The Eternal Struggle.
Chapter 1
Page 1
Have you ever felt as if there is no way out? Like there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Read this story and I can show you that there is, and you are not alone. Ok, so this book is about my life. Part of it anyway. Everything I am going to write about is 100% true.
Where to begin? I was at rock bottom, well I thought I was but it only got worse. It started when I was 19, I was dating let's call her M. We had been dating for about 2 years now, and thing were rocky. To say the least. Typical day to day arguments that are expected while in a relationship. I was working long hours and trying to support me and M. The days merged into weeks and the weeks into months, time seemed to be flying past before I realised that I was in a rut. I couldn't break this tedious habit of work, home, sleep, work and so on.
As the months went on work began to get better, and my relationship with M started to improve, all was going good, until. I was at work, working in central London and I received a text from M "We need to talk when you get in, nothing bad xxx" ok so I'm stood in the middle of a building site and alarm bells start to ring. I quickly replied with "what is wrong?xxx". All day I waited by my phone waiting for a reply, and still nothing. After a nerve-wracking day at work I finally got home. I burst through the back door, her face looked sad? Maybe? I wasn't sure? I walked up to her and lent in for a kiss, she stood there motionless.
"Ok what wrong" - I blurted out. Waiting anxiously for a reply. "I think I might be pregnant" - M replied with a surreal tone in her voice. I walked outside, unlocked my car and drove to my local shop. My time stood in the queue waiting to purchase this object that could tell me the life changing decision I so wanted to hear. I rushed back home and handed her the pregnancy test. She proceeded upstairs and used the test. Sat downstairs I was tapping my foot, biting my nails. I opened the box of cigarettes in my pocket, placed the cigarette in my mouth and watched my hands trembling while I tried to light it. My hands were clammy, and I was burning up. Why was I so nervous? Is this normal? What if it is positive?
I heard the dreaded footsteps walking down the stairs. She approached me and handed me this white stick. I placed it on the table, with a nervous voice M said "We have to wait". After what seemed to be a lifetime the 5 minutes were up. I looked at the test and before my eyes the first purple line appeared, bold and thick. And the longer I looked at this test the more I could see a second purple line appearing. I froze, unable to say a word I handed the test to M. A small smirk began to arise from her previously motionless face. "I think it's positive" - M said with a voice that could only be described as ecstatic. My heart started racing when I realised that this was real. "What? Ugh... It can't be! I'm going to be a dad?" - All these thought were rushing through my head I could barely speak. That's when she leant forward and gave me a hug, she placed her arms around me and just gave me a cuddle. Sometimes a cuddle is all that you want.
The first thing I did was call my sister, let's call her D. Me and D were very close she was a little older than me but, we shared our secrets like best friends normally do. She answered and before she could say hello i exploded "M IS PREGNANT". There was an eerie silence, when she finally answered "What?!" She hung up the phone and rushed over with her friend K. She checked the test and she agreed it was positive. D grabbed me and just cuddled me, the feeling of my sister cuddling me made me think that everything was going to be ok.
Page 2
After a hectic few days trying to come around to the idea of me being a dad, after I finally sat down by myself after a long day at work. I began thinking, is this what I want? Is this the right thing? Can I do this? M was visiting family for the weekend. I had a weekend by myself, sat alone at home with only the voice inside my head to keep me company. Sunday night approached and after I had finished preparing everything for work the next day I sat down on the sofa with a thud. Sunlight beaming through my front room window as the night drew in. I decided to message M and ask how she is doing, what has she been doing? All the normal questions but there is one question on my mind. What are we going to do? I finally plucked up the courage to pick up my phone and send the message, I must have wrote the same message out a thousand times and deleted it before I finally closed my eyes and clicked send.
