Questions?

Dedicated to my best friend's mom, I love you!

Dear journal,

What does it mean to lose a mom? What is it like? Am i still loved by her is she protecting me? Who's

going to answer my questions?

These questions go through my head all day. I sit in my room with her and her things trying to forever hold her memory. She's here, that I know, but is she here with me? Of course she is because she loves me. She could never leave me no matter if she is dead or alive. I know that my heart is forever broken, but I must live the way she would want.

I'm young... Confused... Crazy! I can't be controlled. Only she has the power to control me... And she's gone! You wanna know what's going through my head? Fuck you god! Those are the exact words! Don't get me wrong I believe in Him, but he took the most important thing to me! I'm lucky to have my best friend. I know she would do anything for me. I don't deserve her! She deserves better.. That's why I rejected her. And now I'm losing her, because I didn't wanna commit! I'm stupid, I'm a jerk, yet she says she loves me? How?

All I know is that I love her back.

So let me start from the beginning. My name is Vincente Fernandez- Vin for short. I'm 15 years old. High school sucks, like the rest of my life. So last year Mami died. I still haven't gotten over it. Oh and did I mention I love my best friend, and she loves me back, but I'm an idiot. Why? Because I let her go, pushed her away. Her name is Yayi and she's tall, curvy, and perfect in my eyes, but she doesn't know that's how I think of her. GOD! She's so fucking perfect and she was so close to being mine! But i am a fucking idiot!!! She has always been there for me. Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago. Yayi was always texting and calling her, it was cute. My mom always told me, "Vin, antes que muero, tienes que casarté con ella!" (Before I die you need to marry her) I would, but I can't even grow a pair to ask her out! She asked me to homecoming and I said... No. Yup it's official- FML!

Ok so lets start from the funeral: it's a nice summer day in June, and I'm burying my mother. It's hard to believe, I know I can't. Everyone from school is coming, even Yayi. I still talk to her and I don't think either one of us realize what's gonna happen. So as all my friends walk up to me with their sympathies I barely notice. I'm so distracted and I think everyone notices so that's why they aren't coming up anymore. Then there's Yayi, I watch her come in with her dress. Man she's beautiful. She ignores everyone's warnings of not coming to me. She walks to me and let me tell you, I'm freaking out. Oh god she's standing in front of me, say something dumbass! Ugh!

"Hey Vini," using her nickname for me.

"Uhh," ok so that was my genius response.

"Am I gonna get my hug?" I love how she demands that. She doesn't care that everyone is watching. I move towards her barely, but she's there to close the gap. She fits so perfectly to my body. I can't risk her though, I know she could never care for me.

Mass went by quickly, I kept glancing at Yayi and she was a mess! I so badly wanted to comfort her, but I couldn't just do that. My feelings would be clearly shown, and I'm too chicken to do that! After mass everyone started to leave. I thought Yayi would stay but she didn't, she had to go and how do I say goodbye? Oh ya I just stand there like before! Wow she means so much to me and now I probably won't see her again for months, I leave for Mexico tomorrow and I don't know how I'll make it without her!

I'm coming home tomorrow. Yayi doesn't know. It's midnight now so I guess I could text her.

'Hey.. I'm coming home tomorrow'

'Ya? Wow that's great Vini! I can't wait to see you! I've missed you'

Holy crap. How do I respond to that! I just want to tell her the same thing but I'm stupid so...

'Ya I'm happy to come home'

My great response. I woke her up at probably about 1 in the morning over there for nothing. I need to see her soon.. Those eyes and her smile. It'll comfort me instantly! I've needed it.

It's Tuesday and I've been home for a week. I have yet to text Yayi. She knows I'm home- we have mutual friends I guess. I'll text her.. See where this goes.

'Hey Yayi'

'Hey Vini. Como estas?'

' I'm ok- I.. Um miss you.'

' I miss you too nene!'

'Wanna hang soon?'

'Sure just tell me where and when'

'Ok'

'I gotta go.. I'll talk to you soon!'

'Oh ok! Bye..'

Well I guess that was ok. Or maybe it sucked. God dammit Vin. Pull yourself together and grow a pair.

Two months later

My first day of high school. Wow. I never thought I'd go to school without Yayi. I hope she's ok.. I'm nervous. I know Mami's with me. Public school is so different from catholic. No uniforms and then girls go wild with their outfits. Holy shit is that a dress or a shirt pulled down? Yayi would never dress like that. Damn all my thoughts go back to her.. I have to tell her soon. Before she starts seeing another guy.

*Yayi*

Wow. High school without Vini to save me... Oh well. I'm sure he's doing fine. He's a fun, good looking kid. I guess. I mean I think my thoughts our biased considering I've liked him for years. But he'll never like me the way I like him.

One month later

Homecoming. Do I ask Yayi or no? I'm not going to. It'll be awkward and we will never be friends again and then it'll all go down hill. Crap I'm overthinking.

*Yayi*

I'm asking him to homecoming!! Vini will come with me! I'm gonna tell him I love him too! This is gonna be amazing!

'Hey! Come see me after school tomorrow??'

'Sure lol'

'K cool! Meet at my house:)'

'Ok :)'

I made a poster- it says 'hey cutie how about you consider homecoming with me? ps I like you<3'

I'm so nervous! I hope he likes it!

'Vini'

I'm on my way to her house and she's being really weird. I'm getting anxious. I'm gonna ask her to homecoming today and maybe even tell her I like her!

I just rang the door bell and I'm sweating, literally sweating. The door just opened.. Ohmigod. I think my jaw broke from hitting the floor. She looks stunning in her dark blue skinny jeans and tank top. If I wasn't so nervous I probably would've been hard on the spot. Wait is she holding a sign... No.. Ohmigod no.

'Yayi'

OMG he's here!! I open the door and he looks really nervous- que cute- breath Yayi! God he looks hot.. I love how he's 6'. He read my sign.. Uh oh. He looks really scared and creeped out..? I knew this wasn't a good idea!

'Vin'

I screwed up. I literally said no and still hung out at her house. She looked like I broke her heart. She was upstairs for like 10 minutes and I have a feeling from the red puffy eyes she was crying.. I'm an asshole.