls, talking to each other. Agh, they are already friends, won't bother them then. I then realise I'm surrounded by groups of friends. Oh my god! What will I do? I said I'll be fine alone but after seeing all these bonds I changed my mind. Ohhh wait! Look! I see a girl, do you see her? Right there, in front of us. She saw us too! Let's go talk to her, she's the one I've been looking for. "Hey" I said, I then saw the brightest smile form on her face. Friend crush I assume. She was shy. She reminded me my old self. But I'm not like that anymore, I put on my mask. My good old mask. To be honest, I have tons of them. Today, we are wearing the confident but cute girl mask. Easy right? Let's move on. This girl and I seem to connect pretty well. It feels like we've known each other for years even though we just met.

Later that day, when I thought that everything was working out smoothly, my darks thoughts came back to haunt me.

Bulimia : a serious eating disorder that is characterized by compulsive overeating usually followed by self-induced vomiting or laxative abuse, and is often accompanied by guilt and depression.
Yes, you guessed it. I was sucked up by bulimia. As a reward, I ate and then purged. My mother later came home, I cleaned up everything and pretended everything was fine. « Help me! » my inside self was shouting.

The next day was pretty hard too, hunting for new friends. That's what I did for weeks, I was finally creating bonds, I started becoming popular! Can you imagine that?
People started coming to me, I was feeling amazing to be honest. However, I was being consumed inside...