Hugs Lessen the Guilt

Guilt and Apologies

Written for the user @lance-mclaid on Tumblr

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Seven could only stare as the remaining water ran down the drain, leaving him shivering.

He’d spent the last 15 minutes in the shower, letting the scalding hot water hit his skin, leaving it a bright red. There was something numbing about simply staring at a bathroom wall, tiles all the same, as he slowly massaged his shampoo into his scalp. Some of it had gotten into his eyes, and he could still feel the dull stinging sensation as he stood, stark naked, in his bathroom. At some point he’d stepped out of the shower, and stood in front of the mirror, though he wasn’t quite sure when.

After a few minutes, he got quite tired of the cold air and goosebumps on his skin, and dried himself off. He pulled on the clothes that had been strewn across the ground, thrown there before he’d gotten into the shower. His skin was still damp, and his shirt plastered itself to his stomach, creating a wet spot that took up half his shirt. He pulled at it, watching as is stuck itself back to him, before going back to the task at hand, slipping his sweatshirt on and turning the doorknob to leave the bathroom. Seven felt a rush of colder air hit his face, and he let out a long sigh as he exited the room. The sudden cold air was accompanied by a sharp knocking sound, presumably coming from his front door. Seven ran his hands through his hair, still wet he noted, before taking it upon himself to actually check who could be knocking at his door at 1 in the morning. He’d normally be annoyed, but couldn’t find it within himself to even muster up any annoyance or anger.

The first thing he noticed about the visitor was the fact that they had bandages covering one of their eyes.

His breath caught in his throat, as he heard Yoosung’s voice calling for him to answer the door through the audio provided along with the camera footage. He considered ignoring the persistent blonde, but was aware that avoiding him would only cause him to become even more guilt ridden. Not that he felt he didn’t deserve to feel guilty, he certainly did, as he was the one at fault for Yoosung’s blindness in one eye.

Shakily breathing in and out, he slowly made his way to the door, unlocking it without hesitation. The blonde on the other side nearly fell into his arms as the door swung open, but managed to catch himself, apologizing. Yoosung looked as if he was just about to say something, until his expression changed into one of worry, and his eye appeared to search Seven’s for some kind of answer. Seven quickly averted his gaze, mumbling that Yoosung could come in, and moved out of the doorway. He wondered how the person who literally got their eye stabbed because of him, could look at him with such worry and care. He thought Yoosung would hold something against him, the cause of his pain, but he hadn’t seen any kind of hatred in those eyes for those few seconds their eyes had met.

He closed the door as soon as Yoosung got inside. He didn’t have the energy to keep up his 707 persona, so when he turned to face Yoosung, he didn’t hold a smile on his face. Before the blonde even has a chance to open his mouth, Seven decided to say what he’d been meaning to ever since their trip to Mint Eye.

“I’m sorry.”

Yoosung opened his mouth, intending to say something, but Seven continued before he got to chance to form any words.

“This…” He grazed his hand against the bandages, allowing his hand to linger for a moment before returning it to his side. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have let you go to Mint Eye with me. I’m so sorry. I never should have let you get so close to me. It only put you in danger, and… and now this has happened. I’m sorry, god, I’m so sorry Yoosung.” His lip quivered, “I could’ve prevented this. I should’ve. I’m… I’m dangerous, can’t you see? You should hate me. You should hate me for what happened to you.”

Seven felt the numbness he had been feeling leave, only to be replaced with a feeling of guilt and sadness. He felt like he was being strangled, finding it harder and harder to breathe after every moment. He refused to make eye contact with Yoosung, fixing his gaze instead on a piece of lint on his shoulder. He was caught off guard when he felt a hand push him backwards, onto a chair behind him. When he looked up, he saw Yoosung’s face set in an expression of determination, his eye making direct eye contact with him. In different circumstances, Seven may have teased him about it, but the thought of teasing had barely crossed his mind during a situation like this.

“That’s not fair. It… It was my choice to go along! You couldn’t have stopped me, you did try to after all. This,” he lifted his hand and touched the bandage over his eye, “wasn’t your fault! I’m the one at fault for my own choices. I-I don’t want you to blame yourself.” He sniffed, and glared at Seven, though it wasn’t an expression that held any hate.

“Don’t you dare blame yourself for this.” He seemed adamant about his words, but his face was flushed because of his uncharacteristic assertion, “Or, uhm, please don’t.”

He squeaked out the last words, and yet Seven could only stare up at the blonde, who was now cautiously approaching him. That’s when he realized that his cheeks were wet, and when he reached his hand to touch his face, he felt tears gradually running down his cheeks. His vision blurred, and Yoosung’s face got closer to his, until he felt a hand on his arm. The touch burned, hot against his skin. Seven avoided eye contact still, eyelids drooping as he let the tears continue to fall. Clumsily, Yoosung tried to hug Seven, though such an angle was not ideal. Even so, the weight and heat of the other’s body felt foreign yet not unwanted. It calmed Seven enough that the tears slowed their fall so his vision became slightly less blurry.

Hesitantly, Seven brought his arms up to reciprocate the gesture, and lightly placed his hands on the blonde’s back. He let out a shuddering breath, allowing himself to savor the moment. The added weight of Yoosung’s body seemed to lift some of the weight of guilt off of him. He tightened his grasp on the other, body shaking, and he chose to believe that is was only due to how cold his home was.

“It’s not your fault, Seven.”

Yoosung slipped himself out of Seven’s grasp, and offered a hand to him, motioning for him to take it. Seven looked at Yoosung’s face, then at his hand, and slowly reached out his own to take it. He felt himself be pulled up out of the chair, though only partially as Yoosung was not exactly the strongest person he knew. A playful smile found it’s way onto Seven’s face, though only slight, and he helped by pulling himself up. The blonde’s face was a bright red, though he chose not to address his lack of strength.

“My eye won’t be bad forever, you know! They can fix it, though I’ll probably have to wear glasses for a while after the bandages come off.” He sheepishly smiled, “Don’t blame yourself! That’s not fair you know, I need to be able to take the blame, so I can really be a man.”

Seven watched as Yoosung straightened up, making direct eye contact with him. He closed what little distance they had between this, slipping his arms underneath Seven’s, wrapping them tightly around his torso. Seven took a steady breath in, wrapping his own arms around the other, and closed his eyes.

With their arms tightly wrapped around each other, Seven felt that he might be able to forgive himself, one day.