Qualities of a narc*issist
1*)
You're told that you're "the one," and you two were "meant to be." Or I love you 10 to 20 times a day.
They will compliment you all the time, give you expensive gifts, or even take you on any sort of a trip.
This is called Love bombing.
If you feel that you're moving is too fast, then you probably are.. If they have declared their undying love for you a few weeks after meeting them, and telling you you're their soul-mate, then the affection probably isn't coming from a good place.
2*)
The narc may have already been looking around for a someone else. It's not unlike the narc to go searching for someone weaker whom they can exploit.
Narcs search carefully for the next person they can charm, seduce and trap, and they're very good at it. It has to be someone who they know they can get a lot from, but also with vulnerabilities. They often target people with low confidence and an underlying self-esteem problem.
However, the mark is also usually a very caring person who is willing to do things for other people, they also show passion for their family, friends and career. Having these qualities means you're more likely to see the good in the narc, before they turn on you.
Sometimes, the narc may even have known about you before they started speaking to you. They may have stalked you on social media or seen you around before they asked you out, because they were sussing out whether you'd be a good target.
This is called the predator.
3*)
If "you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100% that you are dealing with a sociopath.
When they're trying to reel you in, a narcissistic person is likely to mention how badly they've been treated in the past. They may refer to past abuse in their life, or bad previous relationships. This isn't to say what they're saying isn't true, but it's wise to be wary.
The narcissist knows you are empathetic, and they know revealing personal information to you will probably make you feel like you're bonding with them. In reality, they're usually just trying to create the illusion of closeness, and they will ultimately use it against you.
This is considered Pity play.
4*)
Gaslighting is a tactic manipulative people use to gain power over someone else. It basically makes you, the victim, question reality because they're acting like a puppet master. It happens gradually over time, so it can be difficult for the victim to identify before it's too late. It can start with a lie here and there, a snide comment every so often, until it ramps up more and more. It's like the "frog in the saucepan" analogy: heat is turned up very slowly, so the frog never realises it's starting to boil to death.
Narcissists may tell outright lies which you know aren't true, but they're so adamant that you question the truth anyway. They also deny doing or saying things which you know they in fact did say or do. The more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.
Every now and then, the abuser may throw in a compliment or praise to make you feel good, and question whether they really are a bad person or not. This all just adds to the confusion and makes you think you're losing your mind. Plus, it's also common for them to use your family or friends against you by telling them you're going crazy, while simultaneously telling you not to see them anymore, creating more distance between you and those you trust.
5*)
Can't understand why your partner is being complimentary and kind to you one minute, and then accusatory and mean the next? This Jekyll and Hyde behaviour is common among narcissistic abusers, and they use it as a way to keep you in line.
Abusive people can be charming and loving when being watched by an outside audience, such as their family or friends, but they can become a monster when you're both in the privacy of your own home.
Over time, the narc may begin to devalue you more and more often. The Hyde side of them will come out more often via put-downs, insults, gaslighting, lacking emotional or physical intimacy, withdrawing affection, disappearing, or blaming their target for their own behaviour, also known as projection.
As a target, you may blame yourself for their behaviour because they're so well practised at shifting the focus onto you. However, it's important to remember the kind, caring, romantic mask of Dr Jekyll you fell for probably didn't actually exist in the first place.
6*)
Once you may have felt like the most important person in the world to the narc, but when they're finished with you, they cast you aside. They may have taken all your love, money and respect, and have no trouble with discarding you and looking for their next source of supply.
Now that you're totally depleted you are of no use to a narc, and so there's no reason to keep you around.
Depending on whether they're looking to get further supply from your friends and family, they may turn to them for support. You may even find none of them believe your side of the story, because they're just as enchanted by the narc as you were. This is called a "smear campaign."
Sociopaths don't necessarily work alone either. If they're really intent on destroying you, they may rely on a gang of "flying monkeys" to make your life miserable. It's a reference to The Wizard of Oz, where the flying monkeys do all the Wicked Witch of the West's dirty work.
Some of them go along happily with the schemes because they are sociopaths themselves. Others have no idea what they're a part of because they're under the narcs spell.
7*)
Whether you've been discarded or you managed to escape from the narc, they will probably return. So you need to be vigilant - block them from social media, block their number, and block anyone you're both still in contact with. This is what's known as "no contact."
The narcs fear perceives abandonment. This is because image is so important to them. They thrive off attention, good or bad, and when you give them the silent treatment they start realising they are no longer in control.
So often they return and try to reel you back in, sometimes known as "hoovering." They may tell you they realise they made a mistake, they're sorry for how they treated you and they'll never do it again.
Simply don't fall for it, as any happy reunion will eventually be replaced by an even worse ending than before.
It's the same scam, but worse, like a sequel.
