Product of My Anxiety

b l i n d

To my love;

Do you know just how long it took me to realize?
To realize that I am (or maybe was)
madly and deeply in love with you.
I loved you so much that it actually brought me pain.

The first time I got to see you and hear your laugh and see your smile had to be the most beautiful day of my entire life.
I was beyond happy.
I was floating on a cloud, butterflies roaming widely around my stomach with my heart beating out of my rib cage.

And then I got to touch you, they were innocent touches.
They were so, so innocent.
But I got to touch and God your skin was so warm and soft.
I got to hold you and I got to be held by you.
You laid on me and buried your face in my neck out of laziness.
You laid your head in my lap and let me play with your hair.
You held my hand.
You hugged me thousands and thousands of times.
You made me happy.

It's now been 211 days since we last spoke and I feel okay.
I miss you like I've never missed anyone else but I'll be okay.
At first I thought I wouldn't survive seeing you with her.
I thought I wouldn't survive not talking to you, not being friends.
But now, now I think I'll be okay.
Sure, I still think of you and the memories we made on that beautiful day of August 7th.
But I can deal with that.

I don't love you as much as I use to.
In fact, I think that I don't love you anymore.
But you were a good experience, you tought me a lot.
Now, I know not to throw all my time and enegery into someone that clearly isn't doing the same.
Now, I know not to love as blindly as I loved you.