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I sit up, my arm holding my weight as I stare into Shawn's eyes. "Yes, we can. We can make promises, Shawn." I state, wanting nothing more than for Shawn to agree with me. He sighs heavily and moves from beneath me, standing up from the couch. I look at him, wondering where he's going. He runs his hands through his hair frustratedly. "It's not the big of a deal." I add trying to pry Shawn into talking. "It is, Y/N!" He exclaims, his voice raised, "it is a big deal because we can't lose this friendship, I can't have that. It's a big deal because I'm gone so often for so long that it would be cruel to both of us. It's a big deal because I've never been in love before and I don't know how to stop it." Shawn finishes his rant, almost depleted of all oxygen. I stare at his head of messy hair as he stares at the floor. "Y-you're in love with me?" I question, feeling ridiculous for asking because maybe he didn't mean what he said. "Yes, Y/N. Of course I am. How could I not be in love with you?" He says quietly. My heart melts completely at his words, making my head spin.
"Then what's stopping us? I know how to cope with the long periods of distance. I know you, Shawn. And you know me just as well." I say, sitting up on the couch and reaching for Shawn's hand. He pulls it away and runs it through his hair again, still avoiding eye contact. "It's not easy like that, Y/N." He breathes out. "Nothing is easy when it comes to love, everyone knows that. If it's worth it then you work for it." I say, completely lost as to where this conversation is headed. "I think I should go." Shawn says before quickly grabbing his jacket and phone and heading out my front door.
I lay back on my couch, trying to comprehend what just happened. I just found out that my best friend, whom I am in love with, is also in love with me. But then he just walked out because he doesn't want to be in love with me. How is any of this meant to make sense? I run my hands over my face. A shower. I need a shower.
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4am
Y/N: Shawn are you up?
Shawn: Yeah, can't sleep. What's up?
Y/N: Apart from the fact that you told me you loved me and then left? Not too much.
Shawn: What else was I meant to do Y/N?
Y/N: Stay. You were meant to stay.
Read.
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My raging headache is a tell tale sign of my lack of sleep and high intake of caffeine. How am I meant to function properly when I can feel the most important part of my life slowly shattering into a million pieces? I can't stop thinking about it all, replaying it over and over in my head. If we love each other then why can't we have each other?
As I settle myself on the couch with my fourth mug of coffee, there's a knock at the door. Standing behind my door, is a box of donuts and a tall man with brown hair and brown eyes. I consider closing the door but then I remember I'm not ten years old. I step aside without a word, allowing Shawn to come through my door. He places the donuts of my kitchen bench before turning to me, looking me in the eyes for the first time since we kissed yesterday.
"Okay. I know I fucked up... so bad. But I've never been in love, Y/N. And I never thought I'd have to choose between a friendship and a relationship with you. I thought we had it all worked out." He opens his mouth again to talk but it seems as if the words are trapped inside his mouth as he closes it again. I take a seat at the kitchen bench, resting my forehead in my palm. Shawn gently pushes the donuts towards me. I take one out and bite it sourly. "Y/N..." He says. "I just," I say, my mouth full, "I just can't believe you walked out. You can't drop a bombshell like that, especially because those words were like music in my ears, and then walk out? Leaving me totally confused and broken. That's not fair." I say, finishing my mouthful. Shawn sighs, leaning against the bench and placing his face into both of his hands. "How can I fix this?" He questions quietly. "Well donuts are helping. But Shawn I just need you to trust me. I just need you to trust that we'll be okay, we can be one. I know we can. We just have to try." I say, reaching a hand out to him and lifting his chin so his eyes meet mine. He nods slowly, holding my stare. "Okay." He says. All of my senses are triggered as the words spark up my insides. "Wait what?" I ask, slightly confused but also just wanting him to admit it. "I love you, Y/N, so I'll try. I'll try for you." He says, his lips almost forming a smile. I stand up from my chair, donut still in hand, and walk closer to Shawn. I get so close that our bodies are almost touching and he's leaning in for a kiss but I swipe his nose with the donut, leaving a pink smear across his already rosy cheeks. He grabs me by the waist, propping me on top of the counter, both of us in fits of laughter. "I just don't want to lose this." He says, leaning his forehead against mine. "We won't lose anything. I promise. Just kiss me." I say, both of my hands cupping his soft face before crashing my lips into his.
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