My love for him burns like a fire. Not just any fire though, the kind of fire that won't stop. A raging fire that burns on and on until it has devoured everything in sight, and even then it leaves a path of destruction behind it and is burned into history eventually to be forgotten as is everything else. I'm not talking about any person that is living in this world, I'm talking about Augustus Waters. The protagonist in my new obsession, "The Fault In Our Stars". The book was a piece of literary genius, but my feelings for it are mixed. I won't spoil the book for anybody that hasn't read it, but I strongly suggest reading it yourself. It was amazing. I pull myself out of my book induced hypnotic state and make myself take a shower.
When I get out of the shower I dry off, get dressed, and wrap my hair in the same towel. It's only ten o'clock, but I try to go to sleep anyway. My last thought before I drift off is how my boyfriend would feel about my crush on Augustus Waters. I wake to am alarm clock screaming in my ears. I lean over to my nightstand and grab my phone off of it. It powers up, but just barely. I won't get a new phone even though this one is near its death. There are twelve text messages. I read all of them but only respond to one, from him.
"Good Morning babe." I smile. The other texts are from people that I've decided to cut out of my life and they haven't realized it yet. I made the decision yesterday. I texted him back. "Good morning :)". I read the other texts from the rejects, shall we call them. All of them said pretty close to the same thing. "Yo, where you at?", "Wanna go to the party?", "How bout we go get some pills?" Yeah. Not proud of my former choice in friends, I haven't done anything like that in a long time but that didn't stop them from trying to revert me back to that stuff. I think I was happier when I was doing drugs and hanging out with friends. I'm down to two people that I can talk to outside of my family. My boyfriend and my best friend. My boyfriend's name is Sloan. He's great. He texted back. "Wyd?" He's a pretty boring texter. I get out of bed and get dressed. It's almost noon now. I told him I was just now getting up and I'd call him later. He told me not to forget. No problem there. My love for him rivals that of my love for Augustus Waters. Even though I know I love him I can't help but think that maybe it won't work. Not because of either of us, but because the universe is awful, and wants to be noticed, so it causes pain. The universe is an attention whore. It's a little known fact. I go upstairs and find my parents in the living room. I ignore them, because I have nothing to say to them. I go get the computer and plop down on the love seat. My step dad is the first one to make an annoying comment. "You know you only get an hour a day on the internet right?" I fight the urge to roll my eyes. I just ignore him. I'm sixteen I shouldn't have to forfeit my phone at night and be limited to an hour a day on the computer, but I know it will be over soon. I'm not allowed on Facebook anymore or anything that allows me to make contact with anyone outside the family. I occasionally sneak on there anyway, just to accept some friend requests and maybe post a status or something. I don't do that today though. Today, I want to do some research. I click on my browser's icon and the google webpage pulls up. I type: "what to do before I kill myself" I hit enter. I sift through the different things I see; I skip the one saying "Please don't kill yourself call this number..." They give the number for the National Suicide Hotline. I know that I am beyond any help that a phone call could do for me. I'm sick of just buying time. I finally find an article that is decent but it's stuff like "Go sky diving, Ride a bull, etc" I was looking for how to ease the pain on my family before I left. I find nothing. I fight the urge to look up what happens after death. I've made that mistake a couple of times before. All that does is scare you and make you put off what will be done eventually anyway. I'd like to minimize the pain I cause people and staying in this world much longer just causes me to impact more and more people. My hour is up before I realize it. I fix something to eat, not because I'm hungry but because I don't want my parents to think I'm starving myself. I go back downstairs. I feel guilty that I'm still with Sloan. I know it is rather selfish that I stay with him, knowing that I will just die on him. If there were a way for us to really be together I doubt I would consider killing myself, but we can't. I love him, but my parents make everything difficult for us. I see him very seldom. At church, and when he sneaks over at night. We try not to sneak too much though. My parents would put him in jail if we ever got caught and I'd be given away to the only person that my parents would ever send me, my aunt's. The thought makes me cringe. Sloan is seventeen. He'll be eighteen in September. It would be hard for us to be together especially after then. I tell myself to wait and see, and I can die after that. I know to you it might seem silly to put my life in the hands of someone else, but you can't understand. Not yet.
