Unknown Number: the Contact

Chapter 4

"I'm going to block you if you call me again."

"Oh be quiet, you love hearing my voice."

"I really do not."

"Yes you do. I bet it makes your day to see 'Unknown number' flash across your screen. Just admit I am the light of your life."

"My mother taught me not to tell lies."

"Well then she would be very disappointed in you right now."

"Why do you keep calling me?"

"Why do you keep picking up?"

"I asked you first."

"Well, admittedly, I was pretty drunk the first two times."

"And you're not drunk right now?"

"No! It's two-thirty in the afternoon on a Friday! I'm not some sort of alcoholic."

"You called me drunk two nights in a row last week. And not even on days when it was acceptable to be drunk. At least if you were drunk today, it would be semi-normal. At least today you could just say you were getting an early start on the weekend."

"That's absurd. No one gets drunk on Friday afternoon except alcoholics and frat boys. Besides, I have plans tonight. And I need to be sober for them."

"Why kind of Friday plans could you possibly have that require sobriety?"

"I'm going to break into James's apartment and get my shit back from him. And leave a nice little note for his girlfriend to let her know that he doesn't actually have a boys night so if he starts pulling that shit again, he's probably cheating."

"That sounds a little bit illegal. Also, why do you have to steal your stuff back?"

"He wouldn't let me come over and get it. I think he told his girlfriend that all my stuff was accutally just stuff she forgot over there."

"Wait, were you living with him or was she?"

"I was for a while. And I now know that he had her over on days when I could have come home at any time, which, to be fair, is pretty ballsy, so kind of grudging kudos to him? But now that I'm out of the picture, she's moving in this weekend. I still don't know if she knew he was seeing me or not. But I intend to find out."

"He sounds like a dick. You should not give him grudging kudos. He does not deserve them."

"Oh he is. He's awful. But grudging kudos where grudging kudos are due."

"I'm glad you've moved on from the drunk crying part of the breakup. I'll looking forward to not getting any more drunk calls."

"But babe, that's our thing. How can you want to give that up?"

"Don't call me 'babe'."

"You know you love it, babe."

"Why did you call me, again?"

"Oh, right. Well, I'm taking the bus to my apartment, and James in on the bus, too."

"So, you're pretending to have friends?"

"A little, yeah."

"So why don't you just pretend that you have a new boyfriend?"

"Oh my god, that's so smart! Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because I'm the brains of this operation."

"Oh my god, baby, you're so funny!"

"Louder. I don't think they heard you in Seattle."

"Aw, you're so sweet!"

"Oh God, an old lady beside me totally heard you. She's judging me. She moved seats and is judging me from across the room."

"Oh, just wear whatever. You know you look great in everything. I always say you're the most handsome man I've ever met."

"You owe me big for this, I hope you know that."

"I love you, too."

"Is he looking over yet?"

"Yes, of course I'll be over right after work."

"This is more humiliating than I thought it would be."

"Well, I just got off the bus, so don't worry. Your shreds of dignity are safe. Thanks, by the way. That was the most fun I've had in like, two weeks. James turned purple. Purple!"

"I meant I was embarrassed for you. But no problem. I enjoy angering no-good cheaters."

"Well, I appreciate it. So does the deflated balloon that is my ego."

"That's what I'm here for. Free inflation for strangers' egos."

"Haha, you're such a comedian. But I gotta go. Talk to you later!"

"That's what you think."